Lord of the rings?? Oh no……..Now
what’s he on about
firstly this is not the sudden find of a new undiscovered
Tolkien novel that I found in the
loft, nor is it the sequel to the Peter Jackson movies
of the same name.
I saw Avatar, Lord of the rings rocked………
Avatar? WOW….simply staggering, amazing (I quite
liked that film)!!!
so was The Dearest One’s face when I turned up at
the Birmingham NEC - unannounced!!!
before your imaginations disappear into the distance I
have to say that when the Dearest Ones face was staggering
and amazing, I do not mean it was blue and she had on
a lead a huge Pterodactyl out of the Avatar movie. But
shocked she was??
would she be so shocked to see me??
I do NOT do the shows
2. I did NOT tell her I was coming!!
surprise – and yes all the way from the Middle East
we have brought you (drum roll) – The Banker”
“And welcome to the show……”
you dear and it’s so lovely to be here, blah blah
thought it would be a nice surprise!! And it was………..How
with two of our finest qualified!! (Well, alright then
– Savanna and Freya) how could I not be there. I’ve
done a champ show, a local show and now Crufts…….that
qualifies me to comment!!
of where I was, the journey was a little daunting and
I ended up at Birmingham Airport and in a Hotel for the
night at the NEC. The cunning plan was to surprise The
Dearest One as she entered into the hall. My fiendish
here we are with our trusty dogs to show at this year’s
event, Savanna and Freya.
don’t do any of the shows as you all know for a
number of reasons and for me Crufts is no different. Yes
I know it’s the biggest and best and it’s
got lots of stands, stalls for all sorts of tastes. I
was informed there were approx 800 stands there.
I did a quick assessment and noted approx 700 of these
were food related, and then concluded that all 700 stall
owners had Spins!!
but come on………….some of those
food stalls were really quite over the top? There were
all sorts of food stuffs and a lot of them had samples.
I tried a couple and they were bloody awful so God knows
what the dogs must have thought.
those that were there did you notice the size and variety
of stalls? Example: One rather large Global entity took
up a space about the size of New York whereas Mrs. Jones
Herbal Organic Pet Dog Protein Emporium was a desk and
2 chairs near the exit. “And don’t forget
sonny, I bake the dog biscuits on Sundays”!!!!
one of the BIG Global entity stalls that I took Freya
to (they had samples) I got all the bull organic waste
about how it would improve everything in Freya from breeding
to coat and tail, her teeth, and represented great value
for money. I asked what ‘great value for money’
much is it a bag then” I duly enquired……….then
nearly passed out……….
I said “you misunderstand me” “I don’t
want shares in the company, just a bag”
grabbed a couple of small chips of this alleged super
food and chewed away on it. Later, when I was on the plane
flying back out, the lady in the seat next to me asked
what moisturizer I was using on my skin as it looked so
shouldn’t have been so cynical about that bag of
dog food now……..I could be on to a fortune
in ladies skin care products.
drew the line when she tried to stroke me and called me
her special boy.
there’s the collars and leads brigade, the dog clothing
(refer to The Banker Does A Dog show) these still make
me smile today.
shampoo’s and cleansers (that was a laugh) I liked
the scented one’s!!
asked one guy on a stand if they did an eau de cologne
for the male dogs. He was not very polite!!
loads of stuff going on to entertain the crowds inclusive
of the annual dancing sheep dog.
I bet that’s a bundle of fun during the day trying
to round up the sheep, imagine a stray one to bring in
“Do you know the cha cha”? “We could
do that back to the flock”……..”How
about a slow waltz” or “You’ve got two
left feet you know”!! Or what about “Do you
know how to foxtrot”? “You bloody will in
a minute if you don’t get back in there with the
Equally is the all important stuff of the informed and
the being informed. So information on everything dog is
there for us all to see and get involved with, I would
be a disaster trying to sell or promote some of that stuff….
yes of course it does all that, and it works best on dogs
of the size and shape you have”
“Yes this food will make it sing and dance and the
biggest benefit is that the poo is easily biodegradable
in the garden and gives your roses a unique smell”!!
were trialing this product for at least 3 weeks before
we released it onto an unsuspecting public and preferably
a public with a dog. It’s a global retrieve device
where we implant a chip in the owner’s neck and
the dog has a similar one in its collar, when the owner
calls the dog it releases a food hormone in the dog collar
and the dog immediately responds”?
“It finds the nearest food source and stays there”
but what about the owner”?
haven’t tested that yet but in our experiments we
know they spend hours shouting and looking for their dogs”
owners even got the dog back”
are panties for the lady dog”!!!
come in all shapes and sizes and are particularly effective
when they are in season”
of course sell the panty liner to go with the panties”
it’s not a joke at all”
on the TV right”? “It’s one of those
shows isn’t it”?
sir – this is a serious product for serious and
sir, have you got many bitches in the house”
yes, one and 5 dogs” “No sorry, 5 and one
with 5 bitches sir you surely must consider our family
pack of 6 panties and we’ll give you a free pack
got a better idea”? “But that’s not
Beep beep Beeeeeeeeep!!!!!!
you could seriously fatten your pet pooch with all the
animal feed stands……don’t know about
you, but if we had not been so vigilant it would have
taken us about 3 hours to walk 50 metres.
and around the show rings it’s packed full of little,
medium and large owners and all with their proud dogs!!!
Or should that be the other way round……..
love the semi-detached pre-fabricated hutchy boxy things
the dog(s) sit in before and after going into the ring…..we,
or rather the Dearest One had two of them. So there!!!
got Freya in one – once!! And it lasted all of 5
minutes…..the nice lady next to us had sandwiches
went in one and settled down – for another 5 minutes.
I sat in it instead, not comfortable by any means but
it was private enough and I could contemplate life. For
else in that row had a Spin in a box….I’m
sure there’s a joke in there somewhere. Except us!!
Try as we might they were not interested. Hawkeye (Freya)
sensed food all over the place and she was not to be denied.
On the other hand Savanna was so laid back even I went
all Hippie……..”Yea dude, peace and love”
there’s the preening pruning and combing………..
think? That I have a right to comment on this but my disappointment
with the dog shows is the way some of the breeds are prepared
and shown. Now not everyone is going to agree with me
here, so I will make it clear that this is my view.
example: The English and Welsh Springer’s, The Cocker
Spaniels are fantastic gun dogs. I have worked with dozens
of them over the years. But at the shows I do not recognize
them as the true working dog they are. I don’t understand
and curiously no one – yes no one has been able
to explain to me why they have to be shown the way they
are. Why can’t they be shown the way they are naturally?
thing I noticed – is it me or is the Welsh Springer
around the rings I noticed some breeds looked slimmer
or smaller than I remember them. I asked ‘a person’
about it and was told that indeed the breed standard and
the judges preferred the smaller lighter ‘look’
just don’t get it……..
am not stupid to recognize a judge’s personal preference.
I have the same. I like big dogs, but not big dogs being
bred smaller to satisfy the ring trend of a big dog being
bred smaller. Can someone please explain this to me?
asked one or two people I met about it and sadly it seemed
to be almost fashionable!! If the ring trend meant a smaller
dog etc then so be it………the breeders
then trended downsizing
here we are at Crufts 2012…….Gun Dog Day
impression? I was here at Crufts years ago with The Dearest
One and that’s how we ended up with a Spin!!! (Big
sigh, smaller wallet)
impression? Bloody hell – haven’t these people
heard of austerity?? Why oh why is everything at the NEC
so ridiculously expensive? The words, off and rip, sprang
to mind, but not in that order.
and utterly unacceptable in this current climate……..come
the revolution brothers and sisters we shall return to
for NEC Management: Remember the film, ‘V’
for Vendetta………think on
starved and dehydrated rather than pay overinflated prices
for a sandwich (sandwich was what was advertised but not
what was presented) whilst a burger needed a bank loan,
and oh my God, did you see some of those of burgers –
Freya refused one!!! And a cup of tea – a cup of
hot water and a tea bag……and how much? Pathetic
did what the dogs were doing, taking the free samples
on the dog food stands – I regretted it later mind
you, I kept going outside in the garden to poo……
impression? Gosh – lots of people and lots more
dogs of the gun variety……so there are people
with money?………come the revolution brothers
and sisters…….or have I just done that bit.
we don’t do much else do we?? I mean the money thing,
our only outlet are the shows and all the fun and joy
they bring us!!! So what the hell…….spend
and be damned –I chose to be damned.
- The Dearest One does it with ease……..!!!!!!
the Banker goes on walkabout…….with a Spin!!!
liked the human watching thing. Gun dog day is easily
the most popular and The Dearest One informed me that
this year it had its own day, and so it should as well!!!
human watching. Freya and I went on walkabout and I had
it in my head to do the rounds as best I could (There
were sandwiches everywhere and Freya is lethal at close
range to one) I went hoarse telling people not to give
her a piece – 9 times out of 10 she just took a
piece anyway. “Oh bless her”!!!! “Sorry
about that, can I get you another one”………
some of the rings I noted that the people showing were
dressed quite smartly and with men in semi shooting gear
and the ladies in nice trouser suits it gave the ring
an air of quality, a sort of standard to be upheld.
this was not the case with all the breeds.
me being me!! I thought to myself it would be great for
the owners showing in the rings to dress appropriately
to the breed they were showing.
course in the Spin ring they did!!!!!!
English Springer Ring – Dress like
you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards
Viszla Ring – dress like you’ve
just been released from a straight jacket and the drugs
have worn off
Small Hounds Ring – dress like all
your clothes are two sizes too small for you and take
very short steps – Charlie Chaplain type of walk
Pointers Ring – dress like you’re
a city gent and stride out with an Avengers type of look,
occasionally stopping and pointing at things
Water Dogs Ring – stride purposefully
like your coming out of the water fully dressed, sort
of curly and bedraggled
Bassett Hound Ring – work it out for
yourself!!! (walk round like all your bits are dragging
on the ground)!!
Retrievers Ring – dress like its Sunday
and you’re off to the in-laws for tea. If you win,
take the Rosette from your owner and take it back to the
found some show stands that had absolutely nothing to
do with dogs?
Insurance was one……Fully comp sir, third party
fire and theft? – another rip off and the small
print is venomous
Royal Automobile Club (RAC)?? Dog broken down sir?? Can’t
get the dog started in the morning or you want recovery?
Just call our helpful customer service unit in the Asia
highly trained and are sure not to understand a word you’re
aim to frustrate
ignored most of these as I saw little point……Except
for Heroes & Hounds for Heroes
is the one stand I found and spent a fair amount of money
in. These people do some extraordinary work for all our
servicemen and women returning from conflict areas that
we are involved with. Whether you agree with us being
there is academic, we are there and we should support
our own out in the field of conflict.
I have a very close infinity to the armed forces and had
no issues supporting this wonderful group of people.
you saw the final Crufts showing on the TV on that Sunday
finals night then you will have also seen the Springer
and his handler just returned from Afghanistan where that
dog had found 2 IEDs and saved countless lives. They won
that event to an enormous cheer from the crowds.
money they won, the handler splendidly donated to Hounds
latter is similar to Guide Dogs for the Blind, Hearing
Dogs for the Deaf and Dogs for the Disabled
close I would ask you to think about contributing to this
wonderful charity. It is genuine and is not drowning in
admin costs that dilute the contributions. I checked!!
Sincere Thank you
And so back to my walkabout………..
was the thing here. I walked around when time allowed
to gather knowledge, anything and everything was taken
in. As noted in the above?
and panty liners for lady dogs
that all did the same thing – stopped skin infections,
glossy coat, healthy gums and teeth and god knows what
else…..the terrifying thing was the price differences.
How can they vary so much? Although seeing that ludicrous
stand of that one global entity it was easier to reconcile
their cost per bag!!
people were great fun and asked me all sorts of sensible
of them even knew the breed that was dragging me to the
next food stall…….amazing
I did get to meet some of The Dearest One’s Friends!!!
And by implication they got to meet me!!
met Helen………..Now Helen is the brains
behind our website. And Helen runs Mavaya.co.uk and yes
it’s a bit of a gentle promo but she does do a terrific
job for us and for me Helen it was a joy and a pleasure
to meet you. The person behind the scenes for us………Thanks
for the efforts Helen and a great job.
then met Sharon……
told me she had not had any complaints!! And after seeing
her photo’s on the ISCGB Website I can now see why
she had never received any complaints.
not sure what showed breast – er sorry best………those
or the dogs!!!
sure I saw a stand there Sharon that could muzzle those
two……….I will send you the contact details.
hope to see all 3 of you next year!!!
met other nice people who were splendid and a delight
to see again.
also saw but dare not disturb an unsung hero of the Spin
world?? Linda Mayne and her camera’s
don’t often give praise and it is hard earned from
me, but to Linda, Jan and Lesley I take my hat off to
you – WE really appreciate the fantastic job you
do at all the shows.
is taken for granted………..except we don’t!!
you ladies………your contribution is truly
met some people from overseas, Scandinavia, the US of
A and Europe (Germany and Italy)
They were great fun and I want to thank the American ladies
I was talking to when Savanna was in the ring and won.
Until they told me, I had no idea……..I was
at the time trying desperately hard to stop Freya from
invading another sandwich box whilst holding a sensible
so to next year!!!!!!
YES………I will be back.
it will be different next year I can assure you??
not sure if The Dearest One will show next year or not,
but I will be??
am going to enter two events with the Spins next year?
Event – Fly Ball.
watched that with interest and decided there and then
that we should enter a team of Spins to take on the rest
of the world.
won’t be easy training them of course….
I noted they have the dogs in a sort of sit come missile
launcher position for the start. Try that with a Spin
and it’s likely to go down on all fours and fall
asleep giving the competition a bit of a head start.
if we used Mia she would charge off down the track, over
the jumps and grab the ball having triggered the release
device (if she hasn’t ploughed straight through
it) then she would come straight back and proceed to refuse
point blank to release the ball and in turn triggering
the next of Spins to go. Freya……..
would charge off down the track, over the jumps and hit
the release device to grab the ball.
She would by then have noticed a small sandwich box being
opened by an innocent lady in row 3. Chicken if I’m
not mistaken. She would charge off in the direction of
the innocent lady in row 3 and clear the first 2 rows
landing plump in said ladies lap. The ball would then
be exchanged for a sandwich.
could let Kallie go next who would get half way down the
track and decide it’s not for her after all and
she would lie down and go to sleep against the second
the time we got the ‘team’ back together they
would be switching off the lights to go home.
thinks some training may be needed!!!!!!
Event – The Dancing Spin
I’ve seen this a couple of times and of course it’s
to be admired to get a dog to prance around like that.
And this is my second event if – and I stress if
– we don’t qualify for the fly ball finals.
Although when we get through to those finals we will of
course have to ensure that we don’t use one of our
fly ball team to dance later on. They will need to rest.
for the dance routine I’m going to go for a sort
of Torville and Dean thing but without the ice. That’s
just going to complicate it………..
chosen dog would of course be JJ…..?? My favourite
of all our Spins, and me and JJ get on well together!!
Alpha male and all that
first issue is of course who is going to wear the tutu??
And who is going to be in the tight fitting suit. Now
don’t laugh – this is serious stuff
thought we could start with a simple through the legs
routine to get warmed up, but I dropped this idea in practice
last week after I discovered that his head ploughed head
first – as it were - straight into my nether regions
and I couldn’t continue for a while.
I went for the lift the leg routine and he went underneath
but in his enthusiasm he hit my other leg which WAS on
the ground……….I also needed a moment
to recover from this little mishap.
So I naturally turned to him going round both my legs
in a circle whilst I walked slowly forward, this too was
a bit of a disaster? After 10 meters he was so dizzy he
fell over and took a little time to recover.
it’s early days and I’m sure we’ll get
there eventually and be ready for next year’s Crufts
dancing dog thing.
a pp to the above – JJ ripped up the tutu he was
wearing. So now I’m going to have to shave my legs!!!!!!
that’s it for this year’s Crufts…….I
enjoyed it and a big Thanks to all those who said Hello
and made my trip more than worthwhile.
day out and good fun was had by all?? Or was it??
care and be safe. Unlike me……..