Watch out for the philosophical moments!!
Er……..and also the ADULT section on uniforms!!
grab a cup of something, or maybe something stronger and
give yourself some chill out time to read this. It may
take a while!! And it’s a little different………??
then……..read on, but you’ve been warned!!
Spring is here and the clocks have gone back to normal!!
Or should I say they go back to being one hour forward
like normal……and who says we can’t do
I need to get away for a few days……..it’s
all been too much
with the Spring comes the cleaning, the washing of cars
and the steady stream of decorating that you’ve
talked about during winter. The grass wants mowing and
the flower beds re-arranging (we’ve got the Viz
doing ours) and of course the dogs must be at their best
because they’ll be out and about with you –
and you don’t want everything else looking nice
when at the end of that lead is what looks like a used
mop on legs – and that reminds me? Where’s
springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never is, but always to be blest.
The soul, uneasy, and confined from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.”
yes – Hope Springs Eternal – that lovely quote
that tells us no matter what, there is hope!!
(But he never came to the house on the hill did he)
this session to help you prepare for your Spring!!
Dearest One catches a cold………it’s
just a cold – good grief
mole hunter wears a nurse’s uniform – Shock
horror exclusive from the Cottage
broken wrist creates mouth abuse – “Buggar
off, I’m not giving you an interview”
barks in French – Le woof Le woof
- not in this session
tip of the day for Unica – but it’s too late
for “No don’t do it” or “I told
Bankers Notes Special Adventure to the edge of the earth
– and back
Section – Human?
Dearest One had a cold.
is of course serious and life threatening and she is currently
recovering by having intravenous tea, chocolate biscuits
every 5 minutes and constant messages on her smartrssphone
of get better and nice words to that effect.
in reality I want you to picture the ACTUAL scene?
is one sicko on one couch and what was a hormonal Spinone
on the other couch ‘Unica’. Whinging from
one couch and whining from the other couch. All in all
not a pleasant place to be. So I got tickets to fly out
and leave them to get on with it!!!
the men are going – good for him, best place to
be? Miles away!!
the women are going – well, bloody typical man………when
the going gets tough he gets going
and it’s a big BUT? I have financed a pharmacy store,
bought shares in Tetley Tea and I’m a shareholder
in a chocolate biscuit manufacturer – so there!
– oh yes there’s more……….The
Dearest One does NOT have man flu – Oh no no no.
She will never know what us men have to go through –
like giving birth only worse!!
you are aware this debilitating condition is the most
serious of serious virus’s and can reduce a man
to gathering maximum sympathy and never getting it. Usually
of course we just get abuse and called horrid names –
wimp, call yourself a man, you want to go through childbirth,
you don’t know what it’s like to have a cold
until you’ve got this one……..and so
ladies, think on before condemning us men when we get
– MAN FLU. It’s like death, only in a living
form? It IS a near death experience for us
see the light – and in my case I headed for it,
and found it at 36000 feet!!
truth I didn’t want to be around when she recovered?
I’d have been chased off the hill!!!
well soon dear………
section – Canine
(if you’ve read his Adventures) has fallen over
backwards in his own poo courtesy of the horse, had a
thorn in his pad courtesy of next doors farm cat that
he took on and lost against said cat leaving him with
a bloody nose, other than that he’s fine!!
has of course had her pups and is sort of hormonal; we
have now cordoned off a 5 meter perimeter around her so
the other dogs – especially JJ and Claude can’t
get close otherwise she will “rip their heads off”
(Unquote from The Dearest One wiping her nose)
ripping for Spinoni – A Bankers Notes special supplement
typical female – Unica has now taken over the toy
basket, a couch full of the toys from the basket, the
water bowl, food and everything – The Dearest One’s
just grateful she can’t use the remote for the idiot
box – but then neither can I – I’ve
never been allowed near it
Viz has had the trots!!
caught what the Viz had and so did 7 other dogs!!!
were the days of poo patrols with a wheelbarrow
The Dearest One has a cold!!!
you wonder why I took the next flight out
yes, forgot, the Parrots fine!!
bloody parrot?? I must have answered our phone 93 times
to nothing because of that bird’s rather uncanny
habit of copying to perfection the ringtone
change the ringtone then’……..he copied
that as well
when we pick up the real phone to answer it – he
says ‘Hello’ out loud
you want to hear it copy the Cockerel – actually
repertoire continues……..and we’ve had
that bird for years. Sometimes, just sometimes……………bloody
thing is dysfunctional
fits in well with us
shock horror story from the Cottage
shocking piece is not recommended for persons of a nervous
disposition or are easily offended by the abnormal!!
must be over 18 to read this section as it involves nurses
Hope Sprang out of the window and cleared off down into
the valley below!!
to get two new tyres on the car”
we’re going out to a car tyre emporium”
Dearest one’s Father to The Dearest one
parrot starts to ring – oh, there’s a surprise?
so does the phone!!!!!!
The Dearest one wasn’t quick enough!!
your Dad and your mother is in hospital” said the
no, what’s happened”? Asks concerned of Cymru
was just getting the second front wheel off the car and
it slipped off the bolts and fell on her hand”
you come and finish off what she started otherwise we
don’t have a car”
really very lucky” “It fell on her hand so
the wheel rim isn’t damaged”
so begins the next phase of Cottage Drama……..
here is a woman who lives for control and if you take
that control away then life can be (shall we say) frustrating
in a difficult can’t do anything right type of way.
we are where we are and for an elderly woman of 128, I
personally thought it was a bit much in getting her to
change the tyres.
that had been me then I would say yes fine, I’ll
take the wheels off and hand them over to her, then she
can change the tyres, but Oh no not Colin………tried
to get her to do the lot.
a broken bone in her hand is the result of his over enthusiasm
to get some new shoes on a couple of the corners of the
it’s not a real car – not like the proper
one we have!!
one of those small converted van things for elderly people
inclusive of the orange “We don’t pay for
also got a sticker on the rear window - “Am I driving
safely” – well of course you are you’re
only doing 17mph) “AAARRRGGGGHHHHH”……..”GET
OFF THE ROAD”
We’ve borrowed that orange card sometimes if we
can’t be bothered to park away from the shops and
walk. But we look ridiculous getting back to the car with
two big dogs and some shopping bags – I even had
to limp once when we saw the warden……..well
it wasn’t exactly limping, more like staggering
because JJ was pulling me along. It was JJ limping with
the 4 shopping bags tied together and hung 2 each side
over his back. The Dearest One’s idea – honest!!
forgot what I was on about now……..
yea………broken bone, hand, tyres. That
was it. Anyway, the hospital plastered her hand and sent
her off with a shopping trolley full of pain killers and
swelling reducers and I’ve no doubt some other weird
and wonderful drugs.
few days later the plastered one (hand)!! was stood over
everything Colin did, coffee making to fire ignition and
log fetcher and and and – Colin at this point, wanted
to get plastered
Dearest one went up to the cottage at visiting time. And
there in all his glory was her Dad!!
Wearing his new second hand nurses uniform – he
got it from a hospital nurse but forgot just one minor
got it off a She nurse not a he nurse!!
here he is, resplendent in his freshly acquired nurses
uniform and off he went to the kitchen to make The dearest
one a cup of tea (with one biscuit) and of course the
plastered one a cup of coffee – and two biscuits.
plastered one then spent the next few hours complaining
about the hoovering, dusting, fire lighting, the standard
of the logs (they weren’t woody enough) the coffee
wasn’t served at 82 degrees and ‘his’
uniform was creased, the pocket watch was slow and her
paper arrived late (Because he had to change into civilian
clothes to go to the shop and buy it)
the car with two new tyres!!
the moles were happy?
came up one morning from their underground low rise apartments
(now redecorated from the recent blasts and earthquakes)
and they were having a pre-spring country dance and ho
down in celebration that the lunatic in the cottage in
his fancy dress was now confined to quarters and he had
no hope of interfering with them.
drink flowed, and throughout the day they danced and sang
and sang and danced with so much joy…….can’t
write this anymore, bought a tear to my eye……
plots moved again hasn’t it……..I’ll
be fine, no it’s ok, don’t worry about me
Dearest one tried so hard to be nice!! She did honestly
so visiting time is over and The Dearest one leaves to
go back down to the house and to comfort and nurture the
friendship of the dogs.
Unica of course……but she had an excuse
Claude…..it’s a French thing you know
the parrot – ‘Hello’
JJ…… who wants his couch back!!
I was rocking the skies as I headed into the sun………..lots
had her pups, all seven of them and all rather big in
a puppy kind of way. I had forgotten just how big small
they could be and poor Unica………still,
not as bad as man flu!!
Dearest One’s role now was that of house maid and
now spends her time duly looking after the welfare of
mom and pups inclusive of removing all the P and P from
the Ps…..I’m quite pleased with that. Clever
in an obvious kind of way
with my acoustic noise dampening headset on and trying
so hard not to sing songs and dance in my seat I rocked
the flight to a land far far away………..but
this was no ordinary trip??
Remember some time ago when The Dearest One and buddies
disappeared in the Land Rover down to Southern Italy for
a Spin thing??
as you may recall she came back with a new blood line
new blood line thing has had me thinking for some time
that I ought to bring in a new blood line!! (oh oh)
different, unique but equally something ‘us’
new blood line that would shake the dog world to its paws
was in search of the rare Spinicus Giganticus (A what)??
folks……I had a long chat with The Dearest
One and she admitted I was completely mad and beyond help.
The trip would come to nothing and I would never find
this rarest of rarities.
It was mission impossible, but me being me, that was the
I shall never forget The Dearest One’s parting words
tell you if you bring one back here I’ll have you
sectioned and put away, or preferably put down”
is such sweet sorrow!!!
so for your reading delectation is:
Giganticus – Raiders of the Lost Plot
A Bankers Notes Special Adventure
a land far far away the aircraft landed safely and the
passengers disembarked and were fed through a tube to
passport control. Including that great idiotic adventurer
had a 4 wheel drive in the car park waiting for me and
all it needed was a map, some guidance and a lot of luck
– a LOT of luck – oh yes, and the most useless
guide on earth!!
why the 4 wheel drive??
I was heading out into the desert. Literally heading out
into the desert – I was on a Bankers Special Adventure
had been given the basic idea of this trip from a so called
mate of mine who said if I wanted to be different and
bring in a new blood line to the UK then I would have
to find something rare and unique, and he knew exactly
what I needed.
explained that he knew some people who could help me but
it meant a long trip into the desert but once there I
would not be disappointed.
so started my latest adventure……….
hit the road from the airport and I decided to get to
know my ‘guide’?
are we going”?
know” “but it’s in the desert somewhere”
you been in the desert many times before”?
you know these people”?
come you’re my guide”?
I speak the language and you can’t”
let me understand this – you have no idea where
we’re going, you’ve never been in the desert
before and you don’t know the people we’re
going to see”
give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just drop
you off in the nearest village”
be lost without me”!!
gave up making conversation
drive to the desert was about 150 miles and then another
60 miles into it, so I was told to stop at a petrol station
and fill up with fuel. I also bought some water and chocolate
bars….just in case!!
was here although I didn’t know it that we were
to meet our hosts and we had to follow them!!
this is just great………!!
road got smaller and smaller until we hit the edge of
the desert where the terrain went from tarmac to rough
tracks and this was going to be interesting, if not then
it would be fun……..
the vehicles I was following did not slow down and across
this rocky ground we were still travelling at 80mph!!
And we hadn’t even got to the sand – the soft
Now it is worth me pointing out here that I am no stranger
to driving off road, nor am I a stranger to driving in
the desert and the Wadi’s or dried up river beds.
In a previous life some years ago I got taught how to
drive in these conditions and took many an adventure out
into some seriously rough terrain – just ask The
Dearest One? She was with me……..
pile of rocks in the distance was the last of the rocky
road and we were at this point on hard sand and although
rough still doing around 60 to 70 mph…….
tree stumps are guides for idiots like us and if you go
past them left or right you’re in trouble!!
avoided going left or right
4 wheel drive is fitted with a ‘stolen’ Land
Rover all terrain system and in the UK I had the ‘Snow
and ice’ option – where I was now, it was
the ‘sand’ option
as we headed out the temperature started to drop outside,
when I started out it was 38 degrees and now it was 30
degrees and soon it would be down to around 10 to 12 degrees.
You’ve seen it on the idiot box that it gets bitterly
cold in the desert of a night and from experience I can
tell you that it really does get very very cold.
me this was not just an adventure, it was all about finding
a new blood line for us. This was about impressing The
Dearest One at my genius in discovering a breed so rare
that at Crufts we would be the stars of the show in the
‘Discover Dogs’ section……..Trust
we had navigated carefully through the rocks and hills
leading into the desert the real fun began………!!
was one driver who was nervous and in the wrong places
slowed down as his 4 wheel drive moved from side to side
in the ruts left by the other two 4WDs…..the sand
was soft and the dunes high and wide. This was not the
place to get stuck
was at the back of the pack but decided if I carried on
following the nervous one I would have to slow down and
probably get stuck. I knew hitting the wrong side of the
dunes to hard would be a catastrophe and it’s dangerous
if the sand had drifted and so I viewed ahead in front
of him and picked my moment to overtake.
had spotted a dune that looked firm enough and I had a
good run at it in an open area where no other vehicle
had been, it was a risk without checking first but sometimes
you just get one opportunity. And so I went for it and
screamed past him at speed. I hit the dune and over the
top with slight airborne feeling……….the
other side was solid. VERY!!!
had a rocky bed to it and the bottom of my 4WD hit it
hard and made a funny crunchy sounds!!
‘guide’ sat there quietly with an odd complexion
and in the light he looked green!!
about an hour I finally saw a camp in the distance and
knew this was our destination. By now the land was very
flat, the sand soft and the going was tough. It threw
us all over the place but slowing down was not an option
even though I was getting tired.
We eventually stopped at our camp site. We were not staying
the night but I knew the drive back would be difficult
in pitch darkness with no light pollution and just the
moon and stars for light. In fact the drive back was a
ridiculous thing to attempt, but I love the rush and the
my car is the one with the rear lights on – a white
one!! Not the lights – the car.
On the drive back out of the desert I raced that red pick-up…….and
the beige coloured pick-up. I would love one of those
beige pick-ups – Toyota 4 litre V6 and a real off
roader second to none. I love my Land Rovers but that
Toyota is an amazing bit of kit.
to the plot
host had arranged for me to see the blood line first,
then a surprise? Then we eat!!
followed my host to a large penned off area and duly met
my new blood line.
thought to myself ‘The Dearest One will be so impressed’
and Gentlemen – I give you Spinicus Giganticus
– The giant long necked Spinone
rare is that??
know I know you’re impressed…………
got to do a deal and we’re up and running “So
my friend, how much are they”?
these below are all young females and some with young”
these are around forty to fifty thousand of your pounds
the big male over there who would like to meet these females
will cost you around one hundred and thirty thousand of
no, he wasn’t joking
for interest he is tethered because a couple of those
females are ready for him and he knows it……and
would like to be introduced to them!! Bitch on heat ring
a bell!!!!! Better keep the dog away then…..same
fact the big boy is very popular and his “Babies”
are purchased immediately it is proven that the female
he mated with is pregnant. Regardless of gender and regardless
of any issues.
has never failed
OK I give in
me that’s failed – I know it now
guide finally came into his own and told me they were
mate who told me before they were a rare breed had disappeared
and the last I heard of him he was somewhere in the deepest
Amazon region – don’t worry there’s
nowhere he can hide and will have to come out eventually.
so these are camels – and The Dearest One is going
to be so disappointed that I will return empty handed
and Crufts will have to go without us again……unless
they let the Barbets in!!
forget that as well…….I’d have a better
chance of getting the camels in!!!
gentleman is genuine Bedu – a Bedouin tribesman.
His rapport with the camels had to be seen to be believed
and they were not just his work and his living but they
were part of the family, because they helped support the
family. We did not share a common language but he showed
me a lot and introduced me to his family…..he has
120 of them so I only got introduced to a few!!!
are very docile and friendly. Inquisitive (for food bits)
and are truly amazing when you get this close to them
and see just how nature has tuned them to the desert life
all the introductions it was time for food………..
– Desert style
charcoal from the local area!!! (Remember the guide trees
into the desert)
the spit slowly turning is a Lamb. Fresh that day
improvised the spit by using a second hand electric motor
from a car window mechanism with the leads from a car
first it was black tea and Arabic coffee…….
FRESH Camels milk from one of the Moms I had just been
bowl floating on the top is the serving bowl. But first
you get a bowl of dates and cover them in the milk froth
and eat those as a starter……..
you get a FULL bowl of camels milk to drink
it taste like”
– get a glass of milk from the fridge at home and
warm it slightly, then add half a spoon of sugar and stir.
So you have a sort of sweet warm milk.
that is exactly what it tastes like
A perspective for you
I made a milk coffee or a hot chocolate for you with camels’
milk you would not go back to cow’s milk again –
it is really delicious. I have had camels’ milk
chocolate and it’s lovely. And I don’t like
was given three small bottles of the above to take home
with me and put it in my tea. Superb
believe me?? Look it up on the internet…….Camels
milk is considerably better for you than cow’s milk,
but for me – this didn’t come any fresher!!
dinner was still taking a turn for the better I went to
meet my hosts ‘Parrot’
likes parrots and has 10 of them……..his parrots
have attitude – serious attitude, and I went outside
the tent not just to meet one in person but also to fly
an amazing session with said parrot it was time to go
back inside the tent and have a few photo’s taken
so I can share his parrot with you……….
it doesn’t keep saying ‘Hello’ or sound
like a telephone ringing!!!
particular parrot is silent and very deadly!!!!!!
spotted – it’s not a parrot
a Peregrine Falcon – and yes I flew it onto a lure……..Staggering,
and although I’ve hunted before with a Harris Hawk
this has to be the privilege of privileges
host is with me here and takes his best birds all over
North Africa, the UAE and Oman to hunt with them in season.
his birds (he had two with him on this night) mostly come
from the best of the best breeders and trainers in the
for me this was truly a privilege
want one of these and if Claude plays me up then I know
just how to get him back – one way or the other!!!
Retrieval in reverse……….
could see the headlines couldn’t you??
retrieves gun dog from field” - oh that brought
a smile to my face, and probably a slap on it from you
was hungry by now and just on cue dinner came in carried
by two of the Bedouin………..
Dinner is served…….freshly BBQ’d lamb
on a bed of rice
knives, forks or spoons except to serve with
spoon the rice onto a plate, then with your hands pull
off chunks of hot meat from the big lump of meat. Grab
a handful of hot fresh flat bread and eat……….with
your hands!! YUMMY
in true style you lean back against your cushion and join
in the chatter and talk about the usual things!!! Desert
sand storms, cars, business and how the night went……..
sat there until around midnight and by then it was very
cold indeed and we gathered around the hot embers of the
fire and chatted a little more before we all shook hands
and bid our farewells…………..
was sad to leave them but I had a big agenda over the
next few days and with a couple of the others we had to
not before I said goodbye to the girls outside???
rather, one very special girl
that was it…………
drive back out of the desert was just how I knew it would
be……..very tricky and in places it even got
me a little nervous.
guide was wearing a strange perfume or after shave that
I had to open the windows to let out at one point, but
knew it wasn’t my driving!!!!!
had already decided to give that red pick-up a chase and
although a hopeless task it was my target vehicle to get
us out of the desert and eventually back onto the highway.
places it got silly but looking back now it was one hell
of a rush
had another hundred miles to drive to get back to my accommodation
but at least it was on tarmac!!!
next day I had a look around my car…….oops………I
had to have the petrol sender replaced (it was leaking)
the floor under the petrol tank was damaged as was the
passenger sill from rock collisions, I had ripped off
the sump guard that had in turn gauged a big chunk of
the oil sump, and they replaced that as well. There were
a few other minor dents but other than that all was well!!!
a family car it’s very good. Lots of toys, but where
I went, SatNav was of course useless!!
left at the next sand dune”
500 meters go round the rock formation”
the thing went well and I would have liked more ground
clearance and firmer suspension, a more powerful engine
than the 3.5 litre V6 I had, and a better guide!!!
then it wouldn’t be a family car with those enhancements
would it and I’m just picking flies really.
that’s it really and I know very well this is a
very unusual Bankers Notes but thought I would share this
experience with you to let you see it’s not all
about the Barbet and the Spins.
I got back home I was greeted with “And where’ve
you been” “You’ve been gone for days
and I couldn’t get you on the phone……….”
would think you’ve been gallivanting about in the
where’s this wonder breed of yours anyway”
I’m not going tell her if you don’t!!!
hope you’ve enjoyed this session and remember, take
care out there and watch out for the camels!!
yes – And did my trip affect us back on the hill??
in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.
It's the life in your years’