band, terrific songs and the timeless ‘Breakfast
in America’ album has absolutely nothing to do with
this little session of The Bankers Notes, and neither
does Star Trek!!!
Dearest One’s words to me one morning and from that
lead in, I swiftly burst into song………’it’s
raining again, oh no my love’s at an end’…..etc
it was too!!
up with that infernal racket and take the dogs out will
you” so off I trotted outside in all my wet resistant
finery and now suffering from LSS???
know the thing? A song pops into your head and you’re
stuck with it until the next one comes along and mine
was this Supertramp classic
dogs piled out and meandered about all over the place
strutting their stuff and doing their thing – or
then I found him sat by the fence looking to the top of
the field which is owned and run by our horse. Now our
horse doesn’t like trespassers and especially four
legged ones who on the odd occasion swallow a brave pill
and wander up to see where she is.
later they come back down travelling at light speed –
warp factor 5 - ‘But Captain, I’m giving her
all she’s got, at this rate we will burn out all
our dilithium crystals’ (Scotty to Kirk) Star Trek
JJ looked onwards and upwards and I pondered for a moment
what he was thinking, or had sensed or even seen. I had
no idea of course, but over the next few days his secret
became all too clear. But that’s for later!!
back up at the cottage, you remember the cottage don’t
This is the place that houses and is home to that rather
odd man who is obsessed with moles or more precisely ridding
his lawn of them.
Dearest One’s Father, he shares his life between
men in white coats and the cottage.
you’ve been following the ongoing saga of this lunatic
and his mate who supplies all the ridiculous ideas to
him for getting rid of the moles that blight his lawn
then you won’t be surprised that so far (fatal statement)
so far, all is calm
But you can’t just be like that for no reason at
all, can you?
I originally thought it was age (he’s 115)
I thought it was drug induced (LSD)
then started to blame his mate
then occurred to me that it might be his wife (She still
lives in the 1850s)
don’t care too much for the internal combustion
engine fandangled thing, give me the horse and cart any
day” “And you can’t grow roses from
the waste of an internal combustion engine can you”?
we can’t grow roses anyway, it s those moles you
you won’t be surprised to know that I reckon I now
know why he is as he is??
that’s for later!!!
called JJ back down to me and like the trusty loyal one
man and his dog that he is, he completely ignored me.
Coz he can!!
bloody well does
is of course until I throw something – not at him,
but for him to fetch. He can’t resist.
he came for some retrieving. Duncan joined in, so did
Viz of course was digging – we’ve given up
with him and left him to dig holes and trenches that fill
with water nowadays for us to trip into and get soaked.
he dug a hole a few weeks back that was huge and it filled
with water – ‘it’s raining again’
- and I am positive it has something to do with the moles
because I saw one in that hole with an aqualung and flippers
– no I did, honestly
Me thinks they have an SBS version in the mole military
and it’s a cunning plan against ‘him’
in the cottage. Big hole, filled with water and entice
‘him’ close to it and ‘WHAM’ –
big splash and he’s dragged down into their HQ for
interrogation – and now I’m on LSD
you said they were paracetamol”
joyfully ran about with the dogs and eventually I heard
that now famous tone??
got the dogs food ready and you can come in now”!!
got back to the kitchen and stupidly said “That’s
bad English you know” “because anyone listening
would think I was also going to get a bowl of dog food”
just who the hell is going to be listening”? She
around you, the nearest carbon life form apart from murky
and lurky in the cottage are miles away from us”
anyway they need to be miles away from us as no one understands
YOU, they just think you’re completely away with
the stars most the time” “Another planet reserved
just for you to be on” “And let’s be
honest, you are most of the time”
Captain” I said
“There’s Klingons on the starboard bow”
“Set Phasers to stun”
exactly my point” She said
not travelling at warp anything – you’re just
warped” “Or your mind is”
She sighed and then fed the dogs
did NOT feed me
I got the greatest of pleasures and had to prepare tea
and toast for the Captain. “I’ve not seen
a species like this before” “Its communication
system is primitive”
this hour of breakfast bliss (but not in America) I was
allowed to have the marmalade on my toast.
thoughtful of her I said to myself
what are we going to do today I asked” whilst savouring
my orange marmalade spread lovingly across my 5 slices
she said (Oh Oh – warning sign)
“Sound the General alarm, we’re about to come
to kill, we come in peace”
can go outside and potter about as you do” “But
be back for 1230hrs as we have been invited for lunch
up at the cottage”
what date would that be for”? I asked
an idiot” she replied with the venom of a venomous
and take the dogs out with you”
so I did
went into our wood and reviewed my sapling trees that
I have been planting whenever I cut a tree down. You see
when we first moved there the woodland was overgrown and
the trees had grown to such an extent that light couldn’t
get through and stifled further growth of any saplings
and as a result the wood was a mess.
in parts of the wood bluebells grow – oh yes and
they sure are a lovely sight when they’re out. But
I knew I could expand it and so planned a careful approach
to cutting and limbing the trees thus allowing both light
and shade, moisture and run off.
a big thanks to the forestry commission for their advice
and guidance. You’d be surprised??
They do more than you think and happy to help and advise.
so being the Lumberjack I am!! I set forth and continued
my program. My boys toys (The chain saw and brush cutter)
were duly set to work……. and the dogs??
love that wood.
fenced it off some years ago and it is ideal for them
and they happily spend all day in their doing their thing.
only fell over three times in the man traps the Viz had
dug, so not bad really.
for the dogs it must be great fun. They must feel like
I do in a Bike showroom!!!!
the wood is home to Wabbits and it has a fox run through
won’t go there will we………don’t
want to be a naughty banker now do we!!!
down the lane we have a badger set as well although I’m
not telling anyone about that given the truly astonishing
parliamentary act to cull them. 90% of those idiots don’t
even know what the countryside is apart from it’s
got a lot of letters in its name!!
– that’s got as many letters in it as wheelbarrow”!!
let me see, Badger, ah yes I know…….isn’t
that when you annoy someone”?
go ahead……..kill them all”
you said, just remind me, what is it again”
of the century!!! (Supertramp)
Let us take a helicopter ride above all our MPs shall
we?? Hop in – let’s go for a ride
they go round the towns and villages and say YES to everything
the constituents want.
pleased and wasn’t he/she such a nice person, full
of honesty and integrity??
time comes and you vote for him/her
hey presto they are now an MP for the next four years
will surely stand by their words and get us what they
promised to us
MP we’ve just voted in sees it another way?
have just four years to worm their way into a medium or
big sized company as a ‘Director’ or an ‘Executive’
forget their roots – and so quickly – “Gosh
I’m so surprised, seemed such a nice person”
the next election four years later they try again and
fail to get a seat in the houses of parliament.
do they care?
course they don’t – They are now Directors
networking job completed they can live happily ever after
what about us”?? “Sorry, and you are…………..”
Er yes, where was I?
I know, I was in Speakers corner in our woods. Whoops
– forgive the little digression
the dogs!! With all those scents and smells it keeps them
amused all day and beyond.
Springer spends most of his time….well, Springing
if the undergrowth is deep just to see where I am or the
runs and hides in a game with the others. Then has to
give himself up because he’s lost!!!
Then our French hero comes over all tough hard and strong,
then out jumps Duncan from the undergrowth and Claude
the Chain Saw nor the Brush Cutter bother them, not the
noise or the tree falling on them. No – just joking
close a couple of times but not that close. They are not
stupid and sense impending doom!!
know what is amazing?
I hurt myself, or fall over or trip and fall into one
of the Viz’s holes he’s dug, they all come
to investigate and stay with me until they see I’m
it’s just to take the………..well,
you know – I’m never sure which it is
I’m up and about they’re gone.
I call one in to see where ‘I think’ it is
then I guarantee I get it wrong
I deliberately hide from them
within minutes I’m found
do not leave that wood unless I do. If I go missing they
instinctively search me out.
wonder if The Dearest One would do that?? (Wry smile)
so back to the plot
nearly 1230hrs – the witching hour for lunch up
at the cottage
call in the dogs
gather my things, and walk off out into the field and
back to the house
Boring……..I’m still being ignored
put my bits away in the workshop and go into the house
from out of nowhere
are the dogs”?
you do anything right, we’re going to be late”
“But it’s just lunch, not like I’m getting
an OBE is it”?
Dearest One puts on her boots…….nice one’s
as well, I bought them for her in a moment of weakness!!
gets 20 yards from the house – about 100 yards from
the edge of the woods and stops.
whistle in mouth she gives two sharp whistles”
She’s ignored (tee hee)
shouts for them to come in……….
She’s ignored (TEE HEE)
shouts again with venom
10 dogs burst out of the gate from the woods and charge
up to her.
follow her in to the house and settle down to treats
life forms are attracted only to the female of the species”
“Odd behavior in one’s so ancient”
so we amble off up to the cottage for lunch (Oh no)
off and we’re invited in – and something smells
cup of tea, and now” I dreamed
yes thank you I would love a cup of tea, that would be
delightful and how’s the mole hunting going”?
what a shame” I say
they are learning to swim and will eventually become aquatic
and can live in the pond”
you want to wear this cup of tea or drink it”?
let me think about that for a moment” “I’ve
chosen to drink it”
then, what’s for lunch”? The Dearest risked
that would be lovely” “Homemade is it”?
She said “I got them from Sinsburiecosons Supermarket,
4 for 99 pence”!!!
Dearest One went pale and was close to collapse.
wrong with that sounds like a bargain to me”
you seen the news?”
contain horse meat, the beef Lasagna is actually horse
I’m not eating it”
in law then came out with the peach of peaches and cream
but Colin lives on them, he loves them and has one a day”
had ham sandwiches instead, and Colin had 4 horse Lasagnas
it then” said the Mother in law
“This afternoon you will empty the freezer of ALL
frozen beef products from a supermarket and give it to
The Dearest One for the dogs”
smiled – sounded like our house!!!!!!
did the same thing that afternoon and cleared our freezer
as well. But to be honest we didn’t have a lot anyway
because we’re big fans of our local butchers and
he buys locally and we know most of the farmers that supply
him. But what we did have we put to one side for the dogs
night whilst we were enjoying shuffle the dog from the
couch game and trying to watch the idiot box the news
sat intently listening to all the government statements
that it wasn’t so bad after all and that they would
not be trying for a Directorship with any meat processing
what we did learn was that some of this horse meat had
indeed entered the food chain and that it contained a
course, accordingly the Government said NONE of it was
a threat to human health!! Oh really
government spokesperson was being interviewed and was
answering questions whilst flicking its head around to
stop the flies from landing on its head and its tail was
flicking around its back end doing the same thing –
after the interview was over we watched as the spokesperson
cantered over to Hyde Park to get back to chewing threw
it wasn’t hazardous to human health” Mmmmm
“Except one”!!! I thought to myself
imagination went into overdrive and I realised at that
moment that I had been wrong all along about the mole
hunter next door.
isn’t nuts after all?
eaten Lasagna every day for god knows how long and that
drug has indeed represented a clear and present danger
to his health……..or more over to the moles
If he could catch one!!!
that was it then. Case solved – and now for a Logical
is full of a horse drug that has clearly affected him
and he must (in his mind) stamp out the mole, trample
it down – or further down. He must rise up and conquer
this little furry intruder that has blighted his turf.
Now it’s all become clear
will, in the morning go to the vets and get the antidote
the least I can do
ventured forth and put my theory to The Dearest One
know” she said, “You’ve not had any
horse Lasagna, you’re not full of a horse drug either”
“But you sure are full of something else”!!!
(began with a ‘B’ but I didn’t quite
catch the name)!!
really aren’t sharing this planet with us are you”?
you go to the vet tomorrow morning and tell them about
your theory they will put you out of your misery, you
nuttier than he is next door”
shut up at this point and decided to calm things down
of tea dear”?
worked – as I knew it would
the next few days the dogs were on cloud nine –
food, food, glorious food and such a mix.
had it morning noon and night
morning I went out to see what was going on and where
the dogs all were. All was fine.
looked around for him and there he was, sat by the fence
looking up in the field.
that’s when it hit me?
now know why he has taken up that position?
was looking at our horse – and I could sense that
in his head he saw her layered with pasta slices, topped
with a sprinkling of cheese and with the sauce just gently
cooling down before he dived into the enormous feast that
was HIS Horse Lasagna
now had two problems?
Colin going cold turkey from his horse drug induced mole
2. JJ fantasizing about our horse in the field being his
next giant meal
had another issue as well – how to stop Colin eating
the grass!!Must be a side effect to coming off the horse
drug – we’ll see and I’ll let you know
for JJ……….well who knows.
he does get into that field and near the horse he’ll
need a pressure suit and oxygen for coming back down to
earth having been kicked into deep space
canine to beam aboard Captain” “Go ahead number
one and beam him up”
have two hopes on the horizon
garden is fenced so he can’t wander off to where
the grass is greener!! And JJ will eventually have to
get used to the fact that his horse Lasagna is short lived.
It ran out a few days ago – but he still sits by
the fence and dreams!!!!
for the Dearest One
course there’s nothing wrong with her – solid
as rock that one
if it ever comes on the news that tea is contaminated
– then God help us all
as for me??
I did go down to the vets…….but I’m
taking the long way home!! (Supertramp)
And that’s it for now
life Jim, but not as we know it”
like my planet, it’s a happy planet. And I hope
yours is too……..take care out there
apologies for the Star Trek quotes and references to Supertramp
songs and the slight political digression)
won’t happen again……honest………..ish