How on earth we’ve moved from Spinoni to moles is quite beyond me if I’m honest. But it has and under the circumstances it is little wonder?

A couple of months ago in The Bankers Notes – ‘Minor Alterations and Major Interference’ you may recall, that rather odd story of The Dearest One’s father developing an obsession with the moles that were blighting his beloved lawn. You may remember that a ‘mate’ of his made several suggestions as to how to get rid of them…………..

- Place children’s windmills in the lawn because the vibration from them spinning in the wind kept the moles away

- Put firelighters down the holes and waft the smoke down the burrows

- Shoot the Viz because he was the cause of all this with his incessant digging

- Shoot the mate of the Dearest Ones father (my idea)

None of this has worked, which pleased the Viz!!

Both The Dearest One’s Father and his mate have been time served in an institution for those suffering from Post Traumatic Mole Disorder (PTMD)

In the confines of this wonderful institution they shared not just stories of bravery against the moles but also pills that gave them hallucinations. Visitors to them both were scarce and those that ventured forth into the inner sanctum of their happy home have remained there ever since having mistook the grapes for the pills – even though the pills were yellow and purple.

Meanwhile back at the cottage where nothing had changed because the moles had returned and set up camp. This little cottage garden is fenced off so the Spins can’t get in, and when they do, they can’t get back out – and now I’m booked into the same institution.

And where’s The Dearest One??

Is she:

A) Out with the dogs

B) Training Claude to shoot – he is a gun dog after all

C) Claude’s training her – she picks up better but is hopeless at sniffing the ground

D) They’re all out looking for the Viz!!
E) She’s gone to visit the 2 loonies

F) They let the loonies out and she’s took the dogs to Canada

G) Making a cup of tea, and one for me (no, forget that one) it never happens and I might just as well have a kettle as an extension to my right arm and a bucket on my left arm

H) She’s training the Spins to get into the cottage garden – and poo

I) They’ve been in the cottage garden – had a poo, and she’s picking it up

J) Or is she organising a Rugby Sevens Five a Side Premiership League with the Kennel Club

And yes you’ve guessed right – it’s none of the above

She is in fact making tea for all the Geologists, Oceanographers and Scientists that have suddenly descended in and around our house ever since the earthquake??

That was no joke either, it measured 6.8 on the Richter Scale and caused the cottage to move 3 feet from where it was.

But I’ll come back to that later on…………

I was home for Christmas - Yippeeeee……….

The season of major commercialism, major hassle, major spending and minor relaxation.

You know, I relaxed once, it was of course years ago although I still remember it like it was….years ago!!

I’ve never had that feeling since. I think back and to the best of my ability believe it was, well, quite relaxing. But that was then and this is now and I have a question?

Can someone tell me the answer to this: a second, a minute, an hour and so on are all based on the basis that neither one moves +/- what I mean is that a second is a second isn’t it, and an hour is an hour. Well my question is this? Who stole 2012?

Where did it all go? Time remained exact but the year went so fast. How come?

I was discussing this quandary with The Dearest One during a session of walking between the raindrops – that soaked us both!! When she stopped, leant against a lamp post and fell asleep. I carried on walking and by now, talking to myself – and only stopped when someone asked me who I was talking to.

“The White Rabbit of course” I replied
“No just joking, I was talking to my dog, JJ”

“But you don’t have a dog with you” came the reply

“Oh Poo, I’ve left him on the beach again” I said to my worried looking pedestrian

“That’s cruel and I’m going to report you to the PRSCA because they spend loads on taking stupid cases like yours to court and for nothing in return”

“Oh Goodie” I said

“I might get put in an institution where they discuss mole wars”

My worried looking pedestrian said something quite ghastly to me and strolled off

Meanwhile The Dearest One had come round and had soon caught up with me.

“Who was that”? She enquired

“I don’t know but they weren’t happy with me because I told them I had left JJ on the beach”

“But we’re out Christmas shopping and the dogs are at home”

“Yes I know, but I was talking to myself and they thought they were helping me”

The Dearest One sighed “If they only knew” she said “You’re beyond help”

We pottered around, took lunch in a splendid little café and sauntered off back to the car. OK, OK she sauntered off and I followed as best I could carrying 23 bags of god knows what.

My wallet went on strike

My bank cards faded with overuse

My cash went like confetti and and and I quote:

“WE”RE out Christmas shopping………..”

WE – who the hell is WE?

I asked the one who spent nearly all day going “OOHhhh, look at that and excellent pricing”
or I got “That’s good value for money” and the classic “Buy 8 and get the next 5 free”

Then came the classic Christmas lists……..Kids (what bloody kids they’re all over 21) physically. Mentally about 21 months

Then there were those two loonies in the cottage next door

Then HER friend’s gifts

And of course there were presents to get for all the dogs

I was waiting for her to say – let’s get the moles some of those toy JCBs

“ME ME ME – what about ME and my gift”??

“Sorry, just remind me again, who you are”??

“Good point” I replied


“My Dad wants a chain saw” she said

“And Mom wants a pair of trousers”

“Bloody hell – do Marks and Spencer’s sell chain saws now” I replied

I couldn’t defend myself with having all those bags around me, I looked like a plastic bag tree. But nevertheless she found a gap and the slap caught my inner ankle. Damn

We got the lot!!!! Except one item??

The chain saw was left for me to buy!!!!! (Oh No)

With a little help from my nearest and dearest and her mother!!!!! (AAAArrrgggghhhh) we ended up at a chain saw shop – as you do (well it is Christmas after all)

We know the people who own the shop and all my kit goes to them for servicing and of course they sell a range of chain saws bespoke to need – and they’re used to dealing with me!!!

Now The Dearest One’s Dad is more mature than me – he’s about 115 I think, but in the cottage they have a log burner and every year I cut logs for OUR log burner.

By the time winter comes round there are about 3 logs left in the wood shed because the old boy from next door scuttles down and secretly takes them………little by little

So obviously when ‘Dad’ was to get a chain saw I leapt at the opportunity to make sure he got one. Then I could scuttle up to their wood shed and little by little take theirs.

After much dithering we bought one. An ‘Easy start’ version which was prepared for us and wrapped up in……its box!!

My role in all of this apart from my experience of using them over a long time was to ‘Train’ the mole murderer to use the thing.

We bought all the safety gear and just before we left I noticed a rather splendid ‘toy’ version of the actual model we had bought. It was battery powered and presented me with various options as to how to present it.

I bought it

Yea this is great but what about the dogs?? I hear you ask!

This is the Bankers notes and it’s supposed to have something to do with a dog or two.

I will come to that bit – be patient

You may remember that The Dearest One was in the kitchen making teas and coffees for all those nice pointy headed scientists we had encamped around the house?

Shortly before they arrived ‘Dad’ had received further advice from his lunatic friend about another method of ridding his lawn of moles!!! (Here we go again)

They had recently been released on parole from their institution where they both agreed to continue to take their pills and not venture to far away from their respective homes. It was a temporary arrangement in order to give the staff a break from listening to their endless stories from Midsummer Mole Murders and of course so they could have Christmas at home.

The following is absolutely true

The Dearest One’s Dad believes everything his mate tells him…….if the moles could be removed via a nuclear strike then so be it. “let’s go to DEFCON 3”………”give me the firing sequence codes Colonel”

Or if it required investing in a motion sensor complete with a laser targeting machine gun then that too would be invested in

But those moles had to be eliminated

But as it was the solution was so much more cost effective, it was simple to arrange and do and of course that would be the end of the mole saga once and for all!!!

Solution: Go to local petrol station, fill petrol container with petrol, pay for said goods and drive home.

Next: Pour a SMALL amount of petrol down ONE of the mole holes

DO NOT: Pour a large amount down several mole holes!!!!!!

And yes, you’re ahead of me here……………

Action: Light Blue touch paper and retire to a safe distance!!!! (If we had known we would have driven to Scotland)

And so ‘HE’ lit the blue touch paper and didn’t quite retire to a safe distance!!

There was a significant explosion

Their garden shed is now mine

Their rock garden is a pebble path

Their flowers look lovely outside our gate

Their hedge now resembles a skinhead conference

The mother in law recovered well after defibrillation

There were 3 kilos of poo to clear up in the conservatory and kitchen and then another 7 kilos the dogs had done!!!

Our pet parrot lost all its feathers

‘HE’ was lucky?? Had a safe landing on one of the sun loungers that was outside the FRONT of the cottage

As for the cottage? Well, we’ve applied to the local council for its new address because its post code has changed!!!

A couple of days later – the scientists arrived measuring all sorts of things with weird looking dials.

And within hours ‘HE’ was back behind the safety of the institution

Since then we’ve rebuilt our lives, invoiced next door for all the teas and coffees we’d provided to the pointy headed ones and I’ve put a ‘Hit’ notice out for his mate with a significant reward
(We know where you are you lunatic)

And as for the moles??

The Viz found them and they are back in the cottage garden (read small field of conflict complete with craters)

And in a nutshell (not a bombshell) this is where the idea of the chain saw came from. Take his mind off the moles!! (Assumption: that he still had a mind)

And so Christmas came round………

We were up early and opened our prezzies and there was so much joy after all the trauma!! We were happy, the dogs were – still dazed – but happy and so much happiness was in the air it was intoxicating!! Ish

We went up to the cottage to wish The Dearest One’s parents the best of season’s greetings and of course to make sure ‘HE’ was still strapped in his chair – he was

We exchanged gifts and it came to ‘His’ gift……..we had wrapped the toy chain saw up complete with all the safety equipment.

We unstrapped him from his chair and allowed him to open his gifts. Oh you should have seen his little psychotic face, lovely in a mole psychopath kind of way. Bless him……….

He was thrilled to bits with his toy chain saw, the batteries were put in, he dressed up in his favourite safety gear and I even provided a little log for him to play with and practice on.

Unfortunately I underestimated his enthusiasm and the little log was sliced and diced along with the coffee table underneath – I hadn’t allowed for that. But what the hell……it was Christmas and the coffee table was a wooden one anyway and should burn ok

For a few joyous moments it took his mind off the moles

And so did the real thing……….in reality of course he was utterly confused with his Christmas present of a toy chain saw. He never realised that the real thing was in the kitchen waiting for him.

We all went up to the kitchen and presented ‘Him’ with his new super toy – an easy start deforestation machine. Substitute mole eradication for forest eradication – I hadn’t thought of that either and surely our woods were now under threat!!

The following day I had pre prepared some old limbs (the limbs from a tree that is) from a summer cutting for him to learn his trade with. They were quite large and after a couple of hours of genuine and serious training he got the hang of it.

I went and fetched the wheelbarrow so we could collect the logs and take them back to the cottage ……………but then I had NOT accounted for what followed!!!!!!

OUR HERO FROM MIDSUMMER MOLE MURDERS WORKS HIS PAROLE PERIOD OFF AS A LUMBERJACK……………or Colin or Dave or John or whatever name he goes by nowadays – or is it Maurice!!!!!!!!

Duncan and Claude were out with us

To be fair, said Father in law had cut a fair few logs and it would need a couple of barrow full’s to clear the site

But it baffled me why there was so few!!!


“Come back here with that you shaggy coated moron”

It took me ages to collect them all, they were everywhere and even that night when I took the dogs out for their last P & P I was still finding them – in torchlight!!!

Claude the idiot had of course copied him and thought it was a great game – Sacre bleu……..

The next morning JJ brought me 3 back and I hadn’t thrown one!!! He was well pleased with himself

(See, there is a doggy bit in this)!!!

“What log? Who me? no mate, you got the wrong dog” “Try Uknowhoo”!!!

One was in the pond…… Claude was out it was inevitable what would happen, and it did and that was my fault……..according to ‘HER’

I had to dry him off and take the retrieved log to the cottage……not fair……..wasn’t my fault

And so for Christmas dinner we went out for the first time ever. We went with the two lunatics next door. We went to a reasonable eatery with a nice view of a lake and the old boy actually behaved himself and despite his obvious yearning to ‘trim’ the bushes outside in the beer garden with his new toy I think in his own sweet way he enjoyed himself. I know Mother in law did as she had a wine or two and relaxed in style. She was very good this year and didn’t dribble anything down her bib……and come to think of it neither did he.

The Dearest One was the epitome of socialising in a public environment and I noted a couple of times she took to laughing with us, a sort of enjoyment moment.

And they all lived happily ever after…………

The End


And yes you’ve guessed it – this is after all the house on the hill and all its contents, and nothing is ever as it seems………..

A few days after Christmas a Tractor and Trailer (from next doors farm) pulled up outside the cottage. We of course know them well………

But let’s go back a bit shall we

We have a single track bridle path up to our house and along the way you drive/walk through our woods. Woods have trees in them and those trees are made of wood…and they grow. And I’m going to an institution for those suffering from the obvious!!

But last year some of those trees had overgrown onto the bridle path and the two boys from the farm next door asked us if they could cut them down and clear the bridle path – for all the right reasons I hasten to add. We agreed and forgot all about it………….

Enter the tractor and trailer??

The two boys with nothing else to do went back into our woods and proceeded to cut those trees into logs!! They loaded the trailer and bought the lot to the cottage.

New Chain saw was now a redundant new chain saw

The odd couple took some logs, we had some logs and we agreed of course that the rest, the farm house could have

And all ended happily ever after……….??

With no chain saw to use and with all that wasted time and energy – what would or could ‘he’ possibly do to pass the time??

Phone his ‘mate’ of course and get the latest on mole hunting techniques, tactics and destruction

I am delighted to report that he is of course back where he belongs with his mate and they are doing well so I’m told.

We managed to delay the installation of anti mole personnel mines in the reformed cottage garden and I’m also delighted to report that the ‘garden’ is slowly recovering from the last blast!!

And for now that really is………..THE END

Take care out there and be careful where you tread…………….too late



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