It all started on a bright and sunny day
somewhere in the middle of the UK. It was an unusually
hot day for July, English summers are not well known for
being both sunny and hot. The humans were wearing T-Shirts
and shorts and were walking around pleasantly surprised
by their luck with this strange weather behaviour.
the weather wasn’t the only thing that was strange
on that fateful day in July!!
of the ‘blow the roof off the cottage’ and
he of ‘blow up the garden’. He who has little
children’s windmills stuck in the lawn and other
such technical devices for scaring the moles away. Yes
peoples of the world – on this fateful day in July
The Mole catcher was out and about and looking for recruits
to develop a small army of mole catchers.
wearing his full mole combat gear here is that man!!!
the one in Blue by the way and not the one in the childs
buggy!!! I just thought it worth pointing that out to
And this was what it was all about…………
Mole and his family were in deep stuff as the one from
the cottage on the hill was getting very serious indeed
about his little problem of the all furry ones wrecking
his beloved lawn. His garden was no longer his sanctuary
to peace and quiet. It was a garden of mini hills that
were not as green as his grass and clearly ruined the
looks of this well manicured piece of turf.
his friend and all his ‘bright’ ideas about
getting rid of the moles, well he’s still in the
home for the mentally mole retarded and was not sadly
(read gladly) able to attend this sanctuary for mole catchers.
But our man off the hill was………
it turned out, and after much debate, discussion and finally
agreement, he came away with the knowledge that he would
need to recruit mole hunters that could sniff out and
locate these moles who had for a long time blighted his
life. The plan was to recruit enough of them so that they
could search out and locate the enemy, isolate them and
then he would move in to finish the job as it were.
with the knowledge that he would have to find enough of
these recruits to ensure a complete sweep of the land
could be done in a short space of time he decided to ask
for volunteers from the only known resource he had available
to him locally.
OH you have to be joking……………No
– no joke. That was HIS plan!!
this is where it all started…………..so
we go from this……..
Training – you can see above how well basic training
was going!! Freya in the mole skin camouflage coat looks
round to complain to the oncoming recruit and complaining
he’s stamping his feet and disrupting her sensory
perception cells……….or not!!
theory – well ok then – his theory was simple
enough. The Spins have very sensitive noses, they have
amazing hearing, he knows they can scent a ham sandwich
being prepared in the kitchen from half a mile away and
be there in seconds!!
knows they can hear a biscuit packet being opened from
500 hundred meters away and be there before the first
biscuit has been removed……
knows they can sense a vibration and know it’s a
car coming up the hill from half a mile away and start
barking at it.
knows that if they could talk they would tell you the
colour of the car, whose driving it and what speed they’re
come on – you know yourselves what they’re
like. At least he had that bit right!!!!!
for being mole catchers?? Hmmmmm
were of course a couple of training problems?
a bird landed in a nearby bush it would create an airborne
vibration, but Staff Sergeant Colin had failed to tell
the Spins that moles can’t fly!!! But this didn’t
stop the Spins from at least trying to find out if they
were other issues as well??
time to time during the training program it was obvious
that Staff Sergeant Colin would require the toilet and
as he was outside with the Spins conducting his training
with them he would of course as nature demands (and the
human body) need to relieve himself. Going back to the
cottage would mean disruption and a lack of discipline
in the field, and so he went au naturel as it were………unfortunately
one of the Spins thought this was part of the training
and copied Staff Sergeant Colin. Clearly to leave its
the hell did the humans adapt to relieving themselves
like this I just don’t know” “it’s
a strain on the back and my back legs ache”
not going like this again, and I don’t care what
he’s trying to train us to do”
the training intensified and as time went by specialist
areas were set up for the more advanced Spins who were
taking it a little more seriously than others.
we see Freya going well undercover in pursuit of god knows
what but it kept the Staff Sergeant happy so who cares….the
Spins loved it and especially those who thought there
might be a treat in it for them!!
the other hand and as you can imagine there were those
who had no clue at all as to what was going on and completely
lost the plot as it were. As the Spins shuffled about
in and around and under the bushes they off course cleared
small areas that would reveal a treat for someone to find
and this French lunatic certainly took advantage of that.
Anouk was out and although not quite up to speed on what
was going on at least found the ball she had lost 3 months
She of course kept walking around telling everyone that
because she was a water dog she had no part to play –
unless moles had aqualungs and flippers!!! Then they would
be fair game……
time went by and the training continued it became clear
that not all The Spins were compus mentus with the ‘Big
Picture’ and things started to get a little bit
confusing, some of the Spins really believed that moles
could fly and would Air scent for all the wrong reasons,
some would go head first into bushes believing moles could
be like small apes and leap about in the bushes.
Freya was now very confused!!!!!!
took matters into her own hands as the training ‘in
the field’ deteriorated and as the plot went one
way the Spins went in the opposite direction. They would
go in one side of a bush and come out the other confused
as to what they were actually supposed to be doing………
It’s obvious from the above picture that Freya has
her work cut out to try and get the Spins on track to
help scent out the moles for the ever impatient Staff
Sergeant who had by this time gone indoors for his afternoon
cookies and a nap!!
took charge and one by one took each of her platoon to
the specialist undercover area for advanced training techniques……
were a little reluctant to try out the course and Mia
being the grand old lady of our Spin community was just
one such Spin
it Freya, it’s just not my thing” “and
anyway, how many moles have you seen in this kind of terrain”?
I was you I would go and see that idiot Staff Sergeant
and tell him to scent out his own moles under here”
“and give him my best wishes – I’m going
back to my knitting”
were a little more enthusiastic about it and at least
gave it a go…….
Freya? Does my bum look big in this bush”?
it does appear they did not take it that seriously!!
of course there comes a time when after all that hard
training and working towards an end goal you just have
to call it a day. Enough is enough and so it came to pass
that despite all the effort it was all for a lost cause.
The Spins gave in, the French contingent claimed they
were water dogs and it was typical of the Italians to
throw themselves at this ridiculous cause and that the
moles were never going to be found in bushes and undercover.
Moles loved their fields and lawns – especially
for Staff Sergeant Colin?
he’s taking his afternoon nap and then he will watch
a soap or several and if he’s still awake he will
watch a film before retiring for the night.
To date Colin lists his favourite movies as ‘Dawn
of the Damned – moles’, ‘The Empire
Strikes back – against the moles’, ‘Lord
of the moles’ (a trilogy in 4 parts) ‘A mole
too far’ and probably his all time favourite –
‘Mole Terminator’ – starring Arnold
a couple of days the Spin platoon was disbanded –
sadly Colin hasn’t been disbanded!!!
– that’s it for this session………
care out there and we’ll be back soon