Spinone's Problem Page
Interview with JJ was both serious and yet at times it
had its funny moments as all those interviews tend to
do. With JJ it was no different. However, the one thing
that interview and the previous release of Woofyleaks
did was to get some interesting feedback??
feedback came in the form of a few letters and emails
from some of JJs more interested parties. It was not fan
mail, nor was it hate mail that he had revealed so much
about the thinking of the Spinone. It came in the form
of Spinones asking JJ to advise on problems they were
having with their owners.
came to me a few days ago and said “Look, I’ve
got these mails and not sure what to do with them”
“have a read through and give me some advice and
help me out, I don’t want to ignore them”
armed with a cup of tea and biscuits (human type) I wandered
off to quietly sit down and go through his mails as he
had asked me to do.
I put my tea down on the coffee table and promptly sat
on a Spin that had taken up squatters rights on the couch.
It sighed at me and I sighed back only louder. The Spin
I thought. That will teach you to take up position on
MY couch when you don’t even pay rent to stay there
all day. And you don’t even pick up your hairs afterwards…….
Spin turned around and looked at me with a real smug look
on its face. It was then I realised that said Spin had
taken my bloody biscuits off the coffee table!!
went back out in to the kitchen and got another couple
of human biscuits and one DOG biscuit. I marched back
in the living room sat down, took a sip of tea and the
Spin came wandering over, as of course I knew it would.
I ate a human biscuit and held the dog biscuit in front
of this poor sad wretched creature……..then
I ate that as well (complete with smart arse grin)
Spin just turned around 180 degrees and walked off. But
not without its tail knocking over my cup of tea
dog, why don’t you mind where you’re going
you !@#$%^&*&^** idiot”
“Now look what you’ve done, that’s gone
all over the Dearest Ones cross stitching set”
will be furious and I will be blamed for trying to have
a cup of tea in MY living room and on MY couch”
mopped up the mess and gave up on the tea and biscuits.
The cross stitch was another matter. Run Banker run……………..
a while I sat down and started to read through JJs mail.
Interesting stuff I can tell you. And you’ll see
why as you read on……….
mails had come in to JJ as problems from other Spins who
were having trouble with their owners and he was being
asked to help out the Spinone Dog World with his suggestions
of how to overcome them.
Armed with this knowledge I went back out to see him and
explain to him about what we should do about them.
can’t ignore them” I said, “some of
those dogs need help” “and I reckon because
you and I have such a close relationship they see you
as being able to help them out. Your human close and know
us better so they have the confidence in you”
see your point” said JJ
do you suggest”? He asked
we need to pick the one’s that sound desperate and
then you tell me what you want me to do” I replied
thought for a moment and then suggested we edited some
of them and put them on the Bankers Notes page. That way
the humans would get an idea of the trouble they are causing
their Spins and give some idea as to the solution that
may be suitable to both parties…………ish!!!!!
here we go then……..
Spinone’s Problem Page (and all his own work)!!
JJ, my owner wants me to sit on the parcel shelf at the
back of the car and nod my head but they have a small
hatchback and I can’t get on the shelf and if I’m
on the back seat I lay down and sleep which annoys them
as they want to show to me off. And anyway he complains
he can’t see out the back window if I’m trying
to get up there, which is terrifying considering we always
mostly are going forwards
don’t say what car it is but this is a surprisingly
common problem because owners like to show us off. Suggest
to the owner that they open a window for you about half
way down so you can stick your head out. In town this
is a great crowd pleaser and has people looking at what
on earth you are. By the way, make sure you ask for the
rear window to be opened? If it’s the front one
then you will only cause yourself grief because you’ll
end up being blamed for all the slobber being thrown into
the owners hair and down their nice clothes that they
cover themselves up with. Slobbering in their hair is
Ivor Windybottom (via email)
Please help: I unfortunately have a bit of a personal
problem with my stomach converting the food I am given
into Methane Gas. The house has been evacuated on several
occasions when my bottom has quietly burped and the owners
and sometimes guests have had to go outside, and the room
has had to be fumigated with a flowery spray.
when the owner had not realized I had ‘burped’
from my rear end he lit a cigarette and there was a small
controlled explosion. Although there was no real damage
(the cigarette was ruined, the cat was singed and the
budgie was cooked to perfection) it nevertheless caused
them to put me outside in the conservatory.
have reduced my car journeys as well because they have
to have the windows open and that’s no fun if it’s
can’t go on like this as its ruining a good relationship
and they are now calling me names I’m not familiar
Ivor, The problem here is the food type. I suggest you
ask them to change the food to something less volatile.
A dry food mix perhaps or chicken and rice for a while.
I don’t know if you’re eating their food or
whether you are on a canned food that is not the right
brand for you. But you need a diet that is shall we say
less of a worry to you and the owners. Your owners will
be getting nervous now as this obviously is a problem
so you need to work together to find a solution.
learn to use a lighter or matches and make sure you have
an escape route planned. It could be you might want to
turn a problem into an opportunity!!
By the way Ivor, don’t do this in the car as there
is no escape route…..
Frustrated of Farnworth
JJ: I share the house with a small rat on a rope, sorry,
I mean a small dog with an unpronounceable name. This
mutt they call Tiger!! And he gets everything he wants
and I just get the leftovers or, he creeps over to my
meal and takes bits of it. If we go out then he sits on
her lap in the front and I’m in the boot. They say
it’s because I’m too big to sit in the front.
I have tried to get in the front before she gets in but
I dive into the front seat, then I’m dragged out
the door and round to the boot again. If we’re out
on walkabout I’m on a lead and he’s carried
in her arms. It’s pathetic. Something has to be
done before I take drastic action.
Frustrated, the humans all have favourites and I suspect
you’re very much part of the family in other ways.
Not sure what, but at least they take you out with them,
as for a solution I can only suggest one of the following:
When its quiet go out in the garden and dig a hole, when
it’s quieter go and grab Tiger by the neck (not
the tail)!!! And take him outside and drop him in the
hole and then cover the hole up. Too make it realistic
looking I suggest you poo on the top of it (that will
also make you feel better)
- Another idea is when you’re both in the garden
and they are playing a game of fetch with you both, then
ignore the ball and bring him back to the humans claiming
he would have run out the gate onto the road. You saved
- At meal times instead of eating your food from the bowl
– make sure it’s clear of humans and eat Tiger
instead. When they’re looking for him make sure
you look innocent and concerned – do NOT grin…….
Stroke me nicely and watch me go
JJ, my hormones are out of control. My hips have a mind
of their own and my brain is a source self fulfillment.
The cat has scratched me, the Rabbit didn’t understand
me, and anyway, how I was I to know I’d suffocated
it, next doors dog has bit me and the small French Poodle
down the road I got stuck on and the vet had to release
us. But this is nothing!!! The human female had a friend
round and whilst she was on the couch I pounced on her.
should be ok and I’m told she’ll be out of
hospital in a few days, just bruising and a few scratch
marks. On me. And my owners friend is in a state of shock,
apart from the sprained wrist and the bruises.
am confined to the shed at the moment, its ok I suppose
but the mouse in here is far too small. Need advice as
to a way forward…….and backwards – no
sorry, not that way!!
SMNAWMG, you really do have problem. I have thought carefully
about this and it seems to me that you don’t have
enough toys to play with. No no no, not those sorts of
toys, I mean the ball, the fluffy thing, the thing that
makes duck noises when you chew it. The purple thing that
is annoying to play with. It may be as well that you have
a very keen sense of smell? Unfortunately you brain transmits
these smells as female hormones.
But my strongest advice is to suggest to your owners that
you are castrated. This will remove the problem –
JJ, #$%^&* off, there is no way that anyone is cutting
off my only joy in life. You have to be !@#$%^&* joking.
I thought you were there to help me. Turning me into a
she dog (think about it) just won’t do my image
Dear SMNAWMG, Noted. And although it’s not the best
solution, think of the benefits?
For one, er………………and
then there’s the image………..er,
urm, ooh yes and don’t forget how tidy your rear
end will look!!! Good luck big boy……or not
From: Run your hands over me and call me Betty
JJ, I am a 1 year old bitch and I heard the other day
my owner say that when I was big enough it might be an
idea to cross breed me with another breed. HELP ME………
Dear Betty, I take this very seriously indeed.
Spinone is NOT to be crossed with anything other than
another high quality Spinone. That’s it.
to help you go to the owners and demonstrate their mistaken
thinking, I have prepared this list of examples for you
Take the classic Labradoodle? What an absolutely absurd
name for a start. And imagine its personality? One minute
poser and the next a disobedient yapping machine, then
it’ll fetch something you didn’t want fetching.
And it’s looks – good grief what a mess…….I
don’t know about cross breeding but it would sure
make me cross
- Then there’s the Springoxer – Imagine a
really ugly highly energized time bomb on the loose
- The Greatbassett – another weird one. All those
ears 4 foot above the ground
- Let’s not forget the – The border foxcollie,
a hunting dog that rounds up everything and anything.
Its temperament wants to carefully creep up on sheep,
stealthily move in for the kill and then BAM……….rounds
them all into the corner of the field
Note: These dogs have a very short life span as the local
farmer doesn’t understand them and BAM…….shoots
them as a sheep worrier
Well it would worry me……..
The notorious Staffordshire bullshitzu……….at
this point you should all use your imaginations!!!
- What about the legend in its own lunchtime – The
West Highlanddalmation – although clever as its
spotty when sat or lay down then it goes to stripes when
it’s on the move or it’s windy, it nevertheless
looks like a kaleidoscope on legs
- We must not forget the lesser known – Greyrussell
Hound – admittedly this is rare but trust me when
you see one you will know it, but to help you with the
identification: The dog is one foot long and three feet
high. It yaps all day and night and can run at 135MPH
– it doesn’t know why, it just can. It chews
ankles providing the ankle is stood on a chair or bench
in the park. At the sight of a rabbit, rat or mouse –
135MPH. It eats very little (unless it catches it) as
a pet it is neither use nor ornament. Probably why it’s
- Ooh sorry, I just remembered one more – The Leonbassettburger
– or did I just eat one of those? Nope, forget that
one for now
- There are a few others of course but I’ve set
a standard with the above!!!
hope the above list helps you with your owners and puts
them off their quite ridiculous thoughts. As a contingency
make sure you contact your local Woofyleaks agent and
report them. If they insist on cross breeding then the
local agency will send the boys round to sort them out
for you………good luck
JJ, I have this awful feeling that my owners are going
to mate me with my cousin and apart from the fact I don’t
even fancy her (she’s just my type) moody and goes
between sulking and tantrums. Anyway, it’s just
not for me, now get me wrong I’m as red blooded
as any other Spin dog and I’ve done a bit of the
old hanky panky in my time (pups to prove it) and you
can see them on hankypankywithmebiggirl.net. So there
you have it……..I need your advice please.
Bensonmaam, I have chosen this letter to publish because
it hi-lites an issue on inbreeding that we are all trying
to eradicate including the more sensible owners amongst
The outcome is a poor quality line of pups and going on
to potentially creating problems later on in life. Bent
bones, odd shaped muscles and a Spin that does simply
not look good and therefore lowering the tone of the breed
and of course our quality.
So what to do about it:
You could claim because of your age you’re no longer
capable of producing live rounds
- You could volunteer for the chop!! Drastic, but would
at least relieve you of the pressure to perform. Actually
thinking about you would have no pressure, if you see
what I mean
- You could go through the motions but not the act –
looks good but doesn’t make you stand out (metaphorically)!!!
- You could enjoy yourself for 5 minutes without twisting
but that’s a risk
- As the humans have not invented a dog condom then that
idea is out
- Take one look at her pouting and posing and run a mile……or
several and that way when they got you back you would
be too knackered to perform
- You could of course just not show any interest in her
whatsoever, but could you control your hormones?
is not easy to answer so the ultimate answer is to say
that you just have to hope the owners come to their senses
in time. We all hope for this, but if the owners persist
then call the Woofyleaks helpline……..they
will send the boys round!!!! And that isn’t for
JJ, I have an unusual problem? You see, we are well known
for being an all action dog!! And when we’re not,
we simply lie down and stay there……..and sleep.
That’s it. Except me? I lie down and have no ‘all
action’ moments at all.
I can’t be bothered with it. I have no interest
in it, I get up in the morning and go outside, then come
back in, eat and lie down and until I want the toilet
and that’s it until the evening.
got a big garden, loads of toys, enthusiastic owners and
even a cat to chase. But even that thing lies with me!!!!!
feel life is passing me by and I’m just wasting
it…….over to you JJ
Ulysses, you are a complete waste of space and not doing
the breed any favours at all. Get off your growing derriere
and get out there and enjoy. You are an embarrassment
to yourself and of all of us. What is more is the fact
that you are uniqiue!! Too unique in fact and because
of that I am going to suggest some options for you that
might like to consider
Upset the owners so they chase you round the garden
2. Don’t upset the owners but bite the cat instead
and get clawed to within a near death experience –
that way every cat you see from then on will as sure as
hell make you move
3. Lick the electric socket for as long as it takes, believe
me that will make you jump
4. Chew the cable that is attached to the vacuum –
see 3 above
5. Get your lead accidentally caught round the tow grip
on the car and wait…….you’ll run then.
Oh brother you sure will run
6. Take some anti constipation medicine – you’ll
run but not the way you think
7. Find a female you can’t have and run after that,
the run back is more exciting as you’re likely to
be being chased by a very mad owner
8. You could go to the vets and when they let you out
and start that long walk into the reception……that
is the time to do a runner
9. Look in the mirror??
try Ulysses, but I know you as that lazy good for nothing
from down the road!!! You’re about as much a Spin
as The Dearest One is an Opera singer. As a dog you would
make a fine Sloath. And as a Sloath you’re ideal,
they sleep 23 hours a day.
was you at your most devious and cunning. But we’re
Spins and easily see through the weaknesses and jealousy
of you other breeds. That is why most of the time we can’t
be bothered with any of you.
distinction, snobbery, a breed above the rest, call us
what you like but there are dogs (many of them) and then
there are the Spins.
You’re either a Spin or you’re just another
fear not, even after your dull attempt to infiltrate our
close network I will still choose to treat as before………….”oh
really, what dog?? Never saw it”
Well Spins, that was just a few of the letters and emails
I have received and I hope that this spectrum of examples
has helped you in some way with your owners.
nice to them, but don’t feel sorry for them, they’re
just human after all. See you all soon somewhere when
we’re out and about. And if you want to come and
say hello then please do, especially you ladies out there………………..!!!