Bonjours all round to the Olympians – whatever they
whatever they are, they have stopped all fun and games
at the house on the hill. The unfittest one has been drowning
in tea and biscuits for hours on end and stuck in front
of the idiot box watching all manner of fun and games.
that huff and puff, and for what??
they get a piece of liver cake? No
they get to go in the Subaru to the beach? No
they get a patronising: “Oh who’s a good boy
then” mixed with lots of hugs” well ok then
they probably get those.
they get to beat the Spins at their own game? No –
but then again neither do I - But I’m learning and
what do they get?? Well to me it looks like a piece of
chocolate wrapped in a coloured gold or silver wrapper,
or a bronzy coloured wrapper – not good at all I
reckon compared to what I get when I’ve been good!!!
whatever they are doing it looks like the unfittest one
likes it – a lot
know some nights I’ve been snoozing on the Spins
I’ve been woken up by the unfittest one shouting
“Rah rah” “oh do hurry up that beastly
Canadian is catching up” or
“Damn and blast the American is going jolly fast”
one night to my annoyance I heard her say “Splendid
effort that puts the French into second”
second, first losers, Sacre bleu peeps this is outrageous……..
the Brits have done very well, and the unfittest one said
“The Brits should do well they own all the stadiums
and arenas and therefore if we want to win and we don’t
like the competition then we should throw them out”
“we’re simply being polite and have invited
them over to Britville to test how good they are”
then again she did say that would be unsporting if we
the learning bit and sporty bit brings me neatly to my
notes for this session of school days in which a little
over excitement wreaks havoc on my bladder, I become very
sporting and let the Chocolate Labrador get the ball for
me, The unfittest one learns how to hold back my enthusiasm
and we continue with the sit, stay fetch the ball after
it’s landed thing……or whatever they
listen peeps, I want you to know that none of the above
is an Olympic sport – yet!!!
BUT BUT!!! (oh no, now what)
seen horses in that Olympic thing and anything they can
do we can do better…….right!!
I want to use these notes to put out a warning to all
other dogs, I don’t want to be bias and just keep
this for us Barbet’s?? It could affect most dogs
that are water lovers
watched some of that Olympic thing and noted with sheer
terror that there are some real lunatics that are using
the rivers and streams. There are human things in pointy
boat things that are surely breaking the speed limits
in those rivers and streams and they must represent a
danger to us water dogs. Imagine the scene………….
Claudy poo’s, fetch the bally then” (The Unfittest
where the bally goes” and she throws it into the
raging fast waters of the river, Claudy Poo’s (Oh
God, did I just say that) then jumps in to retrieve it
– because Claudy Poo’s
Likes the water and
b) Enjoys the liver cake after the retrieve
suddenly out of nowhere – whoosh……..right
past my nose comes some humanoid in a small pointy boat
thing travelling at mach 2 and missing me by a nose!!
And if that’s not enough what is that weapon thing
they carry, it looks like they just splash it about in
very dangerous and I’m going to be on the lookout
for them in the future.
check the beach water as well while I’m thinking
of those things hit’s you and it would surely ruin
your day and you’d never see where the ball went
– no ball, no retrieve = no liver cake. No fun!!
obviously for us no chocolate thing in a gold wrapper
usual I have completely forgotten what I’m supposed
to be writing about now….
got it, it’s all coming back to me now – ish!!
anyway, back to school.
are still learning the sit, stay and wait for the ball
to land before clearing off and retrieving it.
on the above point I have some good news and some bad
good news is that ‘She who gets out breath just
watching the Olympics” has now remembered to take
that whistle out of her mouth AFTER the command has been
blown to sit etc. this is good for two reasons?
I no longer look like I’m having an epileptic fit
with her trying to shout with the whistle in her mouth
and I’m up down round and end up with my head in
my derrière and
I actually understand the commands!!
I’m sat next to her outofbreathness, and she throws
the ball and although I’m still learning and tend
to go tearing after it she has discovered that if she
grabs hold of the top of my neck then I can’t go
until she lets go – and this is of course after
the ball has landed. Now this is damned annoying for another
couple of reasons?
That coat of mine is pure French and is a quality garment
that was made to fit. Grabbing me like that might stretch
it and imagine what that might do to my staggeringly good
grief it doesn’t bear thinking about – me
in an oversized St Bernards coat!!
I already look like I’m having a bad hair day –
everyday. But stretched hair would need platting and then
I would end up looking like one of those poodles
just been sick
the Colonel has now instructed her to do the following:
Get behind Claude
2. Arms round chest
3. Then at the appropriate moment let Claude go
the bliss, no more stretched suits
so it came to pass that Claude was released from the arms
of the ‘ruin my coat why don’t you one’
and off I went with buckets of enthusiasm and excitement
to retrieve the ball.
one minor problem!!
way back on the retrieve my bladder decided it wanted
a relief moment – and so I carefully placed the
ball on the ground and in a moment of utter stupidity
I stood over it and pee’d on it.
mind, I ignored those idiots laughing at me and simply
picked it back up and took it to the laughing gnome.
it was my turn to laugh??
laughing gnome had to take it off me and ended up with
all that relief on her hands
Claude you do have your moments
it was off to the raging torrent that is the stream!!
OK it’s not so much a raging torrent but I need
to set expectations here
was let off my slip lead and took a damned good look around
for one those lunatics in one of them pointy boat things
– coast clear and off I went and jumped straight
with nothing to do once in there I jumped back out again
the laughing gnome with the smelly hands (tee hee) threw
the ball into the stream. I immediately went after it,
your truly missed the bally and off it went down stream
Claude as you know is not stupid!!
watched the ball disappear into the distance and with
the potential of a pointy boat thing snapping at my derrière
with some humanoid in it waving a big stick around I came
back out the stream and sent the Chocolate Labrador after
it – and him of the smart arse variety, and to please
his owner went off and of course fetched it back.
he’s older than me and been doing this for longer
and that’s my excuse.
was also very lucky?
pointy boat thing attacked him….could have ended
in tears you know
all’s well that ends well and we all went home happy
back in the Subaru I could have swore I smelt something
resembling my relief – now I wonder where that was
Claude don’t go”
haven’t told us about the Springer?
you asked and to be honest we are both at ‘that’
stage of testing our owners. I peed on the ball, I go
off without waiting to be sent off. I sent the Lab off
to get the ball out the stream because I didn’t
want to go home with a pointy boat thing stuck out of
my derrière – and we both wouldn’t
have got in the Subaru anyway – they are too long
have our moments and to be honest I know I have to learn
but sometimes I just want to do what I want to do, hence
testing the owner. I’ll get there………don’t
Springer? Well he’s the same, but without the boaty
goes after the ball and picks it up but at the moment
does not bring it back to his owner, he’s got a
couple of other little annoyances as well – same
as me really
on the week – we’re equal again
I’m more gorgeous
it for this session
if your messing about in the river?? Well you know what
to look out for
care out there and Au revoir till next time