by The Banker
to enforced pressure from all the Spins in the house I
am ‘obliged’ to hand over this set of Bankers
Notes to JJ. I will explain…………
of you will of course be familiar with JJ as he is the
one who had his Problem Page published along with him
being famous for releasing Woofyleaks. JJ is also well
known as the Face of our Land Rover – it’s
his head on the rear wheel cover. And last but not least,
JJ is of course my favourite of all our Spins………….as
for JJ?? He doesn’t have a favourite unless it feeds
him and lets him out or takes him out to exercise!!!
the other day he came up to me and explained that they
(The Spins) have had a meeting and all agreed unanimously
that they were fed up with the Bankers Notes always ‘claiming’
or ‘blaming’ them for the state we got ourselves
into or the money we cost or the damage they did or the
strange events we got into…….he went on to
explain that if I didn’t publish “their”
side of things then they would form an Italian Spinoni
Union and they would work to rule, demand an increase
in food allocation or just ignore us and generally mess
the place up – more than they do now.
couldn’t see the point of the threat as that’s
how it is anyway!!!
the thought of a Union? Now that was different, especially
if they enrolled the nations Spins in to it……….Good
Grief – we would get the blame for everything everywhere
involving the Spin. The stakes were too high and I capitulated………I
gave in, surrendered to the threat.
that’s the Introduction and in Human form, here
below and direct from the Spins themselves is the Spins
eye view of their owners………….
if there’s anyone you recognise or know!!!!!!
you for allowing us (albeit under duress) to use your
notes page to put over our side of things – the
way we view the world, our owners and how we live along
side you. We feel this is long overdue having endured
your notes and the way YOU see things about us and how
you are living with us.
can’t promise you that anything will change because
you have published these notes from us, but we will feel
a lot better – and that must count for something………….
here goes, and we’ve written it/put it together
in a format we all feel sure you will understand. After
all, you’re not that intelligent if we just put
it together in one piece!!!!!
it’s broken down into sections, so you can understand
and good luck
behalf of myself and the other Spins here
concede that we have to share OUR home with you.
and foremost you have to realise that it is OUR home and
we let YOU share it with us.
we’re quite happy sleeping on the vet beds, they
are warm and comfortable once they have been scrunched
up and we’ve circled it 23 times before flopping
down on it and getting comatose.
appreciate the fact that you clean them regularly and
although a nuisance at times when we have to share one
you should realise that if we had one each it would be
better. Don’t be put off that none of us could agree
which one we want and in the end we would all sleep together
on two of them and not use the other five!!
fact is we want the other five there whether we use them
of us like company and others don’t…..personally,
I like my own space.
to Mia, Kallie, Savanna, Unica and Freya…….
all allowed into the front room where there is a couch
– two to be exact. Unfortunately the owners use
one when we allow them to. But the room has a carpet,
a nice warm log fire in the winter and plenty of toys
to play with. The owners have put a toy basket out for
us which we all use on a regular basis. Although, I like
chewing the logs (Savanna) and I do NOT understand why
I get moaned at by the Dearest One for leaving a little
mess – it’s not my fault the logs fall apart
during a good chewing……..
human visitors are nothing short of a nuisance.
must in future tell us in advance that you’re having
visitors so we can organise ourselves and make them feel
they bring a Spin with them then that’s fine –
we have no issues. The more the merrier.
visitors take your biscuits and slices of cake. You know
damned well that this level of politeness is very annoying
to us as when you’re back is turned – or even
when it isn’t – those treats are ours.
then what do you do? For God’s sake you invite them
to sit down!!
visitors of yours are sitting on OUR couch………and
of course we join them on it. We do not however appreciate
you interfering when we are trying to move them off it.
So OK we stretch out a bit, I agree that we look utterly
pathetic when looking at them and the piece of cake they
are holding, we clear up the crumbs that are dropped until,
and inevitably they give in and we get a piece………but
they are so stupid?
actually move in to a totally uncomfortable position to
allow us more room to lay out!!!
stupid is that??
when the boys are not allowed into the front room it becomes
a real girls sanctuary, we love to chatter quietly away
to ourselves. Talk about the boys out in the conservatory
and kitchen area and steal the toys off each other. And
when all is said and done it is a great place to chill
out and sleep. We do sleep very well indeed and have perfected
look at the state of you lot?
sit down, watch TV then get up again to make tea. Then
you sit down again to eat it – and yes we know it’s
not ours, but 10 out of 10 for trying!!
what do you do? You get up and again to take out everything
you’ve bought in…….
if that’s not enough you then come back in again
and say things like “The washing up can wait, I’m
tired” “Going to watch this on TV and then
I’ll do it”
now it’s getting annoying – you then get up
again to go out and make a cup of tea!!!!
you lot stupid or what?……..it’s like
you’ve got a nervous twitch. If we were like that
you would keep telling us to ‘sit’
THEN……it just gets more and more stupid?
twitch or move and what do you do?
now the dogs want to go out” !!!!!
know, spectating from the sidelines you look so ridiculous
as to defy reason. You can’t sit still for 5 minutes.
should be like us and just chill out……….except
for food – the rest can wait!!!
when you do sleep – what do you do? You have to
go to a specially prepared area in another room where
you sleep on what you call a bed.
amuses us……..why not just flop on the floor
like we do? Or grab a vet bed….
thinking about that we know why? It’s so we can
have the couches when you’ve gone upstairs –
perhaps you’re not so dumb after all!!
noisy thing you use to get the dog hairs off the floor.
That’s a damned nuisance you know because:
b) It moves us from what is usually a comfortable position
c) It’s useless because 5 minutes later we’ve
put all the hairs back and
d) The thing picks up scrap bits of food that we pick
up later ‘when we feel like it’
don’t think we haven’t noticed that you eat
your food at the table. We know it’s to try to keep
it as far away from us as you can, which would be ideal
if the table was two foot higher!!!
don’t think we haven’t noticed your toiletry
habits either…..oh no……we know what
you’re doing. But why on earth do you get up (again)
and go to another room just to relieve yourself? You would
save so much more time and effort by coming outside with
us and doing it, bit of the community spirit and all that…..communal
we would stop short of the old bum sniffing – there’s
no way on earth we’d let you do that. Not even to
The Spins – Kitchen
have all mutually agreed that this is easily our favourite
food and even more food, and then there’s yours
as well!!!!! Treats and drinks and if we’re lucky
we get the after cooking bits also……..
yes the Kitchen………OUR SHRINE……….if
we were religious, this would be our church, our cathedral,
our temple, our mosque – it would be where we paid
homage to the vitamin and the protein and the calcium
and the bloody excellent FOOD……….
aren’t you lot a strange bunch in here as well?
- Gossip parlour
- Shed half the clothes from coming in
- Put them back on again to go out
- Kettle abusing!!
- Sneaking little treats for himself……..whoops
– sorry Banker
most of all you prepare our FOOD in here. And yours –
so for us it’s a win win!!
cleaning gets a bit depressing though…….leave
it alone will you.
could possibly go wrong!!!!!
the Kitchen is always warm, covered in vet beds? Because
we’ve dragged them in from the conservatory and
is a unique place for us being the centre of all food
sources and the crossroads between the front room and
the great outdoors……….
is excellent because we get to see the great outdoors,
we’re next door to the food, it’s got windows
all around it so we get to see everything and it allows
some serious barking when a stranger calls………well,
you’re all strange to us, even if they are your
recently it’s been turned into a grooming parlour
and that was a disaster!!!
now have to watch events unfold from the kitchen and although
the food is a tempting distraction we can’t get
at it. Which is fine until we find a way to open those
cupboards!!! And we will…….
what really annoyed us was the addition in that “parlour”
of the shower. We do NOT expect to be showered just because
we fell in the pond and got all muddy. We’ve told
you before to leave it to dry and it all falls off anyway.
But then again we can’t win? Because when we are
dry and the mud has fallen off, what do you go and do?
Use that damned noisy thing to clean the floor.
those dogs you have in to groom………..
you enjoy it and at least we aren’t jealous!!! Coz
the treats are worth the wait!!
why are you always babbling away to each other, we can’t
make head or tail of what you’re on about but it
goes on for ages sometimes. We’re intrigued as to
why you do it, we all agree that we’re better off
altogether. We just independently get on with it and if
we don’t like one another we say so, if we want
to play with each other – we do. Simple
you lot just moan and groan and with occasional laughs
thrown in…….but you drone on for hours and
hours. Is it any wonder we just flop down on the floor
and sleep. Think about it?
coat cover all – and several layers for you lot
God we do laugh when you go out??
should look at yourselves…….fancy clothes,
not so fancy clothes, shoes, boots (we like those and
have chewed many to bits)
is one thing we all find very amusing??
always have a giggle at the fact you have to cover your
skin. Except when you wash and shower……..what
the hell’s all that about?
the winter you’re covered in clothes, in the summer
you’re still covered but not as much.
For us it’s easy – one coat covers all………..and
White and Orange is the new black!!!
Brown Rhone the new………er……………brownish
yea and on the subject of the skin covering? It takes
you ages to get into them and even longer when it’s
raining, icy, windy and whatever else. It’s pathetic
to watch as you dress for the weather – you really
are an odd bunch.
when we go out in the Landy with you, what do you do?
extra clothes in and when you get out the Landy –
you put them on to take them off when you get back in
again. And oh my God……..you even change from
boots to shoes as well if we’ve been on walkabout.
Talk about confused………..
look at us. Oh naturelle……….one coat
for all seasons. 4 feet readily equipped. No changing,
no washing (except that bloody shower – and what’s
wrong with the smell of fox poo anyway)?
the time you lot have got ready to go out with all your
clothes and footwear we’ve already forgotten we’re
you put the treats bag in the Landy then it all comes
back to us!!
arrive somewhere and we already know where we are because
we can scent the change in the air. You lot couldn’t
scent the air if it hit you
what do we have to listen to??
Your babbling away to each other – we’re trying
to rest before the walkabout, you should show respect
and keep quiet
Music – what a row (The Dearest One clearly has
either no taste in it or one of you is well out of key
– we howl a better tune)!!
Some ‘other woman’ we don’t know telling
you where to go or to turn around because you missed the
Then when we arrive you let us out and we loiter around
the Landy waiting for you to get dressed and put your
boots on……..then grab a rucksack, then a flask,
then the leads (what for we don’t know, but you
take them anyway) and poo bags!!!
POO BAGS – how sick is that?? What on earth are
you thinking?? Do we go to your toilet and put your poo
in bags?? SIIIICCCCCKKKKKKKKK
last point is really sick with you picking up our poo
and putting it in a little green bag.
the hell do you do with it for God sake??
From our perspective you’ve been watching too much
what a state you get into walking with us as well…….you
struggle up the hills, pant your way down them. Stop and
talk to complete strangers. No wonder we keep out of the
way, we don’t know where they’ve been and
you know you shouldn’t talk to strangers!! We don’t……
just as we get going, what do you do?? Sit down at a bench
– you’ve got about as much go as a well used
and, and – we do NOT need to be called back every
5 minutes. We know EXACTLY where you are at all times,
unlike you lot who half the time only know where you’ve
are times we worry about you when we’re out because
you ‘think’ (dangerous habit in some humans
we’ve seen) we might go near, or up to another dog………Oh
come on, you have to be kidding surely? We’re Spins
– we don’t do other dogs – you’re
either a Spin - and that’s it really.
am a Spin, therefore I am”
don’t get us wrong…..some of those strangers
you stop and babble away to carry treats for their own
d-o-g-s (is that what they really are)?
guess what? We get some as well
on reflection – ignore the last bit – we’ll
put up with it!!
walk Around Town
no…….these are awful. We hate this with a
have to be put on leads.
only amusement for us is when you ‘think’
we’re going to shake our heads and throw slobber
at everyone within a 2 metre radius. Now that’s
a laugh we have to admit because you can only do one of
Pull us out the way (if you’re lucky) or
2. You have to apologise
don’t think we haven’t seen you lot spit!!
So what’s the difference?
interesting feature for us is the fact you don’t
stop and sniff each other. Now we reckon that’s
because there’s too many of you and if you stopped
to sniff everyone in town for that day we would be there
for 3 days!!!
don’t even stop to sniff other dogs……..in
our eyes their not!! So we don’t bother
love the small kids who think we’re going to rob
them or mug them – as soon as they see us and when
we get close they throw their hands in the air to surrender.
Pathetic…..we blame the parents
get annoyed, bored, frustrated when we’re stopped
because someone wants to know what we are??
desperate to talk like you at that point (Censored)!!!!!!!
swiftly moving on…………..then there’s
the ultimate tease?? You always walk us past that bloody
pie shop and then get annoyed with us because we’ve
pulled you across the road (narrowly avoiding a truck,
2 cars and a bus) to get into the place.
how much strength you humans have when you need it!! Well
that nice lady who owns the pie shop in the town further
away, now she likes us, and is always pleased to see us
– and we like her!!! A lot.
should go there more often………that’s
a walk worth doing!!
don’t like the beach so much in the town, too many
stones, pebble beach and all that. But the one further
down is good fun……..for us
all agree that the best thing about a walk around the
town on leads is the fact we get treats or find them on
And why can’t we go with you in the shops?
won’t offend anyone. Might slobber a bit…..but
hey, what’s a bit of slobber between friends?
– we know, if we slobber they’re not your
anyway it’s Doggist not being allowed into the shops…….
have to get a petition up to get that changed OR get the
shop owners to put a sticker in the window? “This
is a dog friendly shop”
we already know that’s about as likely as you lot
– and thinking about this for a moment? There is
ONE shop we’re allowed in? And WE all agree it’s
worth a visit and we will petition to have one of these
shops put in every town.
Pets At Home
can happily, no wait, we DO happily shoplift to our hearts
content in those places. The toys are all so easily accessible,
the smell of the food is rampant and to top it all –
those silly green people give us treats!!!
let’s look at that again shall we……….we
shoplift AND get a treat for it. Brilliant
the town, although nice is not where we want to be, our
house on the hill with its runabout areas where we can
do what we want when we want………..coz
we can is great
we try to cross the road because that’s where the
smell is coming from there are so many of those motorised
tin tops about it becomes dangerous – and we don’t
do danger. We’ve all agreed that we of the Awelymor
Spinone club aren’t townies!!
an excellent piece of kit that is.
Plenty of space, we all fit nicely and it takes us out
and about as and when we please!!
latter comment because we’ve normally held a meeting
during the day at some point and all agreed we should
look thoroughly bored and put on sad and ‘We’re
it works a treat for us………you’re
only human after all, and of course you have a conscience,
we love not having one!! As you’ve no doubt noticed
let’s have a look at the Landy bit of these notes……we’ve
looked bored. And as usual your weakness has failed you
again and we’re all off out.
it’s in with the clothes that you haven’t
put on, but will do when we stop. It’s in with the
boots and ditto the last comment. Then the rucksacks.
Bags of treats. Bags for poo. Bags of some bloody awful
things the Dearest One has got from her local sweetie
shop. A large water container. 2 water bowls. Vet beds.
Travel mugs. Several 5 litre flasks of tea. Leads (what
the hell for)? And last but not least?
now for our list:
yea……….US (what’s wrong with this
off we go……….have you ever thought that
if we all just got in and drove off we would get there
sooner, have longer to tear off and run round and you’d
still get back on time!!
– you never thought of that did you? Idiots
we like the Landy.
there is just ONE exception to that?
Show Ring Thing
the hell is that all about?
at it from our perspective – you throw us in that
bloody shower so we smell like a spring flower, you brush
us out, cut our hair, trim bits around bits, clip nails,
cut hair from between our feet, have a curious moment
or two around our private bits and then stand back and
admire all your work??
after all that you put us in the Landy and travel for
ages to a place we don’t even know to meet other
Spins who’ve no doubt looking at them have had the
same appalling treatment and then we’re put on a
lead and marched towards some stranger who then tells
you we’re either nice or we ain’t!!!
And that’s after we’ve been stood in a ring
as if we’re in an exhibition, we then have to prance
round that ring looking like a dancing horse (or dragged
round it if we don’t feel like it because we still
have that damned lead on) then, and wait for it? The ‘Judge’
then feels us all over.
embarrassing is that?
it goes on and on……stand again, binned or
made to go on drag about again. Then stand again and when
all else fails and there’s nothing left to do the
‘judge’ points at us.
it’s us you’re showing!!! How bizarre is that…….
you – yes you – get the round coloured crinkly
thing. That’s it……………
Oscar, No Emmy, No MBE, No CBE, buggar all. Just a round
crinkly thing. It’s pathetic
after all the cleaning and the drive there and the poncing
about – a crinkly thing. Great
and, and……………it makes you
happy. Weird or what?
could of course go home afterwards. But oh no….not
you. You then go and spend an eternity babbling with Spin
owners. As for us lot we couldn’t care less……….Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
in all you lot are a weird bunch.
Your can’t go out without ‘clothes’
2. You can’t sit still for 5 minutes
3. You keep babbling to each other – if not directly
then you’ve got some plastic thing stuck to the
side of your head
4. You annoy us with your friendships (couch and food
5. You have odd habits we don’t understand –
especially the toiletry bits, so why don’t you come
out with us? (What, no bags)?
6. You put us on a lead but you’re not wearing one
7. You keep changing our house around
8. You insist on cleaning and preening us
9. But we’re not allowed to be with you when you’re
cleaning and preening
10. You eat at a table, not out of a bowl – on the
11. You don’t sleep on the floor or a vet bed
12. You depend on something you call money and constantly
moan about it
is a however to all of the above that we have all agreed
You do need an understanding of what’s what with
us, they’re not rules, more like laws!!!
these are ours that you must learn and understand:
Awelymor Spinones Property Laws:
If I like it, it’s mine
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine
3. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine
4. If I can take it from you, it’s mine
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours
6. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine
7. If I saw it first, it’s mine
8. If it’s edible, it’s mine
9. If you have something and put it down, it’s mine
10. If I chew something up, all the pieces are mine
11. If I get tired of it, it’s yours
12. If I want it back it’s mine
other than that?
put up with you, have to live with you and to be honest
you’re a great source of amusement for us.
that in summary, is why you’re with us?
really are an odd bunch with a never ending supply of
you and regards
- The Spins of Awelymor -‘From the house on the