It all started on a bright and sunny day somewhere in the middle of the UK. It was an unusually hot day for July, English summers are not well known for being both sunny and hot. The humans were wearing T-Shirts and shorts and were walking around pleasantly surprised by their luck with this strange weather behaviour.

But the weather wasn’t the only thing that was strange on that fateful day in July!!

HE was there?

He of the ‘blow the roof off the cottage’ and he of ‘blow up the garden’. He who has little children’s windmills stuck in the lawn and other such technical devices for scaring the moles away. Yes peoples of the world – on this fateful day in July The Mole catcher was out and about and looking for recruits to develop a small army of mole catchers.

And wearing his full mole combat gear here is that man!!!

He’s the one in Blue by the way and not the one in the childs buggy!!! I just thought it worth pointing that out to you!!

And this was what it was all about…………

Mr Mole and his family were in deep stuff as the one from the cottage on the hill was getting very serious indeed about his little problem of the all furry ones wrecking his beloved lawn. His garden was no longer his sanctuary to peace and quiet. It was a garden of mini hills that were not as green as his grass and clearly ruined the looks of this well manicured piece of turf.

Remember his friend and all his ‘bright’ ideas about getting rid of the moles, well he’s still in the home for the mentally mole retarded and was not sadly (read gladly) able to attend this sanctuary for mole catchers. But our man off the hill was………

As it turned out, and after much debate, discussion and finally agreement, he came away with the knowledge that he would need to recruit mole hunters that could sniff out and locate these moles who had for a long time blighted his life. The plan was to recruit enough of them so that they could search out and locate the enemy, isolate them and then he would move in to finish the job as it were.

Armed with the knowledge that he would have to find enough of these recruits to ensure a complete sweep of the land could be done in a short space of time he decided to ask for volunteers from the only known resource he had available to him locally.

The Spins!!!!!!!!

WHAT?? OH you have to be joking……………No – no joke. That was HIS plan!!

And this is where it all started………… we go from this……..

To this……………

Basic Training – you can see above how well basic training was going!! Freya in the mole skin camouflage coat looks round to complain to the oncoming recruit and complaining he’s stamping his feet and disrupting her sensory perception cells……….or not!!

The theory – well ok then – his theory was simple enough. The Spins have very sensitive noses, they have amazing hearing, he knows they can scent a ham sandwich being prepared in the kitchen from half a mile away and be there in seconds!!

He knows they can hear a biscuit packet being opened from 500 hundred meters away and be there before the first biscuit has been removed……

He knows they can sense a vibration and know it’s a car coming up the hill from half a mile away and start barking at it.

He knows that if they could talk they would tell you the colour of the car, whose driving it and what speed they’re doing!!!

Oh come on – you know yourselves what they’re like. At least he had that bit right!!!!!

But for being mole catchers?? Hmmmmm

There were of course a couple of training problems?

If a bird landed in a nearby bush it would create an airborne vibration, but Staff Sergeant Colin had failed to tell the Spins that moles can’t fly!!! But this didn’t stop the Spins from at least trying to find out if they could……

There were other issues as well??

From time to time during the training program it was obvious that Staff Sergeant Colin would require the toilet and as he was outside with the Spins conducting his training with them he would of course as nature demands (and the human body) need to relieve himself. Going back to the cottage would mean disruption and a lack of discipline in the field, and so he went au naturel as it were………unfortunately one of the Spins thought this was part of the training and copied Staff Sergeant Colin. Clearly to leave its own scent!!!

“How the hell did the humans adapt to relieving themselves like this I just don’t know” “it’s a strain on the back and my back legs ache”

“I’m not going like this again, and I don’t care what he’s trying to train us to do”

However, the training intensified and as time went by specialist areas were set up for the more advanced Spins who were taking it a little more seriously than others.

Here we see Freya going well undercover in pursuit of god knows what but it kept the Staff Sergeant happy so who cares….the Spins loved it and especially those who thought there might be a treat in it for them!!

On the other hand and as you can imagine there were those who had no clue at all as to what was going on and completely lost the plot as it were. As the Spins shuffled about in and around and under the bushes they off course cleared small areas that would reveal a treat for someone to find and this French lunatic certainly took advantage of that. Anouk was out and although not quite up to speed on what was going on at least found the ball she had lost 3 months ago!!!
She of course kept walking around telling everyone that because she was a water dog she had no part to play – unless moles had aqualungs and flippers!!! Then they would be fair game……

As time went by and the training continued it became clear that not all The Spins were compus mentus with the ‘Big Picture’ and things started to get a little bit confusing, some of the Spins really believed that moles could fly and would Air scent for all the wrong reasons, some would go head first into bushes believing moles could be like small apes and leap about in the bushes.
Freya was now very confused!!!!!!

Freya took matters into her own hands as the training ‘in the field’ deteriorated and as the plot went one way the Spins went in the opposite direction. They would go in one side of a bush and come out the other confused as to what they were actually supposed to be doing………

It’s obvious from the above picture that Freya has her work cut out to try and get the Spins on track to help scent out the moles for the ever impatient Staff Sergeant who had by this time gone indoors for his afternoon cookies and a nap!!

Freya took charge and one by one took each of her platoon to the specialist undercover area for advanced training techniques……

Some were a little reluctant to try out the course and Mia being the grand old lady of our Spin community was just one such Spin

“Forget it Freya, it’s just not my thing” “and anyway, how many moles have you seen in this kind of terrain”?

“If I was you I would go and see that idiot Staff Sergeant and tell him to scent out his own moles under here” “and give him my best wishes – I’m going back to my knitting”

Others were a little more enthusiastic about it and at least gave it a go…….

“Hey Freya? Does my bum look big in this bush”?

Although it does appear they did not take it that seriously!!

Then of course there comes a time when after all that hard training and working towards an end goal you just have to call it a day. Enough is enough and so it came to pass that despite all the effort it was all for a lost cause. The Spins gave in, the French contingent claimed they were water dogs and it was typical of the Italians to throw themselves at this ridiculous cause and that the moles were never going to be found in bushes and undercover.

Moles loved their fields and lawns – especially HIS lawn

As for Staff Sergeant Colin?

Well he’s taking his afternoon nap and then he will watch a soap or several and if he’s still awake he will watch a film before retiring for the night.
To date Colin lists his favourite movies as ‘Dawn of the Damned – moles’, ‘The Empire Strikes back – against the moles’, ‘Lord of the moles’ (a trilogy in 4 parts) ‘A mole too far’ and probably his all time favourite – ‘Mole Terminator’ – starring Arnold Moleneger.

After a couple of days the Spin platoon was disbanded – sadly Colin hasn’t been disbanded!!!

OK – that’s it for this session………

Take care out there and we’ll be back soon


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