Yeah so it’s rained a little bit!!!

A few drops here and there and some small lakes appearing around the country along with refreshed rivers (and some new one’s)!! and where are the Insurance companies?

Yep – you got it. Ran off to the high ground!! Typical……….

A snow flake appeared in London and Heathrow was closed, they cancelled dozens of flights. Thousands didn’t even try to get to work, and the Fog? Well, that didn’t help did it?
I loved a comment from a “Spokesperson” at Heathrow during the Fog interlude when ‘it’ was quoted as saying “It’s better to cancel flights and allow bigger gaps for landing aircraft as they need more time between them to clear the runway”??

When you’re sat in 34C and even the cabin crew is nowhere to be seen that’s very reassuring –NOT

So the rains went away and for a while the big yellow blobby thing appeared in the sky and all was well. It gave the ground a chance to er……………recover

Did you notice the rather excellent comments from the water companies??

“It won’t make much difference to the drinking water supplies”? and “Some reservoirs will need many more weeks of this weather to recover their capacities”?

Tell that to the flood victims

The peach of them all? “The rivers were bound to burst their banks because the rains were centered on the high ground that feeds them”?

And these people actually collect a salary every month

And then where did these brilliant individuals go?

Yep – you got it – to join the insurance companies on the high ground

Then, Shock, Horror?

The temperatures dropped. A mini freeze hit the house on the hill (not just us of course – that would be unfair)………as The Dearest One said to me one morning “It was minus a temperature last night and it’s very frosty this morning”

“The ground will be very hard, no more mud and gunge for a few days………….”

“With haste, fetch logs and firelighters and matches and materials for warming”

She sounded like some demented “Spokesperson”

Then came this little gem………

“It’s the season of Rugby tournaments and I have decided to organise such an event for the dogs”!!!!

“YOU’VE WHAT”? I calmly asked

“Yes, I’ve organised an International Canine Rugby Sevens five a side”

ME - with jaw down by my knees………????????????

“FRANCE versus ITALY”

“But we only have ONE French Dog and Seven Italians”

“Ah yes, I’ve thought about that”

“The Springer will play for France”

“But he’s English” “And that’s still only two of them against seven”

“And who’s going to referee this event”?

“The Viz”!!!!!

“But he’s Hungarian and they don’t even know what Rugby is”

“And how do we have a SEVEN’S Tournament five a side”?

“Shut up – you’re just complicating things with your stupid questions”

ME - ????????????????

“It’ll be fun” she said walking off………

It took me hours to reconcile this maze of female logic……..and I still failed

And so it began…………..

On a Frosty afternoon somewhere on a hill in Wales where it had stopped raining and from nowhere a big yellow blobby thing appeared in the sky and the ground was white with Frost because there was a night of minus temperatures and we are playing to a capacity crowd of 2 or 3 including the referee, was an International Canine Rugby Sevens Five a side tournament.

Oh such joy……..it bought a tear to my eye, or several actually – it was bloody cold!!!!


Then the referee appeared!!!!!

“Rugby, and just what the hell is Rugby”???
“And more to the point, why am I wearing this ridiculous outfit”?
“And I ate the whisssstle”

And then there wasn’t a referee………

“NO – ABSOLUTELY NOT”
“I’ve took it off, chewed it up and binned it”
“And and and, I’ve no idea what this is all about”
“You referee it, I’m freezing my bits off and I’m going back into the warm”
“You’re all idiots”
“And why do I keep whistling when I talk”?

With no referee this changed things slightly!!!

“I will referee it” said The Dearest One!!!!!!!!!!

“BUT – but, you don’t know anything about Rugby except it’s a game played by men with odd shaped balls”

Yeah I know………it’s played by women as well, but let’s not push it eh!!!

And so there we were dear reader(s)?

I was nominated sponge man and magic spray merchant and The Dearest One would referee this canine tournament………

Just one thing remained??

“You will explain the rules of the game to ALL the dogs except the Hungarian wimp who’s back inside in the warm”

“And until the whistle goes through him, just ignore the whistling – it’s him barking”!!!!

The Two Captains led their teams onto the pitch……………..

Representing France……Fearsome and then some Claude Barbet

Representing Italy………JJ ‘The Don’ Spinone

I tried (not very hard) to explain the rules of the game to them all. But it got lost in translation somewhere down the line!!!

Then all hell broke loose…….within seconds there were no teams and it turned it into a free for all – the referee screamed at me for more tea………

There was whistling coming from the house!!!!

I sprayed myself to ease the pain and sat on the sponge for warmth……..

The Canine Rugby tournament was in full play and for your entertainment and with full commentary here are the highlights of the match………

By the way?

If you miss this you can catch it again on Match of The Day, BBC Sports 4 hosted by Harry Houndaker and Hansen Terry-er

FOR THE GAMES HIGHLIGHTS, IT’S OVER TO OUR COMMENTATOR
SPONGE BOB SPRAY PANTS

“Thank you Harry and welcome everyone to today’s Canine Rugby International Sevens five side anything goes by anyone match”

The teams are all on the pitch and the referee has blown her whistle and we’re off………

The Italians take early possession but The French Captain is leading by example going in for the tackle


But a brilliant interception by Freya stops a potential scoring move

I have no idea where the ball is and I’m not sure I care either because it’s obvious they’ve lost it in the ensuing scrum……….


“Well, who does have it then”?

JJ makes the break with a cunning move that deceives them all except Claude who is quickest to respond and chases him down

Spectacular shot of Claude with a flying tackle – made even more spectacular by the fact the Springer took the ball ages ago!!!! You can see Claude looking over at the Springer……….and thinking “Don’t care, I’m French and look spectacular”!!!!!


The Springer sees his chance to grab the ball from Freya who’s dropped it………

“Oh god this is so exciting and so cold, I need the toilet…….when’s half time”?

The referee looks at her watch and signals for a cup of tea……we’re into added time here in the first half at the House on the Hill Stadium of chaos


That Springer playing in the prop forward backward dead centre position on the left was so quick and heads for the try line to score. This was so unexpected – Gosh

One giant leap for canine kind and the Springer scores the first try of the game……oh I’ve just got to see him kick for the extra points!!!!!!!


The Springer runs clear and celebrates his try as the others can only look on and wish……for what I don’t know but that was a blow to the French and the Italians and neither saw it coming – superb finish from the English Springer

And at half time it’s England 5, France 0 and Italy 0……..and over to you Harry back in the studio

“Well that has certainly set up something to look forward to in the second half and a great try from the English Springer”

“Deserved that, quick thinking a great run down the middle”

“Cup of tea now I think”…………..

Meanwhile back in the changing rooms where the teams are enjoying their half time team talk and Orange slices………the trainer – Oh, and that’s naughty I notice the referee is in their as well and handing out the team talk and the Orange slices, now that is unconventional to say the least.

But having said that, this is a dysfunctional family anyway so nothing should surprise us, but we’ll have to check the rule book to see if this legal. And of course it isn’t – but who cares!!!


“And Claude I want you out on the left wing and try and make it look like you know what you’re doing, if you could have left Freya alone for a second The Springer might not have Sprung”!!

“And mind my fingers will you……..”

“Steady, steady I’ve only got……er, four fingers left now”

Go away…….it’s half time and I need a P & P – Oh God, that’s better - oh go away will you


Sorry about that, couldn’t really get into that first half – a little too energetic for me……..

The Second half………Oh God help us

The teams (if you can call them that) are back out on the pitch

And the referee blows her whistle for the start of the second half and we’re immediately into the action, tails up and if I’m not mistaken that idiot is heading in the wrong direction!!!

Oh and a clever decoy move there and surely this must be a try early in the second half, quite a brilliant move………


Oh no wait a minute…….what a sensational tackle by Freya and surely my dog of the match if she keeps this up

Deserves this does Freya and she clears the ball and makes a break for the try line and she scores….brilliant move, she was never going to be caught

So the score goes to England 5, France 0 and Italy 5

Now there’s chaos over in the far corner to our right as the ball goes out of play and despite some late tackling and general interference with play it looks like the ball is nowhere to be seen and this would be a tragic end to a great match played here today in front of no crowd at all except the referee and Sponge Man Spray Numb

It was then I heard the referee issue orders……

“Dogs off the pitch and will the idiot wearing the sponge and drinking from the spray can please go and find the ball”

And so off I strode with some helpers to go and find the ball!!

Alrighty then, I think it went under here, might be a bit further back though”

“Hang on I’ll just move back and have a look”


“What’s that?”

“Is that a mole hill or the start of a man sized mole trap to fall into?”

“Let me see……….AAAArrrrggggghhhhhhhhh………”

Oh Dear Oh Dear Oh Dear………..it does appear that both the ball and the Sponge Man Spray Numb have disappeared bringing the game to an abrupt and rather sad finish.

And from all of us in the studio it’s Goodbye from the Stadium of stupidity somewhere in deepest Wales.

Will be back soon I hope!!!!!

Take care out there and be careful who you play ball games with……….


 


 

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