Bonjours peeps

And Bonjours all round to the Olympians – whatever they are

But whatever they are, they have stopped all fun and games at the house on the hill. The unfittest one has been drowning in tea and biscuits for hours on end and stuck in front of the idiot box watching all manner of fun and games.

All that huff and puff, and for what??

Do they get a piece of liver cake? No

Do they get to go in the Subaru to the beach? No

Do they get a patronising: “Oh who’s a good boy then” mixed with lots of hugs” well ok then they probably get those.

Do they get to beat the Spins at their own game? No – but then again neither do I - But I’m learning and fast.

So what do they get?? Well to me it looks like a piece of chocolate wrapped in a coloured gold or silver wrapper, or a bronzy coloured wrapper – not good at all I reckon compared to what I get when I’ve been good!!!

But whatever they are doing it looks like the unfittest one likes it – a lot

You know some nights I’ve been snoozing on the Spins couch when I’ve been woken up by the unfittest one shouting “Rah rah” “oh do hurry up that beastly Canadian is catching up” or
“Damn and blast the American is going jolly fast”

And one night to my annoyance I heard her say “Splendid effort that puts the French into second”

French, second, first losers, Sacre bleu peeps this is outrageous……..

Apparently the Brits have done very well, and the unfittest one said “The Brits should do well they own all the stadiums and arenas and therefore if we want to win and we don’t like the competition then we should throw them out” “we’re simply being polite and have invited them over to Britville to test how good they are”

But then again she did say that would be unsporting if we won everything!!!

But the learning bit and sporty bit brings me neatly to my notes for this session of school days in which a little over excitement wreaks havoc on my bladder, I become very sporting and let the Chocolate Labrador get the ball for me, The unfittest one learns how to hold back my enthusiasm and we continue with the sit, stay fetch the ball after it’s landed thing……or whatever they call it.

Now listen peeps, I want you to know that none of the above is an Olympic sport – yet!!!

BUT BUT BUT!!! (oh no, now what)

I’ve seen horses in that Olympic thing and anything they can do we can do better…….right!!

And I want to use these notes to put out a warning to all other dogs, I don’t want to be bias and just keep this for us Barbet’s?? It could affect most dogs that are water lovers

I watched some of that Olympic thing and noted with sheer terror that there are some real lunatics that are using the rivers and streams. There are human things in pointy boat things that are surely breaking the speed limits in those rivers and streams and they must represent a danger to us water dogs. Imagine the scene………….

“Oh Claudy poo’s, fetch the bally then” (The Unfittest One)

“Watch where the bally goes” and she throws it into the raging fast waters of the river, Claudy Poo’s (Oh God, did I just say that) then jumps in to retrieve it – because Claudy Poo’s

a) Likes the water and
b) Enjoys the liver cake after the retrieve

When suddenly out of nowhere – whoosh……..right past my nose comes some humanoid in a small pointy boat thing travelling at mach 2 and missing me by a nose!! And if that’s not enough what is that weapon thing they carry, it looks like they just splash it about in the water.

They’re very dangerous and I’m going to be on the lookout for them in the future.

Must check the beach water as well while I’m thinking about it.

One of those things hit’s you and it would surely ruin your day and you’d never see where the ball went – no ball, no retrieve = no liver cake. No fun!!

And obviously for us no chocolate thing in a gold wrapper either!!

As usual I have completely forgotten what I’m supposed to be writing about now….

No, got it, it’s all coming back to me now – ish!!

So anyway, back to school.

We are still learning the sit, stay and wait for the ball to land before clearing off and retrieving it.

Now on the above point I have some good news and some bad news??

The good news is that ‘She who gets out breath just watching the Olympics” has now remembered to take that whistle out of her mouth AFTER the command has been blown to sit etc. this is good for two reasons?

1. I no longer look like I’m having an epileptic fit with her trying to shout with the whistle in her mouth and I’m up down round and end up with my head in my derrière and

2. I actually understand the commands!!

Oh bless him….

The bad news??

So I’m sat next to her outofbreathness, and she throws the ball and although I’m still learning and tend to go tearing after it she has discovered that if she grabs hold of the top of my neck then I can’t go until she lets go – and this is of course after the ball has landed. Now this is damned annoying for another couple of reasons?

1. That coat of mine is pure French and is a quality garment that was made to fit. Grabbing me like that might stretch it and imagine what that might do to my staggeringly good looks.

Good grief it doesn’t bear thinking about – me in an oversized St Bernards coat!!

2. I already look like I’m having a bad hair day – everyday. But stretched hair would need platting and then I would end up looking like one of those poodles

I’ve just been sick

So the Colonel has now instructed her to do the following:

1. Get behind Claude
2. Arms round chest
3. Then at the appropriate moment let Claude go

Oh the bliss, no more stretched suits

And so it came to pass that Claude was released from the arms of the ‘ruin my coat why don’t you one’ and off I went with buckets of enthusiasm and excitement to retrieve the ball.

Got it
No problem

Except one minor problem!!

Half way back on the retrieve my bladder decided it wanted a relief moment – and so I carefully placed the ball on the ground and in a moment of utter stupidity I stood over it and pee’d on it.

So embarrassing

Never mind, I ignored those idiots laughing at me and simply picked it back up and took it to the laughing gnome.

Now it was my turn to laugh??

The laughing gnome had to take it off me and ended up with all that relief on her hands

Oh Claude you do have your moments

Then it was off to the raging torrent that is the stream!!

Well OK it’s not so much a raging torrent but I need to set expectations here

I was let off my slip lead and took a damned good look around for one those lunatics in one of them pointy boat things – coast clear and off I went and jumped straight in.

But with nothing to do once in there I jumped back out again – boring

Then the laughing gnome with the smelly hands (tee hee) threw the ball into the stream. I immediately went after it, and missed!!

Yes your truly missed the bally and off it went down stream

Now Claude as you know is not stupid!!

I watched the ball disappear into the distance and with the potential of a pointy boat thing snapping at my derrière with some humanoid in it waving a big stick around I came back out the stream and sent the Chocolate Labrador after it – and him of the smart arse variety, and to please his owner went off and of course fetched it back.

Well he’s older than me and been doing this for longer and that’s my excuse.

He was also very lucky?

No pointy boat thing attacked him….could have ended in tears you know

But all’s well that ends well and we all went home happy and content

Meanwhile back in the Subaru I could have swore I smelt something resembling my relief – now I wonder where that was coming from??

“Wait Claude don’t go”

You haven’t told us about the Springer?

Glad you asked and to be honest we are both at ‘that’ stage of testing our owners. I peed on the ball, I go off without waiting to be sent off. I sent the Lab off to get the ball out the stream because I didn’t want to go home with a pointy boat thing stuck out of my derrière – and we both wouldn’t have got in the Subaru anyway – they are too long for it.

We have our moments and to be honest I know I have to learn but sometimes I just want to do what I want to do, hence testing the owner. I’ll get there………don’t worry

The Springer? Well he’s the same, but without the boaty thing.

He goes after the ball and picks it up but at the moment does not bring it back to his owner, he’s got a couple of other little annoyances as well – same as me really

So on the week – we’re equal again

But I’m more gorgeous

That’s it for this session

And if your messing about in the river?? Well you know what to look out for

Take care out there and Au revoir till next time

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