JJ Spinone's Problem Page


The Interview with JJ was both serious and yet at times it had its funny moments as all those interviews tend to do. With JJ it was no different. However, the one thing that interview and the previous release of Woofyleaks did was to get some interesting feedback??

This feedback came in the form of a few letters and emails from some of JJs more interested parties. It was not fan mail, nor was it hate mail that he had revealed so much about the thinking of the Spinone. It came in the form of Spinones asking JJ to advise on problems they were having with their owners.

JJ came to me a few days ago and said “Look, I’ve got these mails and not sure what to do with them” “have a read through and give me some advice and help me out, I don’t want to ignore them”

So armed with a cup of tea and biscuits (human type) I wandered off to quietly sit down and go through his mails as he had asked me to do.
I put my tea down on the coffee table and promptly sat on a Spin that had taken up squatters rights on the couch. It sighed at me and I sighed back only louder. The Spin moved.

Hah, I thought. That will teach you to take up position on MY couch when you don’t even pay rent to stay there all day. And you don’t even pick up your hairs afterwards…….

The Spin turned around and looked at me with a real smug look on its face. It was then I realised that said Spin had taken my bloody biscuits off the coffee table!!

This meant war………

I went back out in to the kitchen and got another couple of human biscuits and one DOG biscuit. I marched back in the living room sat down, took a sip of tea and the Spin came wandering over, as of course I knew it would. I ate a human biscuit and held the dog biscuit in front of this poor sad wretched creature……..then I ate that as well (complete with smart arse grin)

The Spin just turned around 180 degrees and walked off. But not without its tail knocking over my cup of tea

“@##$%$^&* dog, why don’t you mind where you’re going you !@#$%^&*&^** idiot”


“Now look what you’ve done, that’s gone all over the Dearest Ones cross stitching set”

“She will be furious and I will be blamed for trying to have a cup of tea in MY living room and on MY couch”

I mopped up the mess and gave up on the tea and biscuits. The cross stitch was another matter. Run Banker run……………..

After a while I sat down and started to read through JJs mail. Interesting stuff I can tell you. And you’ll see why as you read on……….

The mails had come in to JJ as problems from other Spins who were having trouble with their owners and he was being asked to help out the Spinone Dog World with his suggestions of how to overcome them.
Armed with this knowledge I went back out to see him and explain to him about what we should do about them.

“We can’t ignore them” I said, “some of those dogs need help” “and I reckon because you and I have such a close relationship they see you as being able to help them out. Your human close and know us better so they have the confidence in you”

“I see your point” said JJ

“What do you suggest”? He asked

“Well, we need to pick the one’s that sound desperate and then you tell me what you want me to do” I replied

“OK” he said

I thought for a moment and then suggested we edited some of them and put them on the Bankers Notes page. That way the humans would get an idea of the trouble they are causing their Spins and give some idea as to the solution that may be suitable to both parties…………ish!!!!!

So here we go then……..

JJ Spinone’s Problem Page (and all his own work)!!

From: Cameron Spinone

Hi JJ, my owner wants me to sit on the parcel shelf at the back of the car and nod my head but they have a small hatchback and I can’t get on the shelf and if I’m on the back seat I lay down and sleep which annoys them as they want to show to me off. And anyway he complains he can’t see out the back window if I’m trying to get up there, which is terrifying considering we always mostly are going forwards

Dear Cameron

You don’t say what car it is but this is a surprisingly common problem because owners like to show us off. Suggest to the owner that they open a window for you about half way down so you can stick your head out. In town this is a great crowd pleaser and has people looking at what on earth you are. By the way, make sure you ask for the rear window to be opened? If it’s the front one then you will only cause yourself grief because you’ll end up being blamed for all the slobber being thrown into the owners hair and down their nice clothes that they cover themselves up with. Slobbering in their hair is not recommended!!!


From: Ivor Windybottom (via email)

JJ, Please help: I unfortunately have a bit of a personal problem with my stomach converting the food I am given into Methane Gas. The house has been evacuated on several occasions when my bottom has quietly burped and the owners and sometimes guests have had to go outside, and the room has had to be fumigated with a flowery spray.

Once when the owner had not realized I had ‘burped’ from my rear end he lit a cigarette and there was a small controlled explosion. Although there was no real damage (the cigarette was ruined, the cat was singed and the budgie was cooked to perfection) it nevertheless caused them to put me outside in the conservatory.

They have reduced my car journeys as well because they have to have the windows open and that’s no fun if it’s raining.

I can’t go on like this as its ruining a good relationship and they are now calling me names I’m not familiar with.

Dear Ivor, The problem here is the food type. I suggest you ask them to change the food to something less volatile. A dry food mix perhaps or chicken and rice for a while. I don’t know if you’re eating their food or whether you are on a canned food that is not the right brand for you. But you need a diet that is shall we say less of a worry to you and the owners. Your owners will be getting nervous now as this obviously is a problem so you need to work together to find a solution.

Alternatively, learn to use a lighter or matches and make sure you have an escape route planned. It could be you might want to turn a problem into an opportunity!!
By the way Ivor, don’t do this in the car as there is no escape route…..

From: Frustrated of Farnworth

Dear JJ: I share the house with a small rat on a rope, sorry, I mean a small dog with an unpronounceable name. This mutt they call Tiger!! And he gets everything he wants and I just get the leftovers or, he creeps over to my meal and takes bits of it. If we go out then he sits on her lap in the front and I’m in the boot. They say it’s because I’m too big to sit in the front. I have tried to get in the front before she gets in but I dive into the front seat, then I’m dragged out the door and round to the boot again. If we’re out on walkabout I’m on a lead and he’s carried in her arms. It’s pathetic. Something has to be done before I take drastic action.

Dear Frustrated, the humans all have favourites and I suspect you’re very much part of the family in other ways. Not sure what, but at least they take you out with them, as for a solution I can only suggest one of the following:

- When its quiet go out in the garden and dig a hole, when it’s quieter go and grab Tiger by the neck (not the tail)!!! And take him outside and drop him in the hole and then cover the hole up. Too make it realistic looking I suggest you poo on the top of it (that will also make you feel better)
- Another idea is when you’re both in the garden and they are playing a game of fetch with you both, then ignore the ball and bring him back to the humans claiming he would have run out the gate onto the road. You saved his life….
- At meal times instead of eating your food from the bowl – make sure it’s clear of humans and eat Tiger instead. When they’re looking for him make sure you look innocent and concerned – do NOT grin…….

From: Stroke me nicely and watch me go

Dear JJ, my hormones are out of control. My hips have a mind of their own and my brain is a source self fulfillment. The cat has scratched me, the Rabbit didn’t understand me, and anyway, how I was I to know I’d suffocated it, next doors dog has bit me and the small French Poodle down the road I got stuck on and the vet had to release us. But this is nothing!!! The human female had a friend round and whilst she was on the couch I pounced on her.

She should be ok and I’m told she’ll be out of hospital in a few days, just bruising and a few scratch marks. On me. And my owners friend is in a state of shock, apart from the sprained wrist and the bruises.

I am confined to the shed at the moment, its ok I suppose but the mouse in here is far too small. Need advice as to a way forward…….and backwards – no sorry, not that way!!

Dear SMNAWMG, you really do have problem. I have thought carefully about this and it seems to me that you don’t have enough toys to play with. No no no, not those sorts of toys, I mean the ball, the fluffy thing, the thing that makes duck noises when you chew it. The purple thing that is annoying to play with. It may be as well that you have a very keen sense of smell? Unfortunately you brain transmits these smells as female hormones.
But my strongest advice is to suggest to your owners that you are castrated. This will remove the problem – literally!!

Dear JJ, #$%^&* off, there is no way that anyone is cutting off my only joy in life. You have to be !@#$%^&* joking. I thought you were there to help me. Turning me into a she dog (think about it) just won’t do my image any good.


Dear SMNAWMG, Noted. And although it’s not the best solution, think of the benefits?
For one, er………………and then there’s the image………..er, urm, ooh yes and don’t forget how tidy your rear end will look!!! Good luck big boy……or not


From: Run your hands over me and call me Betty (via email)

Dear JJ, I am a 1 year old bitch and I heard the other day my owner say that when I was big enough it might be an idea to cross breed me with another breed. HELP ME………


Dear Betty, I take this very seriously indeed.

The Spinone is NOT to be crossed with anything other than another high quality Spinone. That’s it.

Therefore to help you go to the owners and demonstrate their mistaken thinking, I have prepared this list of examples for you to use:

- Take the classic Labradoodle? What an absolutely absurd name for a start. And imagine its personality? One minute poser and the next a disobedient yapping machine, then it’ll fetch something you didn’t want fetching. And it’s looks – good grief what a mess…….I don’t know about cross breeding but it would sure make me cross
- Then there’s the Springoxer – Imagine a really ugly highly energized time bomb on the loose
- The Greatbassett – another weird one. All those ears 4 foot above the ground
- Let’s not forget the – The border foxcollie, a hunting dog that rounds up everything and anything. Its temperament wants to carefully creep up on sheep, stealthily move in for the kill and then BAM……….rounds them all into the corner of the field
Note: These dogs have a very short life span as the local farmer doesn’t understand them and BAM…….shoots them as a sheep worrier
Well it would worry me……..

- The notorious Staffordshire bullshitzu……….at this point you should all use your imaginations!!!
- What about the legend in its own lunchtime – The West Highlanddalmation – although clever as its spotty when sat or lay down then it goes to stripes when it’s on the move or it’s windy, it nevertheless looks like a kaleidoscope on legs
- We must not forget the lesser known – Greyrussell Hound – admittedly this is rare but trust me when you see one you will know it, but to help you with the identification: The dog is one foot long and three feet high. It yaps all day and night and can run at 135MPH – it doesn’t know why, it just can. It chews ankles providing the ankle is stood on a chair or bench in the park. At the sight of a rabbit, rat or mouse – 135MPH. It eats very little (unless it catches it) as a pet it is neither use nor ornament. Probably why it’s so rare
- Ooh sorry, I just remembered one more – The Leonbassettburger – or did I just eat one of those? Nope, forget that one for now
- There are a few others of course but I’ve set a standard with the above!!!

I hope the above list helps you with your owners and puts them off their quite ridiculous thoughts. As a contingency make sure you contact your local Woofyleaks agent and report them. If they insist on cross breeding then the local agency will send the boys round to sort them out for you………good luck


From: Bensonmaam

Dear JJ, I have this awful feeling that my owners are going to mate me with my cousin and apart from the fact I don’t even fancy her (she’s just my type) moody and goes between sulking and tantrums. Anyway, it’s just not for me, now get me wrong I’m as red blooded as any other Spin dog and I’ve done a bit of the old hanky panky in my time (pups to prove it) and you can see them on hankypankywithmebiggirl.net. So there you have it……..I need your advice please.

Dear Bensonmaam, I have chosen this letter to publish because it hi-lites an issue on inbreeding that we are all trying to eradicate including the more sensible owners amongst us.
The outcome is a poor quality line of pups and going on to potentially creating problems later on in life. Bent bones, odd shaped muscles and a Spin that does simply not look good and therefore lowering the tone of the breed and of course our quality.
So what to do about it:

- You could claim because of your age you’re no longer capable of producing live rounds
- You could volunteer for the chop!! Drastic, but would at least relieve you of the pressure to perform. Actually thinking about you would have no pressure, if you see what I mean
- You could go through the motions but not the act – looks good but doesn’t make you stand out (metaphorically)!!!
- You could enjoy yourself for 5 minutes without twisting but that’s a risk
- As the humans have not invented a dog condom then that idea is out
- Take one look at her pouting and posing and run a mile……or several and that way when they got you back you would be too knackered to perform
- You could of course just not show any interest in her whatsoever, but could you control your hormones?

This is not easy to answer so the ultimate answer is to say that you just have to hope the owners come to their senses in time. We all hope for this, but if the owners persist then call the Woofyleaks helpline……..they will send the boys round!!!! And that isn’t for mating…………


From: Ulysses

Dear JJ, I have an unusual problem? You see, we are well known for being an all action dog!! And when we’re not, we simply lie down and stay there……..and sleep. That’s it. Except me? I lie down and have no ‘all action’ moments at all.
I can’t be bothered with it. I have no interest in it, I get up in the morning and go outside, then come back in, eat and lie down and until I want the toilet and that’s it until the evening.

I’ve got a big garden, loads of toys, enthusiastic owners and even a cat to chase. But even that thing lies with me!!!!!

I feel life is passing me by and I’m just wasting it…….over to you JJ

Dear Ulysses, you are a complete waste of space and not doing the breed any favours at all. Get off your growing derriere and get out there and enjoy. You are an embarrassment to yourself and of all of us. What is more is the fact that you are uniqiue!! Too unique in fact and because of that I am going to suggest some options for you that might like to consider

1. Upset the owners so they chase you round the garden
2. Don’t upset the owners but bite the cat instead and get clawed to within a near death experience – that way every cat you see from then on will as sure as hell make you move
3. Lick the electric socket for as long as it takes, believe me that will make you jump
4. Chew the cable that is attached to the vacuum – see 3 above
5. Get your lead accidentally caught round the tow grip on the car and wait…….you’ll run then. Oh brother you sure will run
6. Take some anti constipation medicine – you’ll run but not the way you think
7. Find a female you can’t have and run after that, the run back is more exciting as you’re likely to be being chased by a very mad owner
8. You could go to the vets and when they let you out and start that long walk into the reception……that is the time to do a runner
9. Look in the mirror??

Nice try Ulysses, but I know you as that lazy good for nothing from down the road!!! You’re about as much a Spin as The Dearest One is an Opera singer. As a dog you would make a fine Sloath. And as a Sloath you’re ideal, they sleep 23 hours a day.

This was you at your most devious and cunning. But we’re Spins and easily see through the weaknesses and jealousy of you other breeds. That is why most of the time we can’t be bothered with any of you.

Class distinction, snobbery, a breed above the rest, call us what you like but there are dogs (many of them) and then there are the Spins.
You’re either a Spin or you’re just another dog………..

And fear not, even after your dull attempt to infiltrate our close network I will still choose to treat as before………….”oh really, what dog?? Never saw it”


Well Spins, that was just a few of the letters and emails I have received and I hope that this spectrum of examples has helped you in some way with your owners.

Be nice to them, but don’t feel sorry for them, they’re just human after all. See you all soon somewhere when we’re out and about. And if you want to come and say hello then please do, especially you ladies out there………………..!!!

Regards

JJ Spinone


 

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