How on earth we’ve moved from Spinoni
to moles is quite beyond me if I’m honest. But it
has and under the circumstances it is little wonder?
couple of months ago in The Bankers Notes – ‘Minor
Alterations and Major Interference’ you may recall,
that rather odd story of The Dearest One’s father
developing an obsession with the moles that were blighting
his beloved lawn. You may remember that a ‘mate’
of his made several suggestions as to how to get rid of
Place children’s windmills in the lawn because the
vibration from them spinning in the wind kept the moles
Put firelighters down the holes and waft the smoke down
Shoot the Viz because he was the cause of all this with
his incessant digging
Shoot the mate of the Dearest Ones father (my idea)
of this has worked, which pleased the Viz!!
The Dearest One’s Father and his mate have been
time served in an institution for those suffering from
Post Traumatic Mole Disorder (PTMD)
the confines of this wonderful institution they shared
not just stories of bravery against the moles but also
pills that gave them hallucinations. Visitors to them
both were scarce and those that ventured forth into the
inner sanctum of their happy home have remained there
ever since having mistook the grapes for the pills –
even though the pills were yellow and purple.
back at the cottage where nothing had changed because
the moles had returned and set up camp. This little cottage
garden is fenced off so the Spins can’t get in,
and when they do, they can’t get back out –
and now I’m booked into the same institution.
where’s The Dearest One??
Out with the dogs
Training Claude to shoot – he is a gun dog after
Claude’s training her – she picks up better
but is hopeless at sniffing the ground
They’re all out looking for the Viz!!
E) She’s gone to visit the 2 loonies
They let the loonies out and she’s took the dogs
Making a cup of tea, and one for me (no, forget that one)
it never happens and I might just as well have a kettle
as an extension to my right arm and a bucket on my left
She’s training the Spins to get into the cottage
garden – and poo
They’ve been in the cottage garden – had a
poo, and she’s picking it up
Or is she organising a Rugby Sevens Five a Side Premiership
League with the Kennel Club
yes you’ve guessed right – it’s none
of the above
is in fact making tea for all the Geologists, Oceanographers
and Scientists that have suddenly descended in and around
our house ever since the earthquake??
was no joke either, it measured 6.8 on the Richter Scale
and caused the cottage to move 3 feet from where it was.
I’ll come back to that later on…………
was home for Christmas - Yippeeeee……….
season of major commercialism, major hassle, major spending
and minor relaxation.
know, I relaxed once, it was of course years ago although
I still remember it like it was….years ago!!
never had that feeling since. I think back and to the
best of my ability believe it was, well, quite relaxing.
But that was then and this is now and I have a question?
someone tell me the answer to this: a second, a minute,
an hour and so on are all based on the basis that neither
one moves +/- what I mean is that a second is a second
isn’t it, and an hour is an hour. Well my question
is this? Who stole 2012?
did it all go? Time remained exact but the year went so
fast. How come?
was discussing this quandary with The Dearest One during
a session of walking between the raindrops – that
soaked us both!! When she stopped, leant against a lamp
post and fell asleep. I carried on walking and by now,
talking to myself – and only stopped when someone
asked me who I was talking to.
White Rabbit of course” I replied
“No just joking, I was talking to my dog, JJ”
you don’t have a dog with you” came the reply
Poo, I’ve left him on the beach again” I said
to my worried looking pedestrian
cruel and I’m going to report you to the PRSCA because
they spend loads on taking stupid cases like yours to
court and for nothing in return”
Goodie” I said
might get put in an institution where they discuss mole
worried looking pedestrian said something quite ghastly
to me and strolled off
The Dearest One had come round and had soon caught up
was that”? She enquired
don’t know but they weren’t happy with me
because I told them I had left JJ on the beach”
we’re out Christmas shopping and the dogs are at
I know, but I was talking to myself and they thought they
were helping me”
Dearest One sighed “If they only knew” she
said “You’re beyond help”
pottered around, took lunch in a splendid little café
and sauntered off back to the car. OK, OK she sauntered
off and I followed as best I could carrying 23 bags of
god knows what.
wallet went on strike
bank cards faded with overuse
cash went like confetti and and and I quote:
out Christmas shopping………..”
– who the hell is WE?
asked the one who spent nearly all day going “OOHhhh,
look at that and excellent pricing”
or I got “That’s good value for money”
and the classic “Buy 8 and get the next 5 free”
came the classic Christmas lists……..Kids (what
bloody kids they’re all over 21) physically. Mentally
about 21 months
there were those two loonies in the cottage next door
HER friend’s gifts
of course there were presents to get for all the dogs
was waiting for her to say – let’s get the
moles some of those toy JCBs
ME ME – what about ME and my gift”??
just remind me again, who you are”??
point” I replied
am THE ABUSED BANK OF YOU”
Dad wants a chain saw” she said
Mom wants a pair of trousers”
hell – do Marks and Spencer’s sell chain saws
now” I replied
couldn’t defend myself with having all those bags
around me, I looked like a plastic bag tree. But nevertheless
she found a gap and the slap caught my inner ankle. Damn
got the lot!!!! Except one item??
chain saw was left for me to buy!!!!! (Oh No)
a little help from my nearest and dearest and her mother!!!!!
(AAAArrrgggghhhh) we ended up at a chain saw shop –
as you do (well it is Christmas after all)
know the people who own the shop and all my kit goes to
them for servicing and of course they sell a range of
chain saws bespoke to need – and they’re used
to dealing with me!!!
The Dearest One’s Dad is more mature than me –
he’s about 115 I think, but in the cottage they
have a log burner and every year I cut logs for OUR log
the time winter comes round there are about 3 logs left
in the wood shed because the old boy from next door scuttles
down and secretly takes them………little
obviously when ‘Dad’ was to get a chain saw
I leapt at the opportunity to make sure he got one. Then
I could scuttle up to their wood shed and little by little
much dithering we bought one. An ‘Easy start’
version which was prepared for us and wrapped up in……its
role in all of this apart from my experience of using
them over a long time was to ‘Train’ the mole
murderer to use the thing.
bought all the safety gear and just before we left I noticed
a rather splendid ‘toy’ version of the actual
model we had bought. It was battery powered and presented
me with various options as to how to present it.
this is great but what about the dogs?? I hear you ask!
is the Bankers notes and it’s supposed to have something
to do with a dog or two.
will come to that bit – be patient
may remember that The Dearest One was in the kitchen making
teas and coffees for all those nice pointy headed scientists
we had encamped around the house?
before they arrived ‘Dad’ had received further
advice from his lunatic friend about another method of
ridding his lawn of moles!!! (Here we go again)
had recently been released on parole from their institution
where they both agreed to continue to take their pills
and not venture to far away from their respective homes.
It was a temporary arrangement in order to give the staff
a break from listening to their endless stories from Midsummer
Mole Murders and of course so they could have Christmas
following is absolutely true
Dearest One’s Dad believes everything his mate tells
him…….if the moles could be removed via a
nuclear strike then so be it. “let’s go to
DEFCON 3”………”give me the
firing sequence codes Colonel”
if it required investing in a motion sensor complete with
a laser targeting machine gun then that too would be invested
those moles had to be eliminated
as it was the solution was so much more cost effective,
it was simple to arrange and do and of course that would
be the end of the mole saga once and for all!!!
Go to local petrol station, fill petrol container with
petrol, pay for said goods and drive home.
Pour a SMALL amount of petrol down ONE of the mole holes
NOT: Pour a large amount down several mole holes!!!!!!
yes, you’re ahead of me here……………
Light Blue touch paper and retire to a safe distance!!!!
(If we had known we would have driven to Scotland)
so ‘HE’ lit the blue touch paper and didn’t
quite retire to a safe distance!!
was a significant explosion
garden shed is now mine
rock garden is a pebble path
flowers look lovely outside our gate
hedge now resembles a skinhead conference
mother in law recovered well after defibrillation
were 3 kilos of poo to clear up in the conservatory and
kitchen and then another 7 kilos the dogs had done!!!
pet parrot lost all its feathers
was lucky?? Had a safe landing on one of the sun loungers
that was outside the FRONT of the cottage
for the cottage? Well, we’ve applied to the local
council for its new address because its post code has
couple of days later – the scientists arrived measuring
all sorts of things with weird looking dials.
within hours ‘HE’ was back behind the safety
of the institution
then we’ve rebuilt our lives, invoiced next door
for all the teas and coffees we’d provided to the
pointy headed ones and I’ve put a ‘Hit’
notice out for his mate with a significant reward
(We know where you are you lunatic)
as for the moles??
Viz found them and they are back in the cottage garden
(read small field of conflict complete with craters)
in a nutshell (not a bombshell) this is where the idea
of the chain saw came from. Take his mind off the moles!!
(Assumption: that he still had a mind)
so Christmas came round………
were up early and opened our prezzies and there was so
much joy after all the trauma!! We were happy, the dogs
were – still dazed – but happy and so much
happiness was in the air it was intoxicating!! Ish
went up to the cottage to wish The Dearest One’s
parents the best of season’s greetings and of course
to make sure ‘HE’ was still strapped in his
chair – he was
exchanged gifts and it came to ‘His’ gift……..we
had wrapped the toy chain saw up complete with all the
unstrapped him from his chair and allowed him to open
his gifts. Oh you should have seen his little psychotic
face, lovely in a mole psychopath kind of way. Bless him……….
was thrilled to bits with his toy chain saw, the batteries
were put in, he dressed up in his favourite safety gear
and I even provided a little log for him to play with
and practice on.
I underestimated his enthusiasm and the little log was
sliced and diced along with the coffee table underneath
– I hadn’t allowed for that. But what the
hell……it was Christmas and the coffee table
was a wooden one anyway and should burn ok
a few joyous moments it took his mind off the moles
so did the real thing……….in reality
of course he was utterly confused with his Christmas present
of a toy chain saw. He never realised that the real thing
was in the kitchen waiting for him.
all went up to the kitchen and presented ‘Him’
with his new super toy – an easy start deforestation
machine. Substitute mole eradication for forest eradication
– I hadn’t thought of that either and surely
our woods were now under threat!!
following day I had pre prepared some old limbs (the limbs
from a tree that is) from a summer cutting for him to
learn his trade with. They were quite large and after
a couple of hours of genuine and serious training he got
the hang of it.
went and fetched the wheelbarrow so we could collect the
logs and take them back to the cottage ……………but
then I had NOT accounted for what followed!!!!!!
HERO FROM MIDSUMMER MOLE MURDERS WORKS HIS PAROLE PERIOD
OFF AS A LUMBERJACK……………or
Colin or Dave or John or whatever name he goes by nowadays
– or is it Maurice!!!!!!!!
and Claude were out with us
be fair, said Father in law had cut a fair few logs and
it would need a couple of barrow full’s to clear
it baffled me why there was so few!!!
back here with that you shaggy coated moron”
took me ages to collect them all, they were everywhere
and even that night when I took the dogs out for their
last P & P I was still finding them – in torchlight!!!
the idiot had of course copied him and thought it was
a great game – Sacre bleu……..
next morning JJ brought me 3 back and I hadn’t thrown
one!!! He was well pleased with himself
there is a doggy bit in this)!!!
log? Who me? no mate, you got the wrong dog” “Try
was in the pond……..as Claude was out it was
inevitable what would happen, and it did and that was
my fault……..according to ‘HER’
had to dry him off and take the retrieved log to the cottage……not
fair……..wasn’t my fault
so for Christmas dinner we went out for the first time
ever. We went with the two lunatics next door. We went
to a reasonable eatery with a nice view of a lake and
the old boy actually behaved himself and despite his obvious
yearning to ‘trim’ the bushes outside in the
beer garden with his new toy I think in his own sweet
way he enjoyed himself. I know Mother in law did as she
had a wine or two and relaxed in style. She was very good
this year and didn’t dribble anything down her bib……and
come to think of it neither did he.
Dearest One was the epitome of socialising in a public
environment and I noted a couple of times she took to
laughing with us, a sort of enjoyment moment.
they all lived happily ever after…………
yes you’ve guessed it – this is after all
the house on the hill and all its contents, and nothing
is ever as it seems………..
few days after Christmas a Tractor and Trailer (from next
doors farm) pulled up outside the cottage. We of course
know them well………
let’s go back a bit shall we
have a single track bridle path up to our house and along
the way you drive/walk through our woods. Woods have trees
in them and those trees are made of wood…and they
grow. And I’m going to an institution for those
suffering from the obvious!!
last year some of those trees had overgrown onto the bridle
path and the two boys from the farm next door asked us
if they could cut them down and clear the bridle path
– for all the right reasons I hasten to add. We
agreed and forgot all about it………….
the tractor and trailer??
two boys with nothing else to do went back into our woods
and proceeded to cut those trees into logs!! They loaded
the trailer and bought the lot to the cottage.
Chain saw was now a redundant new chain saw
odd couple took some logs, we had some logs and we agreed
of course that the rest, the farm house could have
all ended happily ever after……….??
no chain saw to use and with all that wasted time and
energy – what would or could ‘he’ possibly
do to pass the time??
his ‘mate’ of course and get the latest on
mole hunting techniques, tactics and destruction
am delighted to report that he is of course back where
he belongs with his mate and they are doing well so I’m
managed to delay the installation of anti mole personnel
mines in the reformed cottage garden and I’m also
delighted to report that the ‘garden’ is slowly
recovering from the last blast!!
for now that really is………..THE END
care out there and be careful where you tread…………….too