Brilliant band, terrific songs and the timeless ‘Breakfast in America’ album has absolutely nothing to do with this little session of The Bankers Notes, and neither does Star Trek!!!

Or does it?

“It’s raining again”

The Dearest One’s words to me one morning and from that lead in, I swiftly burst into song………’it’s raining again, oh no my love’s at an end’…..etc etc

And it was too!!

“Shut up with that infernal racket and take the dogs out will you” so off I trotted outside in all my wet resistant finery and now suffering from LSS???

Last Song Syndrome

You know the thing? A song pops into your head and you’re stuck with it until the next one comes along and mine was this Supertramp classic

The dogs piled out and meandered about all over the place strutting their stuff and doing their thing – or things

I lost JJ………

And then I found him sat by the fence looking to the top of the field which is owned and run by our horse. Now our horse doesn’t like trespassers and especially four legged ones who on the odd occasion swallow a brave pill and wander up to see where she is.

Seconds later they come back down travelling at light speed – warp factor 5 - ‘But Captain, I’m giving her all she’s got, at this rate we will burn out all our dilithium crystals’ (Scotty to Kirk) Star Trek

Don’t ask

Anyway, JJ looked onwards and upwards and I pondered for a moment what he was thinking, or had sensed or even seen. I had no idea of course, but over the next few days his secret became all too clear. But that’s for later!!

Meanwhile, back up at the cottage, you remember the cottage don’t you?
This is the place that houses and is home to that rather odd man who is obsessed with moles or more precisely ridding his lawn of them.

The Dearest One’s Father, he shares his life between men in white coats and the cottage.

If you’ve been following the ongoing saga of this lunatic and his mate who supplies all the ridiculous ideas to him for getting rid of the moles that blight his lawn then you won’t be surprised that so far (fatal statement) so far, all is calm

But you can’t just be like that for no reason at all, can you?

I originally thought it was age (he’s 115)

Then I thought it was drug induced (LSD)

I then started to blame his mate

It then occurred to me that it might be his wife (She still lives in the 1850s)

“I don’t care too much for the internal combustion engine fandangled thing, give me the horse and cart any day” “And you can’t grow roses from the waste of an internal combustion engine can you”?

“Well we can’t grow roses anyway, it s those moles you know”

So you won’t be surprised to know that I reckon I now know why he is as he is??

But that’s for later!!!

I called JJ back down to me and like the trusty loyal one man and his dog that he is, he completely ignored me. Coz he can!!

And bloody well does

That is of course until I throw something – not at him, but for him to fetch. He can’t resist.

And he didn’t

Down he came for some retrieving. Duncan joined in, so did the Springer

The Viz of course was digging – we’ve given up with him and left him to dig holes and trenches that fill with water nowadays for us to trip into and get soaked.

Actually he dug a hole a few weeks back that was huge and it filled with water – ‘it’s raining again’ - and I am positive it has something to do with the moles because I saw one in that hole with an aqualung and flippers – no I did, honestly
Me thinks they have an SBS version in the mole military and it’s a cunning plan against ‘him’ in the cottage. Big hole, filled with water and entice ‘him’ close to it and ‘WHAM’ – big splash and he’s dragged down into their HQ for interrogation – and now I’m on LSD

“But you said they were paracetamol”

I joyfully ran about with the dogs and eventually I heard that now famous tone??

“I’ve got the dogs food ready and you can come in now”!!

I got back to the kitchen and stupidly said “That’s bad English you know” “because anyone listening would think I was also going to get a bowl of dog food”

“And just who the hell is going to be listening”? She asked

“Look around you, the nearest carbon life form apart from murky and lurky in the cottage are miles away from us”

“And anyway they need to be miles away from us as no one understands YOU, they just think you’re completely away with the stars most the time” “Another planet reserved just for you to be on” “And let’s be honest, you are most of the time”

“Oh Captain” I said
“There’s Klingons on the starboard bow”
“Set Phasers to stun”

“That’s exactly my point” She said

“You’re not travelling at warp anything – you’re just warped” “Or your mind is”

She sighed and then fed the dogs

She did NOT feed me

Instead I got the greatest of pleasures and had to prepare tea and toast for the Captain. “I’ve not seen a species like this before” “Its communication system is primitive”

During this hour of breakfast bliss (but not in America) I was allowed to have the marmalade on my toast.

How thoughtful of her I said to myself

“And what are we going to do today I asked” whilst savouring my orange marmalade spread lovingly across my 5 slices of toast

“Well” she said (Oh Oh – warning sign)
“Sound the General alarm, we’re about to come under attack”

“Shoot to kill, we come in peace”

“You can go outside and potter about as you do” “But be back for 1230hrs as we have been invited for lunch up at the cottage”

“And what date would that be for”? I asked

“You’re an idiot” she replied with the venom of a venomous thing

“Oh and take the dogs out with you”

And so I did

I went into our wood and reviewed my sapling trees that I have been planting whenever I cut a tree down. You see when we first moved there the woodland was overgrown and the trees had grown to such an extent that light couldn’t get through and stifled further growth of any saplings and as a result the wood was a mess.

Now, in parts of the wood bluebells grow – oh yes and they sure are a lovely sight when they’re out. But I knew I could expand it and so planned a careful approach to cutting and limbing the trees thus allowing both light and shade, moisture and run off.

And a big thanks to the forestry commission for their advice and guidance. You’d be surprised??
They do more than you think and happy to help and advise.

And so being the Lumberjack I am!! I set forth and continued my program. My boys toys (The chain saw and brush cutter) were duly set to work……. and the dogs??

They love that wood.

I fenced it off some years ago and it is ideal for them and they happily spend all day in their doing their thing.

I only fell over three times in the man traps the Viz had dug, so not bad really.

But for the dogs it must be great fun. They must feel like I do in a Bike showroom!!!!

Anyway, the wood is home to Wabbits and it has a fox run through it.

We won’t go there will we………don’t want to be a naughty banker now do we!!!

Further down the lane we have a badger set as well although I’m not telling anyone about that given the truly astonishing parliamentary act to cull them. 90% of those idiots don’t even know what the countryside is apart from it’s got a lot of letters in its name!!

“OOHH – that’s got as many letters in it as wheelbarrow”!!

“Now let me see, Badger, ah yes I know…….isn’t that when you annoy someone”?

“Yes go ahead……..kill them all”

“Badger you said, just remind me, what is it again”

Crime of the century!!! (Supertramp)

Let us take a helicopter ride above all our MPs shall we?? Hop in – let’s go for a ride

Firstly they go round the towns and villages and say YES to everything the constituents want.

You’re pleased and wasn’t he/she such a nice person, full of honesty and integrity??

Voting time comes and you vote for him/her

And hey presto they are now an MP for the next four years – YIPEE

He/she will surely stand by their words and get us what they promised to us


The MP we’ve just voted in sees it another way?

They have just four years to worm their way into a medium or big sized company as a ‘Director’ or an ‘Executive’

They forget their roots – and so quickly – “Gosh I’m so surprised, seemed such a nice person”

At the next election four years later they try again and fail to get a seat in the houses of parliament.

But do they care?

Of course they don’t – They are now Directors of Companies

Their networking job completed they can live happily ever after

“But what about us”?? “Sorry, and you are…………..”

Er yes, where was I?

Ah, I know, I was in Speakers corner in our woods. Whoops – forgive the little digression

But the dogs!! With all those scents and smells it keeps them amused all day and beyond.

The Springer spends most of his time….well, Springing if the undergrowth is deep just to see where I am or the others

Claude runs and hides in a game with the others. Then has to give himself up because he’s lost!!!
Then our French hero comes over all tough hard and strong, then out jumps Duncan from the undergrowth and Claude Botty burps!!

Neither the Chain Saw nor the Brush Cutter bother them, not the noise or the tree falling on them. No – just joking

Been close a couple of times but not that close. They are not stupid and sense impending doom!!

You know what is amazing?

If I hurt myself, or fall over or trip and fall into one of the Viz’s holes he’s dug, they all come to investigate and stay with me until they see I’m alright.

Or it’s just to take the………..well, you know – I’m never sure which it is

Once I’m up and about they’re gone.

If I call one in to see where ‘I think’ it is then I guarantee I get it wrong

Another thing?

Sometimes, I deliberately hide from them

Yet within minutes I’m found

They do not leave that wood unless I do. If I go missing they instinctively search me out.

It fascinates me

I wonder if The Dearest One would do that?? (Wry smile)

And so back to the plot

It’s nearly 1230hrs – the witching hour for lunch up at the cottage

I call in the dogs
I’m ignored

I whistle
I’m ignored

I shout
I’m ignored

I gather my things, and walk off out into the field and back to the house
Boring……..I’m still being ignored

I put my bits away in the workshop and go into the house
I’m ignored!!

Then from out of nowhere

“Where are the dogs”?

“Er…….in the wood”

“Can’t you do anything right, we’re going to be late” “But it’s just lunch, not like I’m getting an OBE is it”?

The Dearest One puts on her boots…….nice one’s as well, I bought them for her in a moment of weakness!!

She gets 20 yards from the house – about 100 yards from the edge of the woods and stops.

“Dog whistle in mouth she gives two sharp whistles”
She’s ignored (tee hee)

She shouts for them to come in……….
She’s ignored (TEE HEE)

She shouts again with venom

Suddenly 10 dogs burst out of the gate from the woods and charge up to her.
Smug *&^%$#@!@#$

They follow her in to the house and settle down to treats

“These life forms are attracted only to the female of the species” “Odd behavior in one’s so ancient”

And so we amble off up to the cottage for lunch (Oh no)

Boots off and we’re invited in – and something smells nice

I start proceedings

“Mug, cup of tea, and now” I dreamed

“Oh yes thank you I would love a cup of tea, that would be delightful and how’s the mole hunting going”?

“Rain stopped play”

“Oh what a shame” I say

“Perhaps they are learning to swim and will eventually become aquatic and can live in the pond”

“Do you want to wear this cup of tea or drink it”?

“Mmm, let me think about that for a moment” “I’ve chosen to drink it”

“So then, what’s for lunch”? The Dearest risked in question

Her Mother responded……….”Lasagna”

“Oh that would be lovely” “Homemade is it”?

“No” She said “I got them from Sinsburiecosons Supermarket, 4 for 99 pence”!!!

The Dearest One went pale and was close to collapse.

I intervened

“What’s wrong with that sounds like a bargain to me”

“Haven’t you seen the news?”

“They contain horse meat, the beef Lasagna is actually horse Lasagna”

“And I’m not eating it”

Mother in law then came out with the peach of peaches and cream statements

“Oh but Colin lives on them, he loves them and has one a day”

We had ham sandwiches instead, and Colin had 4 horse Lasagnas

“That’s it then” said the Mother in law

“Colin” “This afternoon you will empty the freezer of ALL frozen beef products from a supermarket and give it to The Dearest One for the dogs”


“Yes Dear”

I smiled – sounded like our house!!!!!!

We did the same thing that afternoon and cleared our freezer as well. But to be honest we didn’t have a lot anyway because we’re big fans of our local butchers and he buys locally and we know most of the farmers that supply him. But what we did have we put to one side for the dogs

That night whilst we were enjoying shuffle the dog from the couch game and trying to watch the idiot box the news came on.

We sat intently listening to all the government statements that it wasn’t so bad after all and that they would not be trying for a Directorship with any meat processing companies!!!

But what we did learn was that some of this horse meat had indeed entered the food chain and that it contained a horse drug.

Of course, accordingly the Government said NONE of it was a threat to human health!! Oh really

A government spokesperson was being interviewed and was answering questions whilst flicking its head around to stop the flies from landing on its head and its tail was flicking around its back end doing the same thing – after the interview was over we watched as the spokesperson cantered over to Hyde Park to get back to chewing threw the grass

“So it wasn’t hazardous to human health” Mmmmm “Except one”!!! I thought to myself

My imagination went into overdrive and I realised at that moment that I had been wrong all along about the mole hunter next door.

He isn’t nuts after all?

He’s eaten Lasagna every day for god knows how long and that drug has indeed represented a clear and present danger to his health……..or more over to the moles health
If he could catch one!!!

So that was it then. Case solved – and now for a Logical song!!

Colin is full of a horse drug that has clearly affected him and he must (in his mind) stamp out the mole, trample it down – or further down. He must rise up and conquer this little furry intruder that has blighted his turf.
Now it’s all become clear

I will, in the morning go to the vets and get the antidote for him

It’s the least I can do

I ventured forth and put my theory to The Dearest One

“You know” she said, “You’ve not had any horse Lasagna, you’re not full of a horse drug either”
“But you sure are full of something else”!!! (began with a ‘B’ but I didn’t quite catch the name)!!

“You really aren’t sharing this planet with us are you”?

“IF you go to the vet tomorrow morning and tell them about your theory they will put you out of your misery, you idiot”

“You’re nuttier than he is next door”

I shut up at this point and decided to calm things down

“Cup of tea dear”?

It worked – as I knew it would

Over the next few days the dogs were on cloud nine – food, food, glorious food and such a mix.

JJ loves Lasagna

He had it morning noon and night

One morning I went out to see what was going on and where the dogs all were. All was fine.

But no JJ?

I looked around for him and there he was, sat by the fence looking up in the field.

And that’s when it hit me?

I now know why he has taken up that position?

He was looking at our horse – and I could sense that in his head he saw her layered with pasta slices, topped with a sprinkling of cheese and with the sauce just gently cooling down before he dived into the enormous feast that was HIS Horse Lasagna

We now had two problems?

1. Colin going cold turkey from his horse drug induced mole fetish
2. JJ fantasizing about our horse in the field being his next giant meal

I had another issue as well – how to stop Colin eating the grass!!Must be a side effect to coming off the horse drug – we’ll see and I’ll let you know

As for JJ……….well who knows.

If he does get into that field and near the horse he’ll need a pressure suit and oxygen for coming back down to earth having been kicked into deep space

“One canine to beam aboard Captain” “Go ahead number one and beam him up”

I have two hopes on the horizon

Colin’s garden is fenced so he can’t wander off to where the grass is greener!! And JJ will eventually have to get used to the fact that his horse Lasagna is short lived. It ran out a few days ago – but he still sits by the fence and dreams!!!!

As for the Dearest One

Of course there’s nothing wrong with her – solid as rock that one

But if it ever comes on the news that tea is contaminated – then God help us all

And as for me??

Well, I did go down to the vets…….but I’m taking the long way home!! (Supertramp)

And that’s it for now

“Its life Jim, but not as we know it”

I like my planet, it’s a happy planet. And I hope yours is too……..take care out there

(And apologies for the Star Trek quotes and references to Supertramp songs and the slight political digression)

It won’t happen again……honest………..ish



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