It's Summer, and the longest day has passed
us with some of the big yellow blobby thing making an
appearance in the sky (occasionally) Temperatures soared
to unimaginable heights and at times reached 20 degrees.
Phew….It was like the French Riviera (or Italian
Riviera) only colder, and without the Mediterranean, and
the Yachts and the topless girls (not that I noticed of
course) and the Martinis and the fast cars. So in summary
then, it was nothing like the above. This is Wales and
we don’t ever see things like that. Sadly!!!!
we do have the Dogs………and they, like
us, tend to chill out and soak up a few of the rays from
the sun. But everything else is an effort………….
of course there is the “ODD” one Spin that
acts as the look-out for all the others, this particular
Spin needs to be on high alert at all times to ensure
no danger or The Dearest One (delete as applicable) can
interfere with this period of relaxing…….and
we have just the ‘odd’ one to be on alert…..
how the Hell that looks alert is well beyond my simple
mind……..however!! It wasn’t long before
he too gave up and……
Found a chill pill – in that bone……
While still managing to look completely non alert!!!!!
others of course (The French) dramatic music moment……..had
decided to make full use of this Spin down time with further
training in the art of cross border warfare. Tactics were
discussed and training sessions on the use of stealth,
escape and evasion were practiced as these cunning spy
shots clearly shows:
so now try and sneak up and take the hat”
excellent, and stay low, at night they won’t
see you anyway”
then of course after the training is the inquisitive questioning
after the sneaky stealth lesson!!!
tell me small black French thing, what’s that idiot
been teaching you now”?
for the rest of them?
in these conditions, just leads to ………………………these
conditions after a while”
being in all this heat just means you need to take on
more liquids……..and its Tea Time!!
get that Mini French thing to make us all a cup
of tea” “This is just puppy abuse, but
one day Spin, it will be payback time” –
“Claude said it first”!!!
bless I hear you say!!! How sweet, the nice doggies are
out in the sun and enjoying the 3 or 4 days of the English
what about the humans I hear you ask?
The Dearest One was sipping Sloe Gins and the occasional
Pimms No 9 in her area overlooking the grass plains of
her empire in the sun, gentle music playing in the background.
The birds in the trees singing and hopping from branch
to branch and flying from tree to tree, a butterfly floats
past…………oh can you picture the
neither can I??
was actually sipping Tea. There was no music, if there
had have been music and it was hers then it meant there
was a funeral somewhere close by!!! She has no musical
birds in the trees were all Robins from the Christmas
tree we had up during that particular ‘Happy Holiday’
period……….and who the hell changed Merry
Christmas to ‘Happy Holiday’?
butterfly was probably lost, and the only Sloe Gin she
knows is the ‘old boy’ in the village that
drives his Land Rover too slow.
that’s great but what about the lunatics next door??
yes………murky and lurky. Well folks they’ve
been away on a short vacation where Colin (him of mole
hunting fame) took the opportunity during that trip to
see his ‘friend’ who of course is the world’s
leading idiot on mole molesting, er…….sorry,
friend is the ultimate encyclopedia on mole eradication!!
I’m Barrack Obama’s sister……..!!!
when they came back!! (Oh no)
was armed and ready for the mole hunting season ahead.
For many days and weeks after they returned from their
trip they were hidden away in the cottage, from time to
time strange smells wafted through the air……no
no not that kind of smell – this was different.
would be the occasional flash of light from inside, at
other times small bangs could be heard. It was clear there
was something going on?
at night when it all went quiet you could hear that haunting
and sinister scientist laugh……..
The Dearest One would drift up there for her cup of mid
morning tea, or even a lunch and one night she had had
dinner there. She would come back and say to me “You
know, I think he’s up to something you know”
“Whenever I go up there things are quickly hidden
away and there is a deliberate attempt to keep me from
going anywhere other than the kitchen”
keeps smiling and saying things under his breath like,
the time is coming moley” “better watch out”
and “prepare to meet your maker” “and
to be honest it’s kind of scary”
were rarely seen out in the garden or when they were they
would avoid us or avoid our looks and cheerful ‘good
took to stopping all the visitors coming up our lane and
talking to them, whether they wanted him to or not!! He
still does it now, despite what happened?? (Be patient
only have the farm as a neighbour yet anything or anybody
trying to get past the cottage Colin would leap out of
the hedge from their garden wearing his High visibility
yellow coat, his black wardens cap and with his “Stop
Children” sign proceeded to stop everyone driving
up or down our lane and put them under extensive interrogation.
One of next doors boys rode up on a horse one morning
and he even questioned the horse. When they moved the
sheep down the lane he issued each one of them with a
‘Passport’ so they could get passed him when
they were relocated again later on.
Postman threatened to call the police but Colin said it
didn’t matter if he did? He would interrogate them
the Farmers friends went to pass him to visit the family
at the farm he stopped them and stamped their wrists with
a pass mark so he could account for them on the way back.
I can vouch for this as well as I had to go to the farm
to take their Cockerel back after it escaped out of its
pen. Colin stamped my wrist!!! And the Cockerels beak!!
the way, Claude did a marvelous job of catching that cockerel
– it cost me five pounds in compensation!!!
was becoming a worry.
rain hail or shine Colin the Lollipop man would be out
there and whether you liked it or not he was going to
stop you and talk to you. And Colin can talk!!!!!!
(Ex Yorkshire Babbling Champion 1907 to 1923)
Muttering under your breath Champion1932)
1948 Colin was presented with the Freedom to Buggar off
from the town after telling the worst joke in history
– The town’s Mayor was there to make sure
never fully recovered from this moment
ever he needed an excuse to go out on patrol then he used
a couple of options, cut the grass, clean the car, clean
the windows or to use the strimmer for the longer grass.
of these were used on a regular basis – but he looked
ridiculous in his high visibility gear and wardens cap
doing all that lot. But there was method in his madness,
and indeed he had been up to something, The Dearest One
had been right…………….
occasions there would be a lull in his activities and
early in the morning he would drive off returning some
hours later. During these times we would sometimes see
him moving boxes or objects from the rear of his car and
shuffling them carefully out of view into the cottage.
We were used to this strange behavior anyway so to us
it all looked rather innocent. We of course did not know
at that time just exactly what these things were.
and weeks went by and not a lot really changed to be honest
and on the outside, life appeared to be normal –
yes OK I know, we don’t do normal, but it was our
then late one night after the dogs had been out and had
had their evening constitutional moments and we had locked
up, all was quiet. The lights in the cottage were out
as well. But because it was so dark we noticed what we
thought were flashes of light, similar to flash photography.
We looked at each other and wondered what on earth was
going on next door.
didn’t have long to wait
was a considerable flash followed by a huge orange glow
with a sort of dull thud – it was loud but the noise
obviously dampened by the thick walls of the cottage,
being of stone they tended to keep in all the heat and
light and of course noise.
physics being what it is then this loud bang and flash
of light had to go somewhere. And it did. It went upwards
and blew the roof off the cottage……
rushed out to see what we could rescue.
out came Colin with hair smoking and stood on end, his
clothes in tatters and smoking. He had a blackened face,
his hands still holding the remnants of whatever it was
he had been working on. I noticed Colin’s eyeglasses
had only one arm on them and they were leaning to one
side. The Dearest One looked on at him alarmed at his
out of the smoke and over the rubble came ‘her’.
Colin’s wife, The Dearest One’s Mother!!
recent blue rinsed hair now a sort of smoky charcoal colour,
her face looked like a make-up artist’s work gone
badly wrong with black marks randomly placed. Her evening
gown was a cartoon characters reference point with it
hanging off her in tatters, and her slippers were not
quite as they were when recently purchased in the M &
the black marks on her face one could clearly see that
blowing the roof off the cottage was the very least of
night gown was 4.99 from Oxfam, those slippers were a
real bargain from the sale at M & S and the hair do
was a 9.99 special offer.
had entered a world of poo……………
wasn’t too pleased either!!!!
all went into our house for a cup of tea and black coffee
to assess the damage then to chat about the cottage roof,
or rather the lack of a cottage roof.
so it came to pass that Colin had discovered from his
mate that the petrol attack on the moles underground HQ
whilst being successful!!!!! was in fact only the beginning
and Colin’s mate had given him the recipe for a
more powerful weapon.
due to the ensuing explosion earlier we have no idea what
it was he was working on. All the evidence destroyed.
is not really a handyman to be fair, he can do the basics
but this was clearly one step beyond.
we learned from his mumblings over the next few days were:
“I thought it wasn’t connected”
• “And that blue one should have gone on ok”
• “What’s this button do”?
• “OH POO”
• “Fire in the hole”
that was it really……….
weeks later the roofers were with us replacing the cottage
roof. The odd couple had sorted themselves out, mother
in law’s hair was back to almost normal. Clothes
replaced and ego’s repaired.
the re-roofing phase they decided in their infinite wisdom
to sleep outside under canvas so as not to disturb the
dogs as Colin put it…..and I’m sure he meant
us. He had better have done!!
we come back now to Colin’s handyman abilities?
am now of the opinion that Colin was NOT a boy scout?
By the time he had the tent erected the roofers had gone
and the job completed. In fact his dear wife had been
living in the cottage for 3 days before Colin emerged
from under the canvas to realise that so much time had
passed and he was still nowhere with the tent.
all is back to normal!!!!!
to say Colin had raised the roof is an under statement
next week’s exciting episode:
Colin services the car and they are now experts on all
the bus routes and times
Colin prepares for winter and uses the chain saw!!
Colin helps decorate the cottage and removes a light switch
for access – they went without electricity for 2
And finally, Colin nearly gets run over by Sloe Gin in
his Land Rover? Who we found out drives slowly because
he can’t see very well. Obviously that Hi-visibility
coat isn’t Hi enough
it for this time
care and watch out for the Lollipop man!!
I nearly forgot this??
is one of those things that I feed off and found it whilst
loitering with intent looking for something completely
different, as you do.
a thing that ‘scientists’ have come up with
to calculate a dog’s true age!!! Try it……
You’ll be there for hours!!!!!!
gave up eventually and converted it to humans and discovered
that The Dearest One will outlive me by 53 years and that
Colin is actually 147 years old. His wife is 25!!!
Calculate your dog's true age
first two years:
• 12.5 years per human year for the first two years
for small dogs
• 10.5 years per human year for the first two years
for medium sized dogs
• 9 years per human year for the first two years
for large dogs
For years 3+:
• Small: Dachshund (Miniature) 4.32, Border Terrier
4.47, Lhasa Apso 4.49, Shih Tzu 4.78, Whippet Medium 5.30,
Chihuahua 4.87, West Highland White Terrier 4.96, Beagle
5.20, Miniature Schnauzer 5.46, Spaniel (Cocker) 5.55,
Cavalier King Charles 5.77, Pug 5.95, French Bulldog 7.65
Medium: Spaniel 5.46, Retriever (Labrador) 5.74, Golden
Retriever 5.74, Staffordshire Bull Terrier 5.33, Bulldog
Large: German Shepherd 7.84, Boxer 8.90