you noticed in nearly ALL Hollywood movies that the alien
invasion is always in America? There’s something
almost mythical about Aliens invading the good old US
It’s hard enough contemplating the fact that they
are nowadays more paranoid than ever before and moreover
they are getting more and more insecure by the month.
But the aliens are the opposite? They invade the USA so
often that I imagine some leader of higher beings actually
doing it just to tease them……..annoy them,
wind them up….
The list is endless……..
H.G. Wells – War of the Worlds –
Hollywood had that start in New York and end in Boston!!!
Independence day – USA, it went
Global when the Americans struggled, but it was yet another
all American hero that finished off those naughty aliens
The Andromeda Strain – Isolated
in the USA
The day the world stood still –
Amazingly started and ended in Central Park New York
All 3 versions of Transformers? All started
in the USA and all American heroes finished it there too………
I could go on and on and on………….but
that would be boring – a laugh, but boring
But have you stopped and thought WHY Aliens
have never invaded our little planet?
I have a theory on it and this session
of the Bankers notes is dedicated to that theory……….
Ready? Then I shall begin!!
Aliens have actually been here!!! There
I’ve said it…………they came,
they saw and then thought “you’ve got to be
“We’re not the first to invade
this little planet and they are already slowly being taken
over by another life form”
“We will move on past and go somewhere
else to invade” “It’s too late for the
humans and we’re too late in our invasion program”
So what happened there then? I hear you
“When did they arrive, where did
they come from and why did they just go away again so
Well its simple really as I carefully
deduced whilst on one of my ‘thinking’ walks………..
At home I like to go for a walkabout,
whether it’s in the morning the afternoon or an
evening, I like just a few minutes or several of them
just to think. I enjoy that moment to realign my brain
cells (2 of) and to ease in or out of the day.
It could be anything that I think about
I don’t specialize or be specific. I just enjoy
It was on one of these walks that I was
theorizing about the Alien invasion and was probably sponsored
by these thoughts by something I’d seen or read…….
If an Alien came say to our back garden
(or ‘it’ could land in the field if the garden
was too small for its Intergalactic craft) or indeed it
could just land on the house. But if it did that it would
ruin my theory!!!
Anyway, let’s assume it landed in
the field and chose to Stealth the craft to blend in and
the Alien was cloaked as well so it was invisible to us.
It has come to watch and observe how we live and why we
live the way we do, then to report back to their leaders
that Earth had already been invaded and it was pointless
them repeating the same.
Humans were the weaker of the species
and that the already in charge invaders were well advanced
in their Earth takeover.
Oh bloody hell…………..I
forgot the horse was in that field!!!! Oh damn it –
this is going to take some explaining to the Dearest One
as to why her horse has gone flat and is now spread across
So what was here first and is slowly but
surely taking over the human race as we know it??
And where did it come from?
In reverse order…..THE ITALIAN SPINONE
This is our invader. And it is, and will
take over your life and eventually us as a race
Think I’m joking? Then read on
You see those ‘Proper’ Aliens
came here and saw that ‘those dogs’ were dominating
us. They did not recognize them as dogs of course but
to an alien they were the invaders.
Quadrupeds, hairy, unique language that
the humans can’t understand, unique sensory devices,
devious weaponry (slobber, hair, bad manners) fast on
their feet, all weather all terrain capability, ignorant,
obedient (food) and utterly frustrating.
But the humans fell into the trap that
had been set - these aliens had over time developed the
ultimate weapon to use against the human idiots?
The Italian Spinone to a human, is?? Adorable!!!!
This is the REAL Alien invasion. This
is the real threat to us as a species AND, it’s
I will start at home with what for me
started out as ONE new dog. A Spinone………….then
someone who had already lost their house and contents
to these invaders said “it won’t stop at one
It was the mad scientist laugh that cut
through me, the look of resignation on the face of this
person will live with me forever. They had given up, surrendered
everything they had to the invaders. I remember leaving
that place thinking that we were not alone, and if we
were, then it would not last long.
And it didn’t!!
Today the only sanctuary I have is my
Just like the people above, within a short
space of time we had lost the house, the contents and
any available space was duly taken over by Spinone after
Spinone until their numbers grew and we became the subservient
species to them.
We know of others in the same position
as us, some better off than us, others worse off. But
effectively we are all in the same state. And it wasn’t
a United State we were in!!!
This is my sort of Top 20 list in justifying
human subservience to the Alien force amongst us (once
we got past having one, they became a force to be reckoned
The Dearest One doesn’t help matters
either. She is NOT on my side and I am a force of one.
Me against the aliens and their unscrupulous brain washed
(or damaged) leader – The Dearest One
1. “You can’t sit there, that’s the
Explanation: The front room. This is where
I used to sit comfortably on the couch and watch the idiot
box (TV) or listen to music or if I wasn’t allowed
then listen to the Dearest One. At this point I reached
for my headphones and lip read.
Today, I share? The couch with a Spinone,
most of the time I am uncomfortable whilst 40 kgs of Alien
invader has gone into a coma next to me – that is
of course until food comes in or tea and biscuits. Its
remarkable recovery from its comatose condition turns
it into a suddenly starved and 40kg dog!!! The tea is
mine, as for the biscuits??
2. “Leave room for the dogs, we
can put all that stuff in the front of the Landy with
Explanation: The Land Rover. The Dogs
know the Landy is for fun (we never use the word ‘Vet’
as this creates panic and then one of two things happen:
(1) I have to clean up a lot of poo, or (2) They disappear
into the distance.
We have to load the Landy with human stuff
if it’s a long walk we’re going on, you know
the type of thing, boots, coats, snacks (human and Alien
snacks) water, leads, 18 gallon tea urn, sandwiches, backpacks
and so on. Now the Landy easily takes half a dozen (ish)
full grown Spins, but for some unknown reason and a reason
I have still yet to work out, all the above has to go
in the front of the Landy with us. When we arrive at wherever
it is we’re going, the dogs get out relaxed and
ready to go, if they haven’t already gone that is.
As for me? From releasing myself from my amazing contortionist
position I unfold and 5 minutes later have exited the
Landy and I spend the next 5 minutes putting back two
legs on the bottom of my body, an arm for each side of
my shoulders and slowly release my head from up my………anyway.
Once cleared for walkabout we’re off………
Until this exercise repeats itself for
the return leg!! .
3. “Don’t be mean giver her/him
a bit of your food”
Explanation: we feed the dogs first as
this allegedly gives us more time, space and freedom to
eat in a relaxed atmosphere. Bullshit!!!!!
They get fed. Go out and strut their stuff
and are supposed to come back in and rest and sleep. Of
course they do all that except the last bit? They come
in and of course by now are hungry again!!! We all know
the dog is a big dog……..but how come this
species has a stomach for food that is so expansive.
So I have to beat off the Alien food invasion
each time I sit down at the table to eat. And of course
being big dogs they can rest that pathetic face on the
table and look at you – pathetically. Then the above
happens “Don’t be mean giver her/him a bit
of your food”
Or it’s, “oh bless how can you resist that
“Huh, that’s easy” “I
just look back at it equally as pathetically and carry
4. “Oh bless, how can you resist that face”
Explanation: As in 3 above but have you
been and bought an ice cream when you’re out?
I have. The Dearest One – yes. Me? Yes………….then
after 5 minutes I’m sent back to buy the bloody
dog one as well. “Well he or she has been ever so
good”!!! (Oh good grief)
And you know something? That one ice cream
is never enough for it. On the way back to the Landy it’s
in the kids push chairs, up at the adults, and to add
insult to injury that damned dog always get a bite!!!
I tried it once and got a black eye!!!
5. “Don’t move the dog it’s
settled on their”
Explanation: “There’s a good
movie on telly tonight and I thought we could watch it
together” “Oh yes dear that would be so nice
and romantic” “What’s the film called”?
“Meet the Fockers” – “Meet them??
MEET THEM, I bloody live with them”
“OH sorry dear you mean the Ben
Stiller, De Niro movie”
And so I settle down into another position
that after 10 minutes has my leg in severe cramp, my shoulders
ache and my vision blurred. And why?? Because the Dog
has settled down in my cinema seat.
6. “OK let her/him off the lead,
it will ignore those people”
Explanation: Walkabout. It didn’t,
they had a food source and where were the Spins?
No prizes of course, but those people? “Oh how lovely,
what are they”??
I say, exasperated
Oh God – now I’m tasked with
rounding them up, pulling them away from the source of
food and fuss and of course getting us back on track.
I smile gracefully whilst commanding the Spins –
who are all of course deaf at this point.
After a while, and apologizing for all
the slobber on their nice clothes and for getting the
kids muddy, we move on – quickly.
7. “Let these people stroke her/him, it’s
good for the dog to mix with strangers”
Explanation: Training. As part of their
training course, we take the dogs out to integrate into
society (Alien moment – integration) we take them
out on a lead around the villages and towns locally to
us to get used to the sights and sounds of the area. Within
these moments we “allow” other carbon life
forms to stroke the ‘nice doggy’.
BUT………..some of these CLFs have an ice
cream, a burger, a tray of fries etc. allowing the quadruped
to be stroked by these CLFs is a lethal combination as
the dog is expecting to ‘share’ their food!!!!!
It’s not always like that of course,
some of these CLFs have mini CLFs with them who a) shy
away terrified that the dog is twice as big as they are
b) grab the dog and only proceed to get covered in slobber.
And the Dearest One thinks it’s
great for the dog to mix with strangers!!!
It is, of course it is. But under a controlled environment…….the
dog and the Dearest One have the control and I am turned
into a passive onlooker
8. “Don’t be an idiot I’m
supposed to be showing her on Sunday”
Explanation: I WAS having fun with an
Alien being. As you know the Dearest One shows our Spins
off at the dog shows!! (Well you would show a dog at a
dog show wouldn’t you)? Anyway, I occasionally get
carried away with them and on this particular occasion
it was with one of our show dogs – a couple of days
before a big show!! Big mistake!!
I admit the dog was a mess……..the
ball landed in the pond, it had been raining and the bank
of the pond was a ‘little’ muddy (ish, sort
of – well OK it was a disaster)
Oh I got the ball back OK, that was easy.
The next two hours showering the dog with
its “Dog Shampoo” was another matter.
I wouldn’t have minded but afterwards and in fact
for hours afterwards, I smelt like a clinic for shampoo
testing for dogs – now that’s what I call
9. “You couldn’t have eaten
that bacon sandwich that quick and there’s no more
Explanation: “What Bacon sandwich”??
“The one I left you on the plate, on the counter”
“Oh no, you let the dog take it”???!!! “What
do you mean I let the dog take it”? “Well
you’ll have to wait for dinner tonight as that was
the last of the bacon”
As they ALL looked so smug and pleased
with themselves sat around on the floor I decided to blame
the Viz………..poor Viz.
10. “Well it’s your fault for leaving it there”
“You can’t blame the dog”
Explanation: “Had I have known it
was there or rather was going to be there earlier then
I would have arrived sooner to enjoy it”
Conversation piece to 9 above –
and the moral?? Buy more bacon and arrive earlier,
I still reckon it was the Viz………….
11. “Well, throw the ball for him,
you know how much he loves to play”
Explanation: following extensive therapy
to my right arm which is twice as big as my left arm from
spending endless hours throwing the tennis ball or two
or three for a number of dogs, I had decided to allow
time for my arm to heal. Night cramps, pins and needles
in my fingers and dried slobber on my clothes were all
part the fun!!
Today the Dearest One wanted a photo session
with the dogs playing, oh goody I naively thought, I can
rest. But that avenue of joy was swiftly cut off………….so
whilst further enduring more ligament stretching, tendon
tearing and muscle aching I duly proceeded to throw the
ball, and then throw it again. And after the 97th throw
and now close to exhaustion I turned round and realized
I was on my own?
The Dearest One having gone back to the
house for a cup of tea………….
“Oh I got a couple of photo’s
and you were having fun with the dogs so I thought it
best to leave you with them”!!!!!!!
“Oh really, how simply sweet of
something like that!!!
12. “And just how the hell did you
get them all in that state”? “You’ll
have to hose them down before they come in here”
Explanation: A walk in the woods. I like
my nature and being lucky enough to live in the middle
of it I sometimes take the dogs into the woods with me.
Whereupon of course all of nature disappears, but I don’t
care because it’s still a bit of fun. I undertook
this task one winters day and it turned out to be not
one of my best moves. It had been raining, it was still
raining and it would carry on raining.
We were out for a couple of hours or so……..
But it was when I got back to the house
that the trouble started? I had not taken any notice of
the state the dogs were in. the Dearest One did……………
13. “What do you mean he just found
it”? “Take it off him and take it outside
and bury it”
Explanation: Reference above and another
thing I missed when I got back to the house. One of ‘them’
had discovered that an element of nature had chosen some
poor old ‘thing’ that it was to pass away
at some point…….violently!! And one of ‘them’
had found this piece of ex animal (origin unknown) and
proudly walked all the way back to the house with it.
I did go on to bury it………..
The Viz dug it back up about a week later.
14. “I know they’re all very wet, but just
lift them ALL into the Land Rover”
Explanation: A walk in the park. It rained
and never stopped. Noah would have been well pleased………..When
we got back to the Landy most the dogs couldn’t
be bothered to get into the Landy because they weren’t
finished with the walk. We were!! To my astonishment,
and so we wasted no further time out in the rain the Dearest
One decided that I should load the dogs into the Landy
in order we got out of the rain. Which has always been
a ridiculous statement to me because having spent the
last 4 or 5 hours plodding around where the ark should
have been sailing past then what is a couple of extra
minutes going to make a difference to?
The loading of the spins into the Landy
was not an issue. I had the munchy snacks!!!!!
It was the drive home and I smelt like
a well used Spinone…….that was an issue
15. “That’s the dogs toy,
if you want one of those go and buy one for yourself”
Explanation: I was merely amusing myself
that people actually go out and buy this stuff for their
dogs. They must do because the Dearest One has bought
hundreds of the things. Some of them amuse me…….others
I find utterly ridiculous.
As it was I put the toy back in the basket
and wondered off to contemplate the theory thermo dynamics!!!
16. “Don’t keep giving them
treats they’ll get fat”
Explanation: Yet again this was ALL my
fault!! I had filled two of my pockets with doggy treats
you see and thought I would go out and train the dogs
to help children cross the road, help the aged walk, carry
the shopping home, fetch the paper, bring me my slippers……..or
To sit and stay, fetch and hold, drop
Anyway, through this exercise, the Dearest
One strolled up with HER mug of tea and was spectating
the sheer brilliance of my initiative. The problem was
it looked like a feeding frenzy at times which it most
certainly was not. It just looked that way…………and
anyway, those dogs wouldn’t get fat even if I was
snacking them with small local furry things. They were
having too much fun and burning too much energy to get
fat. My argument fell on deaf ears of course and I was
duly scolded and had to retire to the pavilion.
Prologue: The Dearest One went back to
the house and I spent the next two minutes empting the
remaining contents of my pockets into hungry dogs mouths!!!!
17. “Go and see what they’re
barking at” “and you’ll need your coat,
boots and hat”
Explanation: Dogs hearing and perception.
We were relaxing for the evening (The Dearest One has
moments or memory loss and relapses, and at these times
I am allowed to relax) when the dogs started to bark –
You could spend 5000 pounds on a house
security alarm system, when one dog is 10 times more effective.
The dogs sense vibrations as well as an
acute sense of hearing as we all know (move a dog bowl
as stealthily as you can – go on try it, and see
if you succeed without attracting their attention)
Anyway, it was a miserable night (outside)
when the dogs really set the alarms off, we know for instance
that if a local farmer is out and about and he’s
driven past the house in his Landy then this will kick
them off, a tractor the same, Ramblers also tend to aggravate
them (but they do me as well) horses are a challenge and
despite me telling ALL the dogs that horses are measured
in hands and not inches they just ignore me.
But tonight was different, they would
not calm down.
So duly armed with my instructions I got
all dressed up to go outside!!!
I let ALL the dogs out to scare the poo out of anyone
in the vicinity. I followed (no poo) and armed with my
trusty lantern walked out into the unknown (Gosh this
Any rabbit, fox or other nocturnal creature
would be well out of site by now.
It then hit me that the dogs were still barking, BUT not
at any one point or location??
They were all over the place and barking. And I could
not be in more than one place at a time.
What was it???
I don’t know. Never knew and after
I started calling them in they came back all ok and simply
settled down again. That was it??
My own personal view was that it was a
canine conspiracy to take the urine out of the humans!!
So if they were all lay there having a laugh – it
was on us (or me)
18. “Don’t let him/her take
that child’s ice cream” “buy one for
him/her, then it won’t take it off the children”
Explanation: This was the 1 pound 50 pence
ice cream I bought for the Grand children.
We took the kids down town for an ice cream…..as
you do. We also took a couple of well trained, obedient,
mature and most refined Spins with us.
I bought the kids ice creams and all the above then fell
apart!!! There is not a lot more to add to this really,
those ice creams cost me a small fortune and then I had
the indignity to be seen by the public at large to be
feeding a bloody Mr Softy to a dog!!!
The kids thought it hilarious……..I’ve
not invited them back since
19. “And stop moaning, they do not
follow you around deliberately pooing after you’ve
just picked up the last lot”
Explanation: What goes in, must come out!!
When at home I do a fair bit of walking
around with a pooper scooper and we have a large area
to walk around!! I don’t confess to getting it all
up of course “And you missed this one and there’s
one over there, and see if you can get that out from under
that bush!! Ooh and by the back door and under the Landy!!
But I simply don’t get how I can
walk a route (and I actually tried this – once)
and then when I come back around for lap two there is
poo where I have just picked it up from. I have looked
at the dogs who of course look completely angelic and
innocent. I think I did see once Duncan looking smug and
pleased with himself. But then again it could have been
Mia…..she can be sly at times.
I complained to the Dearest One.
Stupid mistake – sympathy for the
devil. No chance
20. “I suppose I should have warned
those visitors about the dogs” “they were
nice people, do you think they will come back”?
Explanation: A visitor comes to the house.
We had a visitor one day who as I remember was a colleague
of the Dearest One, a nice woman (well she was when she
I was introduced, then told to make tea and bring in cake
I went white with fear. Oh no.
There were 2 or 3 Spins in the front room
and the visitor went straight across the room and quite
logically sat down on the couch. Aaaargghhh…..NNNNOOOOOO…..that’s
the dogs couch!!
Oh my God this is going to create hell.
And I was not wrong……..
A Spin climbed on to the couch, visitor
touched it. Spin crept closer. Visitor took a piece of
cake!!!!! Spin placed head on visitors lap. Visitor ate
cake. Spin left slobber on visitors clothes. Visitor smiled,
we apologized and got the Spin to move – 14 mm.
it moved back. Visitor crept along to the end of the couch,
Spin followed all stealth like. Visitor gulping down tea.
Spin appeased (very slightly) when visitor gave it a biscuit.
Visitor had suddenly remembered it had to be in New York
in an hour.
Polite Thank you’s and goodbyes.
Never to be seen again
You know, the other day I heard her say
“Oh no I couldn’t possibly do this that and
the other because the dogs wouldn’t like it”
Are you now beginning to see my point
– they are taking over.
I am convinced they have a mind altering
device – works well enough on Human Females but
not so good on Human Males. However, the Human Female
then works on the Human Male in favour of those Alien
creatures. In other words boys, you just can’t win……….!!!!!!!
A thought for you?
Do you recognize yourself in any one of
My guess is that you do – and it’s
certainly more than one!!
They are among us
They are taking over
One day they will put out your food in
a bowl and put you out to do your business afterwards,
You will be exercised, stroked by other carbon life forms
and you’ll have to scrounge your ice creams and
And one more thought for you?? They will
put you to mate with who they think will suit you best!!!!!
No choice of who and when!!!
Terrifying isn’t it?
God help us if they get a driving license………
You have been warned. Be careful out there