Have you noticed in nearly ALL Hollywood movies that the alien invasion is always in America? There’s something almost mythical about Aliens invading the good old US of A.
It’s hard enough contemplating the fact that they are nowadays more paranoid than ever before and moreover they are getting more and more insecure by the month.
But the aliens are the opposite? They invade the USA so often that I imagine some leader of higher beings actually doing it just to tease them……..annoy them, wind them up….

The list is endless……..

H.G. Wells – War of the Worlds – Hollywood had that start in New York and end in Boston!!!

Independence day – USA, it went Global when the Americans struggled, but it was yet another all American hero that finished off those naughty aliens

The Andromeda Strain – Isolated in the USA

The day the world stood still – Amazingly started and ended in Central Park New York

All 3 versions of Transformers? All started in the USA and all American heroes finished it there too………

I could go on and on and on………….but that would be boring – a laugh, but boring

But have you stopped and thought WHY Aliens have never invaded our little planet?

I have a theory on it and this session of the Bankers notes is dedicated to that theory……….

Ready? Then I shall begin!!

Aliens have actually been here!!! There I’ve said it…………they came, they saw and then thought “you’ve got to be joking”

“We’re not the first to invade this little planet and they are already slowly being taken over by another life form”

“We will move on past and go somewhere else to invade” “It’s too late for the humans and we’re too late in our invasion program”

So what happened there then? I hear you ask

“When did they arrive, where did they come from and why did they just go away again so quickly”?

Well its simple really as I carefully deduced whilst on one of my ‘thinking’ walks………..

At home I like to go for a walkabout, whether it’s in the morning the afternoon or an evening, I like just a few minutes or several of them just to think. I enjoy that moment to realign my brain cells (2 of) and to ease in or out of the day.

It could be anything that I think about I don’t specialize or be specific. I just enjoy the moment.

It was on one of these walks that I was theorizing about the Alien invasion and was probably sponsored by these thoughts by something I’d seen or read…….

If an Alien came say to our back garden (or ‘it’ could land in the field if the garden was too small for its Intergalactic craft) or indeed it could just land on the house. But if it did that it would ruin my theory!!!

Anyway, let’s assume it landed in the field and chose to Stealth the craft to blend in and the Alien was cloaked as well so it was invisible to us. It has come to watch and observe how we live and why we live the way we do, then to report back to their leaders that Earth had already been invaded and it was pointless them repeating the same.

Humans were the weaker of the species and that the already in charge invaders were well advanced in their Earth takeover.

Oh bloody hell…………..I forgot the horse was in that field!!!! Oh damn it – this is going to take some explaining to the Dearest One as to why her horse has gone flat and is now spread across the field

So what was here first and is slowly but surely taking over the human race as we know it??

And where did it come from?

In reverse order…..THE ITALIAN SPINONE

This is our invader. And it is, and will take over your life and eventually us as a race

Think I’m joking? Then read on

You see those ‘Proper’ Aliens came here and saw that ‘those dogs’ were dominating us. They did not recognize them as dogs of course but to an alien they were the invaders.

Quadrupeds, hairy, unique language that the humans can’t understand, unique sensory devices, devious weaponry (slobber, hair, bad manners) fast on their feet, all weather all terrain capability, ignorant, obedient (food) and utterly frustrating.

But the humans fell into the trap that had been set - these aliens had over time developed the ultimate weapon to use against the human idiots?

The Italian Spinone to a human, is?? Adorable!!!!

This is the REAL Alien invasion. This is the real threat to us as a species AND, it’s Global!!

I will start at home with what for me started out as ONE new dog. A Spinone………….then someone who had already lost their house and contents to these invaders said “it won’t stop at one you know”

It was the mad scientist laugh that cut through me, the look of resignation on the face of this person will live with me forever. They had given up, surrendered everything they had to the invaders. I remember leaving that place thinking that we were not alone, and if we were, then it would not last long.

And it didn’t!!

Today the only sanctuary I have is my workshop!!

Just like the people above, within a short space of time we had lost the house, the contents and any available space was duly taken over by Spinone after Spinone until their numbers grew and we became the subservient species to them.

We know of others in the same position as us, some better off than us, others worse off. But effectively we are all in the same state. And it wasn’t a United State we were in!!!

This is my sort of Top 20 list in justifying human subservience to the Alien force amongst us (once we got past having one, they became a force to be reckoned with)

The Dearest One doesn’t help matters either. She is NOT on my side and I am a force of one. Me against the aliens and their unscrupulous brain washed (or damaged) leader – The Dearest One


1. “You can’t sit there, that’s the dog’s couch”!!

Explanation: The front room. This is where I used to sit comfortably on the couch and watch the idiot box (TV) or listen to music or if I wasn’t allowed then listen to the Dearest One. At this point I reached for my headphones and lip read.

Today, I share? The couch with a Spinone, most of the time I am uncomfortable whilst 40 kgs of Alien invader has gone into a coma next to me – that is of course until food comes in or tea and biscuits. Its remarkable recovery from its comatose condition turns it into a suddenly starved and 40kg dog!!! The tea is mine, as for the biscuits??

2. “Leave room for the dogs, we can put all that stuff in the front of the Landy with us”

Explanation: The Land Rover. The Dogs know the Landy is for fun (we never use the word ‘Vet’ as this creates panic and then one of two things happen: (1) I have to clean up a lot of poo, or (2) They disappear into the distance.

We have to load the Landy with human stuff if it’s a long walk we’re going on, you know the type of thing, boots, coats, snacks (human and Alien snacks) water, leads, 18 gallon tea urn, sandwiches, backpacks and so on. Now the Landy easily takes half a dozen (ish) full grown Spins, but for some unknown reason and a reason I have still yet to work out, all the above has to go in the front of the Landy with us. When we arrive at wherever it is we’re going, the dogs get out relaxed and ready to go, if they haven’t already gone that is.
As for me? From releasing myself from my amazing contortionist position I unfold and 5 minutes later have exited the Landy and I spend the next 5 minutes putting back two legs on the bottom of my body, an arm for each side of my shoulders and slowly release my head from up my………anyway. Once cleared for walkabout we’re off………

Until this exercise repeats itself for the return leg!! .

3. “Don’t be mean giver her/him a bit of your food”

Explanation: we feed the dogs first as this allegedly gives us more time, space and freedom to eat in a relaxed atmosphere. Bullshit!!!!!

They get fed. Go out and strut their stuff and are supposed to come back in and rest and sleep. Of course they do all that except the last bit? They come in and of course by now are hungry again!!! We all know the dog is a big dog……..but how come this species has a stomach for food that is so expansive.

So I have to beat off the Alien food invasion each time I sit down at the table to eat. And of course being big dogs they can rest that pathetic face on the table and look at you – pathetically. Then the above happens “Don’t be mean giver her/him a bit of your food”
Or it’s, “oh bless how can you resist that face”?

“Huh, that’s easy” “I just look back at it equally as pathetically and carry on eating”


4. “Oh bless, how can you resist that face”

Explanation: As in 3 above but have you been and bought an ice cream when you’re out?
I have. The Dearest One – yes. Me? Yes………….then after 5 minutes I’m sent back to buy the bloody dog one as well. “Well he or she has been ever so good”!!! (Oh good grief)

And you know something? That one ice cream is never enough for it. On the way back to the Landy it’s in the kids push chairs, up at the adults, and to add insult to injury that damned dog always get a bite!!!

I tried it once and got a black eye!!!

5. “Don’t move the dog it’s settled on their”

Explanation: “There’s a good movie on telly tonight and I thought we could watch it together” “Oh yes dear that would be so nice and romantic” “What’s the film called”?
“Meet the Fockers” – “Meet them?? MEET THEM, I bloody live with them”

“OH sorry dear you mean the Ben Stiller, De Niro movie”

And so I settle down into another position that after 10 minutes has my leg in severe cramp, my shoulders ache and my vision blurred. And why?? Because the Dog has settled down in my cinema seat.

6. “OK let her/him off the lead, it will ignore those people”

Explanation: Walkabout. It didn’t, they had a food source and where were the Spins?
No prizes of course, but those people? “Oh how lovely, what are they”??

“!@$#%^&*()(*&^%$ dogs” I say, exasperated

Oh God – now I’m tasked with rounding them up, pulling them away from the source of food and fuss and of course getting us back on track. I smile gracefully whilst commanding the Spins – who are all of course deaf at this point.

After a while, and apologizing for all the slobber on their nice clothes and for getting the kids muddy, we move on – quickly.


7. “Let these people stroke her/him, it’s good for the dog to mix with strangers”

Explanation: Training. As part of their training course, we take the dogs out to integrate into society (Alien moment – integration) we take them out on a lead around the villages and towns locally to us to get used to the sights and sounds of the area. Within these moments we “allow” other carbon life forms to stroke the ‘nice doggy’.
BUT………..some of these CLFs have an ice cream, a burger, a tray of fries etc. allowing the quadruped to be stroked by these CLFs is a lethal combination as the dog is expecting to ‘share’ their food!!!!!

It’s not always like that of course, some of these CLFs have mini CLFs with them who a) shy away terrified that the dog is twice as big as they are b) grab the dog and only proceed to get covered in slobber.

And the Dearest One thinks it’s great for the dog to mix with strangers!!!
It is, of course it is. But under a controlled environment…….the dog and the Dearest One have the control and I am turned into a passive onlooker

8. “Don’t be an idiot I’m supposed to be showing her on Sunday”

Explanation: I WAS having fun with an Alien being. As you know the Dearest One shows our Spins off at the dog shows!! (Well you would show a dog at a dog show wouldn’t you)? Anyway, I occasionally get carried away with them and on this particular occasion it was with one of our show dogs – a couple of days before a big show!! Big mistake!!

I admit the dog was a mess……..the ball landed in the pond, it had been raining and the bank of the pond was a ‘little’ muddy (ish, sort of – well OK it was a disaster)

Oh I got the ball back OK, that was easy.

The next two hours showering the dog with its “Dog Shampoo” was another matter.
I wouldn’t have minded but afterwards and in fact for hours afterwards, I smelt like a clinic for shampoo testing for dogs – now that’s what I call an idiot

9. “You couldn’t have eaten that bacon sandwich that quick and there’s no more left”

Explanation: “What Bacon sandwich”?? “The one I left you on the plate, on the counter” “Oh no, you let the dog take it”???!!! “What do you mean I let the dog take it”? “Well you’ll have to wait for dinner tonight as that was the last of the bacon”

As they ALL looked so smug and pleased with themselves sat around on the floor I decided to blame the Viz………..poor Viz.


10. “Well it’s your fault for leaving it there” “You can’t blame the dog”

Explanation: “Had I have known it was there or rather was going to be there earlier then I would have arrived sooner to enjoy it”

Conversation piece to 9 above – and the moral?? Buy more bacon and arrive earlier,

I still reckon it was the Viz………….

11. “Well, throw the ball for him, you know how much he loves to play”

Explanation: following extensive therapy to my right arm which is twice as big as my left arm from spending endless hours throwing the tennis ball or two or three for a number of dogs, I had decided to allow time for my arm to heal. Night cramps, pins and needles in my fingers and dried slobber on my clothes were all part the fun!!

Today the Dearest One wanted a photo session with the dogs playing, oh goody I naively thought, I can rest. But that avenue of joy was swiftly cut off………….so whilst further enduring more ligament stretching, tendon tearing and muscle aching I duly proceeded to throw the ball, and then throw it again. And after the 97th throw and now close to exhaustion I turned round and realized I was on my own?

The Dearest One having gone back to the house for a cup of tea………….

“Oh I got a couple of photo’s and you were having fun with the dogs so I thought it best to leave you with them”!!!!!!!

“Oh really, how simply sweet of you”…………………or something like that!!!

12. “And just how the hell did you get them all in that state”? “You’ll have to hose them down before they come in here”

Explanation: A walk in the woods. I like my nature and being lucky enough to live in the middle of it I sometimes take the dogs into the woods with me. Whereupon of course all of nature disappears, but I don’t care because it’s still a bit of fun. I undertook this task one winters day and it turned out to be not one of my best moves. It had been raining, it was still raining and it would carry on raining.

We were out for a couple of hours or so……..

But it was when I got back to the house that the trouble started? I had not taken any notice of the state the dogs were in. the Dearest One did……………

13. “What do you mean he just found it”? “Take it off him and take it outside and bury it”

Explanation: Reference above and another thing I missed when I got back to the house. One of ‘them’ had discovered that an element of nature had chosen some poor old ‘thing’ that it was to pass away at some point…….violently!! And one of ‘them’ had found this piece of ex animal (origin unknown) and proudly walked all the way back to the house with it. I did go on to bury it………..

The Viz dug it back up about a week later.


14. “I know they’re all very wet, but just lift them ALL into the Land Rover”

Explanation: A walk in the park. It rained and never stopped. Noah would have been well pleased………..When we got back to the Landy most the dogs couldn’t be bothered to get into the Landy because they weren’t finished with the walk. We were!! To my astonishment, and so we wasted no further time out in the rain the Dearest One decided that I should load the dogs into the Landy in order we got out of the rain. Which has always been a ridiculous statement to me because having spent the last 4 or 5 hours plodding around where the ark should have been sailing past then what is a couple of extra minutes going to make a difference to?

The loading of the spins into the Landy was not an issue. I had the munchy snacks!!!!!

It was the drive home and I smelt like a well used Spinone…….that was an issue

15. “That’s the dogs toy, if you want one of those go and buy one for yourself”

Explanation: I was merely amusing myself that people actually go out and buy this stuff for their dogs. They must do because the Dearest One has bought hundreds of the things. Some of them amuse me…….others I find utterly ridiculous.

As it was I put the toy back in the basket and wondered off to contemplate the theory thermo dynamics!!!

16. “Don’t keep giving them treats they’ll get fat”

Explanation: Yet again this was ALL my fault!! I had filled two of my pockets with doggy treats you see and thought I would go out and train the dogs to help children cross the road, help the aged walk, carry the shopping home, fetch the paper, bring me my slippers……..or alternatively

To sit and stay, fetch and hold, drop and leave.

Anyway, through this exercise, the Dearest One strolled up with HER mug of tea and was spectating the sheer brilliance of my initiative. The problem was it looked like a feeding frenzy at times which it most certainly was not. It just looked that way…………and anyway, those dogs wouldn’t get fat even if I was snacking them with small local furry things. They were having too much fun and burning too much energy to get fat. My argument fell on deaf ears of course and I was duly scolded and had to retire to the pavilion.

Prologue: The Dearest One went back to the house and I spent the next two minutes empting the remaining contents of my pockets into hungry dogs mouths!!!!
Naughty Banker

17. “Go and see what they’re barking at” “and you’ll need your coat, boots and hat”

Explanation: Dogs hearing and perception. We were relaxing for the evening (The Dearest One has moments or memory loss and relapses, and at these times I am allowed to relax) when the dogs started to bark – and bark.

You could spend 5000 pounds on a house security alarm system, when one dog is 10 times more effective.

The dogs sense vibrations as well as an acute sense of hearing as we all know (move a dog bowl as stealthily as you can – go on try it, and see if you succeed without attracting their attention)

Anyway, it was a miserable night (outside) when the dogs really set the alarms off, we know for instance that if a local farmer is out and about and he’s driven past the house in his Landy then this will kick them off, a tractor the same, Ramblers also tend to aggravate them (but they do me as well) horses are a challenge and despite me telling ALL the dogs that horses are measured in hands and not inches they just ignore me.

But tonight was different, they would not calm down.

So duly armed with my instructions I got all dressed up to go outside!!!
I let ALL the dogs out to scare the poo out of anyone in the vicinity. I followed (no poo) and armed with my trusty lantern walked out into the unknown (Gosh this is exciting)

Any rabbit, fox or other nocturnal creature would be well out of site by now.
It then hit me that the dogs were still barking, BUT not at any one point or location??
They were all over the place and barking. And I could not be in more than one place at a time.

What was it???

I don’t know. Never knew and after I started calling them in they came back all ok and simply settled down again. That was it??

My own personal view was that it was a canine conspiracy to take the urine out of the humans!! So if they were all lay there having a laugh – it was on us (or me)

18. “Don’t let him/her take that child’s ice cream” “buy one for him/her, then it won’t take it off the children”

Explanation: This was the 1 pound 50 pence ice cream I bought for the Grand children.
We took the kids down town for an ice cream…..as you do. We also took a couple of well trained, obedient, mature and most refined Spins with us.
I bought the kids ice creams and all the above then fell apart!!! There is not a lot more to add to this really, those ice creams cost me a small fortune and then I had the indignity to be seen by the public at large to be feeding a bloody Mr Softy to a dog!!!

The kids thought it hilarious……..I’ve not invited them back since

19. “And stop moaning, they do not follow you around deliberately pooing after you’ve just picked up the last lot”

Explanation: What goes in, must come out!!

When at home I do a fair bit of walking around with a pooper scooper and we have a large area to walk around!! I don’t confess to getting it all up of course “And you missed this one and there’s one over there, and see if you can get that out from under that bush!! Ooh and by the back door and under the Landy!! (Yawn)

But I simply don’t get how I can walk a route (and I actually tried this – once) and then when I come back around for lap two there is poo where I have just picked it up from. I have looked at the dogs who of course look completely angelic and innocent. I think I did see once Duncan looking smug and pleased with himself. But then again it could have been Mia…..she can be sly at times.

I complained to the Dearest One.

Stupid mistake – sympathy for the devil. No chance

20. “I suppose I should have warned those visitors about the dogs” “they were nice people, do you think they will come back”?

Explanation: A visitor comes to the house. We had a visitor one day who as I remember was a colleague of the Dearest One, a nice woman (well she was when she arrived)
I was introduced, then told to make tea and bring in cake and biscuits……..

I went white with fear. Oh no.

There were 2 or 3 Spins in the front room and the visitor went straight across the room and quite logically sat down on the couch. Aaaargghhh…..NNNNOOOOOO…..that’s the dogs couch!!

Oh my God this is going to create hell. And I was not wrong……..

A Spin climbed on to the couch, visitor touched it. Spin crept closer. Visitor took a piece of cake!!!!! Spin placed head on visitors lap. Visitor ate cake. Spin left slobber on visitors clothes. Visitor smiled, we apologized and got the Spin to move – 14 mm. it moved back. Visitor crept along to the end of the couch, Spin followed all stealth like. Visitor gulping down tea. Spin appeased (very slightly) when visitor gave it a biscuit. Spin slobbered.
Visitor had suddenly remembered it had to be in New York in an hour.

Polite Thank you’s and goodbyes.

Never to be seen again

You know, the other day I heard her say “Oh no I couldn’t possibly do this that and the other because the dogs wouldn’t like it”

Are you now beginning to see my point – they are taking over.

I am convinced they have a mind altering device – works well enough on Human Females but not so good on Human Males. However, the Human Female then works on the Human Male in favour of those Alien creatures. In other words boys, you just can’t win……….!!!!!!!

A thought for you?

Do you recognize yourself in any one of the above??

My guess is that you do – and it’s certainly more than one!!

They are among us

They are taking over

One day they will put out your food in a bowl and put you out to do your business afterwards,
You will be exercised, stroked by other carbon life forms and you’ll have to scrounge your ice creams and biscuits

And one more thought for you?? They will put you to mate with who they think will suit you best!!!!! No choice of who and when!!!

Terrifying isn’t it?

God help us if they get a driving license………

You have been warned. Be careful out there

 


 

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