Now let us understand something from the very start? I am not a professional Dog Trainer nor have I ever been, however, the Spinone is a Dog – well, we all know that don’t we? So by implication as a dog it will need training. Won’t it?

Now the Spinone is a lovely dog with its own traits and personality that to some degree match that of the owner. So if you set the standards from day one then at least you know that all the time, effort and discipline you put into the training will not be wasted. Your dog will be as good as you are!! Yes of course it will, from puppy through to the elderly years, that dog of yours will remain loyal and disciplined and be the obedient dog you’ve trained it to be. You will be proud of yourself and your dog………you might even wish to show it off to your friends, if you have any left!!

Now the Spinone is intelligent – very intelligent. Therefore the training will be difficult and frustrating for you, but also it will be difficult and frustrating for such an intelligent dog. So here lies the ‘rub’ so to speak………how do you train and ensure you have a dog to be proud of?

I have a reasonable history in working with well trained, disciplined and obedient gun dogs. I have beaten the rough shoot, shot the same and had dogs flushing the game, picking up and retrieving to perfection. In the rough, across water, rain, wind, snow you name it I’ve probably done it. I’ve worked with fox hounds and walked the driven shoots till my legs went numb. During this period of my life the dogs have been a privilege to work with – and I can tell you they love it. When someone says to you they have a fit dog, take a look at the working dog and then decide. I love watching sheep dogs at trials or working with their master rounding up his flock of sheep. Amazing……………

The Spinone?? Mmmmmmmm, not so sure. Not worked with one but I’m confident they can be trained the same (er….not the sheep rounding up thing)

So we had our first Spin……….Mia.

Little puppy must be let out for P and P of course. The odd accident or several, but hey, that’s what we signed up to. In time and with patience we overcame this little issue and eventually she was trained in this area and we all lived happily ever after. The End…………………or is it?

As Mia grew and matured I decided to extend the training to throw the ball/stick/Dearest one/Springer/ in fact anything close to hand to get her to pick up and retrieve it back to me. Easy!!!!

When we bought the ‘puppy’, no one said that the Spinone was arrogant, self opinionated, undisciplined, deaf, outrageously ignorant and damned intelligent. Suited the Dearest One I thought to myself.

Now I have mentioned a couple of times that the Spin is Intelligent and I did not realize just how intelligent until I was covertly/secretly handed a copy of the “Spinone Guide to Training Your Owner” written by a secret Spinone society and I have to say that the copy I had was secretly leaked out through the canine network and I got it from that infamous ‘Woofyleaks” site. Obviously leaked by some insider dog that had become disillusioned with the way the dogs were treating there owners.

Anyway, it has given me an insight into why the damned things are so hard to train. Well if they wanted a challenge they were certainly going to get one. I was NOT going to beaten by an oversized arrogant fluff ball with teeth and a tail……oh no, not me. Fight fire with fire.

So I have written this exceptionally useful guide from both my own experience in dog training and – yes wait for it – extracts from the “Spinone Guide to Training Your Owner”. Oh yes dear reader, I’m no fool and neither will you be by taking this guide with you and letting your Spinone know that you know what he/she knows from his/her own guide. Your dog(s) will be stunned at the ‘insider’ knowledge you have. Spinone training made easy!!!!!!!

So without delaying the excitement any longer here it is………” The Combined Bankers guide to training and being trained user guide to being trained by your Spinone”!!!!! (What)

Chapter 1

The puppy has been ‘house trained’ and during this period it has recognized and recorded that you the owner, feed it, water it (not with a can with Babygro in it of course) you let it out for P and P and of course allow to run about and have fun.

WARNING: at this point it is also recording EVERYTHING you do!!

You and your friends and the children love the puppy…….the puppy can do no wrong!! In fact the opposite is true? It can P & P at will throughout the house and “it’s a puppy – bless it” “it will learn”….well that puppy will grow up now believing it can do what it likes with impunity!! Everyone loves it, strokes it, fusses it, and of course gives it little morsels of food because “it’s hungry – the poor thing” – don’t deny it…’ve all done it, and 6 months later on, regretted it!!!!!!!

Then there’s the “oh how sweet – the puppy’s on the couch sleeping” “leave it alone – sit over there on the dining table chair where you won’t disturb the poor little thing”!!!!! “Yes dear” “but I can’t see the telly from over here” “oh that doesn’t matter it’s MY telly and I’m watching something that you hate,” “and anyway, if you wake up that puppy you’ll be wearing the telly”!!!

Turning round I hit my knee on the table and went “Gosh” “that hurt” – but not quite like that. It woke the puppy up………..

The telly was a size to small but the remote was a perfect fit…………!!

Well that was easy wasn’t it? What was wrong with that? Nothing – except you have set a standard and of course given the insight it needs to know how you are as a human. Its owner. With this gem of information it is now maturing into the beast it will later become. Except you now have the insider knowledge………..keep this quiet, don’t tell the dog, you need this information for training it later on, to: chase the cat, jump into the car, get a lead over its head, stand behind you when a stranger calls (barking optional) make friends with anything resembling a food source, getting on with the neighbour’s dog, picking up anything resembling food, being most rude to the vet, eating the vet, eating the vet bill (this is excellent as I own a vet)!!!! Scaring small children that it can look down on, pleading innocent when it’s done something wrong like chewing the tail off the Springer, eating the Springer’s dinner, eating the humans dinner (what a stupid place to leave that – you idiot) Dearest One to Banker!! Taking the dead mouse off the cat, trying to explain to the Spin that annoying the cat will result in its head being ripped off by an angry farm cat, further trying to explain to the Dearest One why the Spin was hiding under the Land Rover and is now oil stained and its back covered in mud (it understood the bit about taking the mouse off the farm cat and the cat was about to rip its head off) Smug cat

So chapter one is over. Let’s summarise shall we: apart from the odd accident the puppy is now house trained. That puppy has also learned to read and it is now following the instructions in THAT leaked document off the ‘Woofyleaks’ site………shhh… know the one I’m on about.

Chapter 2
Young adult 6 months on…….THAT puppy is now growing, it’s growing, and so is its personality too, unfortunately.

A leaked document I was reading (shhh….you know the one) had a piece in it that I thought I would share with you……a risk I know, but worth it…..

At this point the human has got over you being a puppy, it will therefore now require to have what they call ‘fun’ with you. Now fun requires you to stand and watch them throw a stick/ball/Springer/farm cat/the Viz/a Kong/well anything really.
Stay where you are, looking at the owner whilst he says to you “fetch”…..”fetch the ball or whatever”……….”go on JJ fetch the ball” at this point look up with gormless face and a slightly turned head as if to say…….”what the hell did you throw our ball over there for” “that’s pathetic – go and pick it up and bring it back here”
Human will respond to this: “FETCH THAT ing BALL WILL YOU”

“Oh you stupid animal” “Watch me fetch it” and so off you go to retrieve the ball you’ve just thrown for the dog to fetch.
You return back and repeat the cycle.

Now in my case I thought!!!! (Oh God) that I would use the Springer to show the Spin the simple task of retrieving. Sort of lesson by example and assimilation………

Logic 1 – result 0

I let the Springer out. Showed it the ball, threw the ball and off the Springer went…….within seconds it was back at my feet and dropped the ball. JJ was watching this closely. Ah ha I thought – he’s showing an interest. Banker brilliance!!

I repeated the exercise a couple more times. Same result, by now the Springer was panting for air. JJ reflected on the Woofyleaks guide………..

The human will possibly use another dog to demonstrate how to fetch the ball. Stay where you are and look at the Springer, notice how it pants, notice how it looks as if it’s enjoying itself. It’s not of course it’s its way of showing the human that he is an idiot for deliberately losing the ball and it must be important to him so the Springer (remember this breed has no brain) returns it to him.

You must not look like a Springer – otherwise other dogs will also think you have no brain. And panting is for stupid dogs, we look ridiculous panting and it is so undignified. Do not fetch that ball.

The human will probably tease you now with tasty treats. This is an old age favourite, don’t do this either unless you can have a piece WITHOUT fetching the ball. We recommend hound dog look Number 4.

The human is likely to get frustrated and shout at you. Remember, a Springer with no brain will react. In our case, just walk away disgusted and sniff something, you’ll probably get a treat for this as usually the human feels guilty then for upsetting your sensitive nature. Stupid human

I had some treats in my pocket and threw one to see if I get JJ to move. The Springer caught it mid air – Stupid Banker

I tried throwing the Springer but this just amused JJ and although the Springer thought it was a great game and came back to me again for me to throw him again, I found after about the 3rd throw it made my arms ache. So I stopped at this point and felt a cup of tea was required.

JJ moved now!!

I could see JJ thinking? I knew he thought he had won, but for me I thought it was me and that JJ was getting the wrong messages. In frustration I threw a stone up the yard and JJ chased after it. I threw the next stone at JJ and he chased that as well……..I picked up the Springer and threw him, JJ chased that. In fact he chased it all over the place as the Springer was fed up with being the retrieve item and buggered off. I shouted for him to come back, and along with JJ behind him he came back. JJ chewed his ear, I chewed JJs. Then the Springer chewed mine. I bit the Springer, JJ stopped and looked at me. I gave him a pat and a treat. Bad mistake……..he chewed the Springer’s ear again believing he would get rewarded.

I took out another treat and ate it myself. Thinking I should get the treat – I don’t know what for but I’d gone past caring at this stage.

I went back into the house and made a cup of tea and could not find anywhere in the Woofyleaks guide anything about my behaviour. Weird Banker………

I decided that it was me and I was not communicating to the dog very well by sending it the wrong messages:

Examples for your own guide:

“Sit” “will you sit down” “oh for God sake, just sit down” “are you going to sit down or what” “look, sit down will you it is the easiest thing to do” – “How am I supposed to put this lead on you if you don’t sit still”? “That’s it. I give in, you’re not going out without this lead on” “NOW SIT” “SSSIIITTTT”

I went back in and made another cup of tea………..I had the telly to myself this time – however after flicking through 13000 channels there was nothing on!!!

Oh well……….where’s that dog? I went back out and the bloody thing was sat there waiting for me!!

Meanwhile in the guide to training the owner…………….

Never follow a command first time. Instead the best thing to do is to ignore it and generally be a nuisance until the human gets fed up or bored and gives in. Wait till they go away and then follow the command until they come back. This way they not only act even more fed up but it’s mixed with shock. This is the ideal scenario for getting what you want and not what they want. It also ensures that the atmosphere is always one of surprise and to continue this element you should every now and again actually do what they tell you to do. Not all the time of course, but just once in a while. This way you always have the element of surprise.


“Sit” – this actually means stand there and ignore them (when they have given up, then you sit and wait for them to come back) this is most annoying

“Fetch” – Fetch is a useless command, what’s the point in fetching for you to take it back to them and then what do they do? Throw it away again for you to fetch again….and the point is what?

“Come here” – another useless command. Come here for what? Unless you are being rewarded, just wander off somewhere

“Keep still and let me put this lead on you” – Absolute nonsense this one. We have four legs and need our exercise. Ridiculous request for a breed like us. Ask yourself this; do you stop them and put a lead around them to restrict movement? No, of course we don’t. Best solution is to pull them along at your pace and stop suddenly to take on human fuss from complete strangers, sniff at a child in a pushchair and alarm them – this is great fun. You should watch the reaction of the mini human owners. Ignore other dogs, they are just subservient to us Spins. Royalty over the subjects. Accept ALL food sources. Sniff all the time and slow the pace down to allow maximum aroma intake. This is really annoying to them. If they buy a bacon sandwich, eat this to make them buy another one. When you know you are being introduced as an alert, sharp, powerful and fit gun dog, sit first with maximum boredom look, and then lay down utterly bored. This is most effective if there is more than one of you.

“Dinner time, come here then” (Listen for the food bowl rattling otherwise this could be a trap) if you are certain its food then ensure you are first, third and fifth in the queue. Stand on the Springer and push the Viz to the back, they’re too stupid to complain and always remember the Springer has no brain.

“Get off there” – Associate this to the couch. It’s your couch and not the friends or family to sit down on. You have made it your own. Keep it that way. If one those annoying humans sit next to you then use plan 13a, 16c or 21f in the guide appendix. All of these will get you your place back

“Walkies” – what kind of word is this? Nonsense – it is in actual fact “Runnies” – AKA clear off into the distance at a suitable pace ensuring it would need the Land Rover to get us back

“Come on then get out” – this is associated to the Land Rover. You have been taken somewhere, as you have remained prostrate for the entire journey use your senses to establish where you are and react accordingly i.e. Show – stay where you are. The beach – jump out and clear off (Note: watch out for humans with ice cream, you could get some or all if you hit them hard enough) Garden – just clear off, but watch out for that damned horse – JJ bumped into the space station not long back and got into trouble with a female astronaut. Human Friends house – a massive food source, go onto full alert and super scrounge mode (Tip: Poo in the most awkward places as this is really annoying to the human hosts, keep away from the Roses when stooping – these have thorns)

“Come on then, get in” – again associated to the Land Rover; The Viz and Springer will undoubtedly leap in and look smug. Don’t worry about them getting the most comfortable places, just move them when you get in. just stand at the back of the Landy and wait for the stupid human to lift you in

“No Don’t touch” – this is the human phrase for “Yes, pick it up and chew it” easily confused as you can see.

There are of course a few more examples but this gives you some idea

So now to the House and living and eating:

We sometimes eat at the table, we sometimes eat watching the “Telly” from the couch. Throughout this event we normally have a Spin or two in the front room with us for one reason or another. Now this is REAL house training:

- We have two couches, today the Spins have taken over one completely. They are the equivalent of travellers moving into your front room and taking over. AND they are just as messy leaving the place looking like a small thermo nuclear device has been detonated. You see we have a ‘toy’ basket in there as well and this is slowly emptied, and scattered all over the place. Kids are tidier.

- If a Spin goes onto the couch we then have to hire a JCB to get the thing off. I am amazed at how as one moves off another immediately takes its place.

- Dinner on the couch is a nightmare – The Dearest One gives them little bits while I moan at the lack of discipline. I put a full plate of dinner on the coffee table once to get the remote (I had, had it removed by then and replaced the batteries) when one the Spins pounced on it. I was stunned it took the meat and left the vegetables……….and what did I get in my ear “Don’t shout at the dog you idiot, you should not have left it there” Fair comment……..I would get my own back on that Dog!!!

- Later after dinner, I cleaned a dog bowl, put a medium sized Strawberry trifle in it, placed it on the floor and ate it in front of the dog. The Dearest one came charging into the kitchen where I was on all fours on the floor, and tripped over me

I was put out with the dogs to P & P after that and not let back in until I had been (By the way? That Woofyleaks guide is right about watching out for the roses)

We had friends round once, they only ever come round once!!! “Oh please Mrs Gutwrenchin, have a seat and I’ll fetch the tea things” “Why Thank you, I will” at this point Mrs Gutwrenchin has two options (1) Sit on the Spinone or (2) Sit next to the Spinone.

She sits next to the Spin (Oh No)……….after 5 minutes (max) the Spin puts its head on her lap. She moves the cup of tea to the table in front of her. “Another cake Mrs Gutwrenchin”? (Bad mistake) I hand her the plate and she duly takes from it another cake. Meanwhile that bloody dog has noticed. “Oh Bless, you can just have a little piece” says Mrs Gutwrenchin through gritted teeth. She breaks off a piece and the dog swallows her hand to ensure it does not miss a crumb.

5 minutes later the Spin has moved half its body over Mrs Gutwrenchin’s lap in order to increase maximum annoyance. She leans forward to reach her cup of tea and can’t reach far enough….at this moment Spin number two has come to the table and is lapping the cooling tea from the cup Mrs Gutwrenchin can’t reach. Nearby a plate of cakes is looking amazingly enticing…..Spin sniffs the air…..Spin reaches across…….Spin gets closer and closer and WHAM………..”NO” “ LEAVE” – shouts The Dearest One………

Spin leaves them alone, panic over. The Dearest One then rewards the obedient Spin with a cake…….

By now Mrs Gutwrenchin has a 40kg Spinone sprawled across her lap and is looking decidedly agitated. “Oi” Dearest One says to me “get that dog off out guest” “yes dear” I walk over to the dog and pull its head up, put an arm under the body and shuffle the lump off Mrs Gutwrenchin’s lap. I look down horrified to see her M & S trousers covered in dog hair. I smile at her and offer to rub the hair off her with a brush. She misheard me I’m sure……………

I get slapped and the Dearest One sends me to the Kitchen to get another tea. Mrs Gutwrenchin has followed me out exclaiming she has to go shopping, it’s late have I been here that long? I have to meet my husband blah blah blah……..and off she goes. We invite her to return. “Yes I would love to” she says…….(No chance)

So what has this to do with training I hear you ask?

The point is simple. It’s not a one sided exercise, it’s a joint Dog-v-Man exercise in favour of the dog!!!

House training is NOT just about P & P……’s about us humans taking back what is naturally ours. House training is Domestic War. Humans versus Canines

Chapter 3

Dog Training School

The Dearest One takes the Spins to a dog training school for obedience and ring craft for the shows. I’ve been a few times and I can honestly see why they haven’t learned a thing!! The Dearest one has of course, but that’s just the gossip going around the ring………The Dogs though? Nothing. Zilch, Buggar all…………….

Now let this be a warning to you if you’re considering taking your dog to one of these dog training schools.

Firstly, they are a natural recruiting ground for the secret canine society determined to push through human training for dogs. It is a subversive movement directly linked to ‘Woofyleaks’. When you get in there the dogs gather with the owners in one place with the owners babbling on about everything imaginable, global warming, the status of the matabeeli bongo bean, the latest in dog training aids, the state of the government (have we got one yet) the government in a state (ah yes we have then) world famine and that old chestnut……..GOSSIP………….

BUT……….whilst us humans are babbling away, so are those dogs. The ring leaders, so to speak, are recruiting into the society. They are plotting against you…….a sort of do’s and don’ts for the pack. Different breeds getting instructions on how to disrupt services to humans, you know the one’s – “right, all small yappy dogs and poodles – yap all day and night and don’t forget to nip strangers”, “Staffordshire bull terriers, look tough hard and strong” “and tear to shreds anything other than food” “walk with menace” German Shepherds “Use the reputation boys, I’ll say no more” “Small to medium sized hairy things – don’t know what the hell you are but carry on the leg humping” “very effective” Basset hounds “God knows, but you’re doing a great job” Labradors and Retrievers “continue to scratch a hole in the back door until its replaced with an aluminium one – then scratch the paint off it” “anything less than 6 months old come to the front and listen……….P & P all over the place. Rip to shreds anything and everything and don’t forget to chew the edges of doors and cupboards” – and to you all…….”Don’t chew the black round things on the motorized units…..these will destroy you during the loud bang”

Hang on, let me gather my thoughts…… where was I? Ah yes the alleged training school………….

The Show ring…….we took some of our Spins

Once there The Dearest One mingled with friends and I noticed that human female trait of expansive ear lobes during gossip moments…..”she did what” “oh no, what a shame” “her what fell off” “oohh and I saw her husband”…….”oh that dog of hers……..well” “can’t do a thing with it”……..”it’s much too big for her to handle you know”……and on and on and on

Enter the ring master………..!!!!!! Ooooooohhhhhhhh

So they call the dogs into the ring, on leads, with owners (not on leads) then some strange man instructs them to run around the ring, walk around the ring, stand, and so on.

Then he lifts them onto a table or indeed leaves them on the floor if they’re a big dog to inspect them!!!!

Well that was a revelation for me. I wondered how I would feel if some stranger came up to me, opened my mouth, pulled my lips up and down, rubbed his hand over my head and back, spread my legs and felt underneath, lifted my tail, felt my rear, stood back and stared at me then simply say “OK, good boy” and then get moved on. My mind wandered off – now if that was a young woman and I was that man……..tee hee……that ain’t so bad after all. But then I thought I could be arrested and jailed in the adult world for that behaviour. But they tell me it’s OK – you can do that to dogs!!! Oh really…

Suddenly I’m bought back to the real world!! With a “why don’t you take Kallie over there and the lady will help you train Kallie to sit and stay!!!!! OH MY GOD NO……..PLEASE NO

“Yes Dear of course” “Anything to avoid a global crisis locally”

So with Kallie on lead I dutifully strut forward – “right then she says” “You stay there, get the dog to sit” “then walk away to the white mark and when you get there turn round and call the dog to you”

“Get the dog to sit”……….How? it’s a Spin they don’t do commands I thought to myself. Stay there while I walk off? Oh really…..the damned thing will either (a) lay down or (b) Buggar off somewhere.

“OK then shall we start”? I looked at Kallie who had by now chosen (a) “Come on Kall get up”…she rolled onto her side to get more comfortable

“Come on Kall” nothing. “Walk away anyway and go to the white mark” the woman instructed me!! What is wrong with these people? Aren’t we supposed to be training the dogs? I walked to the white mark, turned around and Kallie was spark out. “OK that’s great” the woman said to me. “Now call the dog to you” “Kall, come on then” “Kallie, wake up” Kallie opened her eyes and looked around. Then went prone again. The woman looked at me and said “You can take her back now” Kallie sat up and came over to me!!!!

Dejected and thinking tonight was not one of my brighter ideas I reflected on the Dearest One as we left the house….”Right, I’m driving. It’s MY Landy, you will be nice to all the people. You will be enthusiastic and you will have at least one of the dogs with you at all times. You will not interfere or open your mouth about anything unless I refer to you to comment. Any sarcasm or wit that leaves your facial orifice will be swiftly and harshly dealt with” “Do I make myself clear”? Me…”Sir, Yes Sir” “and you will buy a raffle ticket, a cup of tea and bring them to me – is that clear”? Me…”Sir, Yes Sir”

“Good, then WE shall have a pleasant evening” I sighed……….

Meanwhile, back in the ring the strange man was still fondling dogs or whatever they do and making the owners happy with comments of “nice dog that”…….he worried me. I wondered as well if sheep were worried about him too.

(I had an insight now as to why the dogs had grouped together to form the Woofyleaks site. A sort of canine helpline)

I took the dog I was assigned over to the table where tea was served along with an assortment of ‘homemade’ cakes……..I remembered the Woofyleaks bit about ‘food sources’ – Kallie looked like she was smiling!! I swore under my breath. “2 teas please” “and 2 of those fine looking lumps of pastry” “are they burnt or are they supposed to look like that”? I asked. I picked one up and offered it Kallie….she rejected it. “make that two Kit Kats please”

I took the teas over to the Dearest One and offered her a Kit Kat “what did you get those for” she asked “you know the dogs can’t eat chocolate” “and did you get a raffle ticket”?...........oh poo!!

I was instructed to get some treats for the dogs, especially JJ as the man in the ring said he was a fine dog (more worry) and get a raffle ticket.

I went back and secured a doggy treat bag and a raffle ticket.

I asked the woman behind the table what the prizes were (Thinking to myself – A New Land Rover, A romantic weekend for two in Doncaster, A day out rough shooting on Mrs Cumley-Smythe-Whyte’s estate, A year’s supply Pedigree Chum) oh how stupid am I?

The prizes consisted of a 6 pack of Pedigree Chum, a big version of the Fine looking lump of pastry the dog rejected, a dog toy, which looked like a chewed dog lead and a bag of doggy treats.

It was just my luck, I won the bloody raffle that night……..just how the hell do you look pleased and oh so delighted having just won a 6 pack of Pedigree Chum? However!!! The Dearest one WAS really delighted.

Tip for you with the Pedigree Chum: The Chicken and Lamb should be fried with a small amount of olive oil, add a diced onion, a well diced garlic clove, peppers, a touch of black pepper and a curry paste (add to suit taste) fry until thoroughly cooked and add some pre-boiled mixed vegetables. Serve with sour cream and mango chutney along with some popadoms. I f you can manage it, eat with plain Naan bread.

Damn it, I’ve digressed…….where was I? Oh yes the training school……….

Anyway, later that night an elderly woman walked in, clearly of wealth and breeding and she was wearing tweed trousers, nice brogues for the lady, and a long coat and one those hats with Pheasant feathers in it (without the Pheasant attached) I thought she was deformed because she had a lot of underarm hair. But on closer inspection it was a dog!!! You know, one of those small, no, very small dogs. I’ve no idea what it was. Now I’ve seen this before? There is a breed of dog that has legs but they are collapsible when you put them down. Over time, the humans (predominantly female) carry these dogs everywhere and so their legs have become useless. From time to time you see them in handbags, shopping bags, crates, and on the back shelf of cars – the REAL nodding dogs.

I had this vision of Mrs Cumley-Smythe-Whyte saying to the maid “Marigold, will you take Trixiebellalooloo out the lawn for her morning constitutional” “Certainly Maam, Yes Maam” Marigold carries the dog outside and onto the lawn. She leans down and gently puts Trixiebellalooloo down on the grass where its legs collapse. Marigold turns away while the dog shuffles to do its thing……within seconds a large bird of prey swoops from a nearby oak tree, a split second later there’s a muted yelp as the bird carries Trixiebellalooloo off into the woods nearby. If the dog didn’t want a poo earlier, it sure as hell does now.

Marigold runs back into the house distraught, and walks with sheer panic on her face into the Dining room where Mrs Chumley-Smythe-Whyte is eating breakfast. “Where’s my dog”? She asks Marigold. “Oh your dog is about 150 feet in the air travelling west quite quickly into the woods Mrs Chumley-Smythe-Whyte” “and just exactly how has that happened Marigold”? “My dog can’t walk let alone fly you silly girl” “it was a big bird” it flew down and took the dog away”

“Oh never mind Marigold” “just clear the table and ask Hudson to bring the car round. I will go to town and get another one” “Yes Maam, Thank you Maam”

The Chumley-Smythe-Whyte estate has the country’s largest population of Raptors (Birds of Prey) they thrive in and around the garden!!!!

You know, I can’t remember now what it was I was writing about?

I looked at the dog, looked at her and wondered what a dog with no legs would do in a dog training class. It was then I noticed she had come to support this evening’s event and ‘socially’ advertise the Estates family day out. Now I thought we should go….these events for me are wonderfully healthy for my imagination. I could feast on the day out…….the dogs would be safe. I know of no Raptor capable of taking a 40kg lump of dog that would probably be prostrate on the ground anyway… about dead weight. 20 Raptors wouldn’t get a Spin off the ground and I know? I’ve tried getting one off one our guests and she was only sat on the couch!!

Panic over. The Dearest one informs me we are away that day!! Are we? “shut up you idiot, we’re not going there” “it won’t suit us we’re mere mortals compared to the likes of THEM”…..I felt like Marigold.

So from the Training school I learned that the dogs had a good evening training the humans. I learned that a Spinone in or out of its home is just as difficult to train. I learned that this centre was a Woofyleaks den of iniquity and clearly was carefully disguised as a Woofyleaks “Operational Cell”

I learned that there was a strange man who was keen on dogs, I learned that you should avoid lumps of pastry that dogs reject and that winning the raffle is not quite what it seems. The dogs won again except for the chicken and lamb of course.

So I hope this invaluable insight into training your Spinone is a must have guide for you both now and in the future. You have the skills, the knowledge and you won’t be fooled again will you??

You have the insider knowledge as well now of “Woofyleaks”

Andendum: News Flash……….The Woofyleaks founder, Bee Houndu has been arrested and taken into kennels by the RSPCH (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans) and is charged with gross indecency with a bitch on heat (next doors poodle allegedly) Mr Houndu’s solicitor says it is a conspiracy to have the Woofyleaks founder extradited back to his owner. Bee Houndu was allegedly away from his owner when the assault occurred. His owner said he had slipped the lead. T he owner of the poodle was too distraught to comment. There was no comment from the RSPCH

- The Banker



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