Now let us understand something from the very start? I
am not a professional Dog Trainer nor have I ever been,
however, the Spinone is a Dog – well, we all know
that don’t we? So by implication as a dog it will
need training. Won’t it?
the Spinone is a lovely dog with its own traits and personality
that to some degree match that of the owner. So if you
set the standards from day one then at least you know
that all the time, effort and discipline you put into
the training will not be wasted. Your dog will be as good
as you are!! Yes of course it will, from puppy through
to the elderly years, that dog of yours will remain loyal
and disciplined and be the obedient dog you’ve trained
it to be. You will be proud of yourself and your dog………you
might even wish to show it off to your friends, if you
have any left!!
the Spinone is intelligent – very intelligent. Therefore
the training will be difficult and frustrating for you,
but also it will be difficult and frustrating for such
an intelligent dog. So here lies the ‘rub’
so to speak………how do you train and ensure
you have a dog to be proud of?
have a reasonable history in working with well trained,
disciplined and obedient gun dogs. I have beaten the rough
shoot, shot the same and had dogs flushing the game, picking
up and retrieving to perfection. In the rough, across
water, rain, wind, snow you name it I’ve probably
done it. I’ve worked with fox hounds and walked
the driven shoots till my legs went numb. During this
period of my life the dogs have been a privilege to work
with – and I can tell you they love it. When someone
says to you they have a fit dog, take a look at the working
dog and then decide. I love watching sheep dogs at trials
or working with their master rounding up his flock of
Spinone?? Mmmmmmmm, not so sure. Not worked with one but
I’m confident they can be trained the same (er….not
the sheep rounding up thing)
we had our first Spin……….Mia.
puppy must be let out for P and P of course. The odd accident
or several, but hey, that’s what we signed up to.
In time and with patience we overcame this little issue
and eventually she was trained in this area and we all
lived happily ever after. The End…………………or
Mia grew and matured I decided to extend the training
to throw the ball/stick/Dearest one/Springer/ in fact
anything close to hand to get her to pick up and retrieve
it back to me. Easy!!!!
we bought the ‘puppy’, no one said that the
Spinone was arrogant, self opinionated, undisciplined,
deaf, outrageously ignorant and damned intelligent. Suited
the Dearest One I thought to myself.
I have mentioned a couple of times that the Spin is Intelligent
and I did not realize just how intelligent until I was
covertly/secretly handed a copy of the “Spinone
Guide to Training Your Owner” written by a secret
Spinone society and I have to say that the copy I had
was secretly leaked out through the canine network and
I got it from that infamous ‘Woofyleaks” site.
Obviously leaked by some insider dog that had become disillusioned
with the way the dogs were treating there owners.
it has given me an insight into why the damned things
are so hard to train. Well if they wanted a challenge
they were certainly going to get one. I was NOT going
to beaten by an oversized arrogant fluff ball with teeth
and a tail……oh no, not me. Fight fire with
I have written this exceptionally useful guide from both
my own experience in dog training and – yes wait
for it – extracts from the “Spinone Guide
to Training Your Owner”. Oh yes dear reader, I’m
no fool and neither will you be by taking this guide with
you and letting your Spinone know that you know what he/she
knows from his/her own guide. Your dog(s) will be stunned
at the ‘insider’ knowledge you have. Spinone
training made easy!!!!!!!
without delaying the excitement any longer here it is………”
The Combined Bankers guide to training and being trained
user guide to being trained by your Spinone”!!!!!
puppy has been ‘house trained’ and during
this period it has recognized and recorded that you the
owner, feed it, water it (not with a can with Babygro
in it of course) you let it out for P and P and of course
allow to run about and have fun.
at this point it is also recording EVERYTHING you do!!
and your friends and the children love the puppy…….the
puppy can do no wrong!! In fact the opposite is true?
It can P & P at will throughout the house and “it’s
a puppy – bless it” “it will learn”….well
that puppy will grow up now believing it can do what it
likes with impunity!! Everyone loves it, strokes it, fusses
it, and of course gives it little morsels of food because
“it’s hungry – the poor thing”
– don’t deny it…..you’ve all done
it, and 6 months later on, regretted it!!!!!!!
there’s the “oh how sweet – the puppy’s
on the couch sleeping” “leave it alone –
sit over there on the dining table chair where you won’t
disturb the poor little thing”!!!!! “Yes dear”
“but I can’t see the telly from over here”
“oh that doesn’t matter it’s MY telly
and I’m watching something that you hate,”
“and anyway, if you wake up that puppy you’ll
be wearing the telly”!!!
round I hit my knee on the table and went “Gosh”
“that hurt” – but not quite like that.
It woke the puppy up………..
telly was a size to small but the remote was a perfect
Well that was easy wasn’t it? What was wrong with
that? Nothing – except you have set a standard and
of course given the insight it needs to know how you are
as a human. Its owner. With this gem of information it
is now maturing into the beast it will later become. Except
you now have the insider knowledge………..keep
this quiet, don’t tell the dog, you need this information
for training it later on, to: chase the cat, jump into
the car, get a lead over its head, stand behind you when
a stranger calls (barking optional) make friends with
anything resembling a food source, getting on with the
neighbour’s dog, picking up anything resembling
food, being most rude to the vet, eating the vet, eating
the vet bill (this is excellent as I own a vet)!!!! Scaring
small children that it can look down on, pleading innocent
when it’s done something wrong like chewing the
tail off the Springer, eating the Springer’s dinner,
eating the humans dinner (what a stupid place to leave
that – you idiot) Dearest One to Banker!! Taking
the dead mouse off the cat, trying to explain to the Spin
that annoying the cat will result in its head being ripped
off by an angry farm cat, further trying to explain to
the Dearest One why the Spin was hiding under the Land
Rover and is now oil stained and its back covered in mud
(it understood the bit about taking the mouse off the
farm cat and the cat was about to rip its head off) Smug
chapter one is over. Let’s summarise shall we: apart
from the odd accident the puppy is now house trained.
That puppy has also learned to read and it is now following
the instructions in THAT leaked document off the ‘Woofyleaks’
site………shhh…..you know the one
I’m on about.
Young adult 6 months on…….THAT puppy is now
growing, it’s growing, and so is its personality
leaked document I was reading (shhh….you know the
one) had a piece in it that I thought I would share with
you……a risk I know, but worth it…..
At this point the human has got over you being a puppy,
it will therefore now require to have what they call ‘fun’
with you. Now fun requires you to stand and watch them
throw a stick/ball/Springer/farm cat/the Viz/a Kong/well
Stay where you are, looking at the owner whilst he says
to you “fetch”…..”fetch the ball
or whatever”……….”go on JJ
fetch the ball” at this point look up with gormless
face and a slightly turned head as if to say…….”what
the hell did you throw our ball over there for”
“that’s pathetic – go and pick it up
and bring it back here”
Human will respond to this: “FETCH THAT ing BALL
you stupid animal” “Watch me fetch it”
and so off you go to retrieve the ball you’ve just
thrown for the dog to fetch.
You return back and repeat the cycle.
Now in my case I thought!!!! (Oh God) that I would use
the Springer to show the Spin the simple task of retrieving.
Sort of lesson by example and assimilation………
1 – result 0
let the Springer out. Showed it the ball, threw the ball
and off the Springer went…….within seconds
it was back at my feet and dropped the ball. JJ was watching
this closely. Ah ha I thought – he’s showing
an interest. Banker brilliance!!
repeated the exercise a couple more times. Same result,
by now the Springer was panting for air. JJ reflected
on the Woofyleaks guide………..
human will possibly use another dog to demonstrate how
to fetch the ball. Stay where you are and look at the
Springer, notice how it pants, notice how it looks as
if it’s enjoying itself. It’s not of course
it’s its way of showing the human that he is an
idiot for deliberately losing the ball and it must be
important to him so the Springer (remember this breed
has no brain) returns it to him.
must not look like a Springer – otherwise other
dogs will also think you have no brain. And panting is
for stupid dogs, we look ridiculous panting and it is
so undignified. Do not fetch that ball.
human will probably tease you now with tasty treats. This
is an old age favourite, don’t do this either unless
you can have a piece WITHOUT fetching the ball. We recommend
hound dog look Number 4.
human is likely to get frustrated and shout at you. Remember,
a Springer with no brain will react. In our case, just
walk away disgusted and sniff something, you’ll
probably get a treat for this as usually the human feels
guilty then for upsetting your sensitive nature. Stupid
had some treats in my pocket and threw one to see if I
get JJ to move. The Springer caught it mid air –
tried throwing the Springer but this just amused JJ and
although the Springer thought it was a great game and
came back to me again for me to throw him again, I found
after about the 3rd throw it made my arms ache. So I stopped
at this point and felt a cup of tea was required.
could see JJ thinking? I knew he thought he had won, but
for me I thought it was me and that JJ was getting the
wrong messages. In frustration I threw a stone up the
yard and JJ chased after it. I threw the next stone at
JJ and he chased that as well……..I picked
up the Springer and threw him, JJ chased that. In fact
he chased it all over the place as the Springer was fed
up with being the retrieve item and buggered off. I shouted
for him to come back, and along with JJ behind him he
came back. JJ chewed his ear, I chewed JJs. Then the Springer
chewed mine. I bit the Springer, JJ stopped and looked
at me. I gave him a pat and a treat. Bad mistake……..he
chewed the Springer’s ear again believing he would
took out another treat and ate it myself. Thinking I should
get the treat – I don’t know what for but
I’d gone past caring at this stage.
went back into the house and made a cup of tea and could
not find anywhere in the Woofyleaks guide anything about
my behaviour. Weird Banker………
decided that it was me and I was not communicating to
the dog very well by sending it the wrong messages:
for your own guide:
“will you sit down” “oh for God sake,
just sit down” “are you going to sit down
or what” “look, sit down will you it is the
easiest thing to do” – “How am I supposed
to put this lead on you if you don’t sit still”?
“That’s it. I give in, you’re not going
out without this lead on” “NOW SIT”
went back in and made another cup of tea………..I
had the telly to myself this time – however after
flicking through 13000 channels there was nothing on!!!
well……….where’s that dog? I went
back out and the bloody thing was sat there waiting for
in the guide to training the owner…………….
follow a command first time. Instead the best thing to
do is to ignore it and generally be a nuisance until the
human gets fed up or bored and gives in. Wait till they
go away and then follow the command until they come back.
This way they not only act even more fed up but it’s
mixed with shock. This is the ideal scenario for getting
what you want and not what they want. It also ensures
that the atmosphere is always one of surprise and to continue
this element you should every now and again actually do
what they tell you to do. Not all the time of course,
but just once in a while. This way you always have the
element of surprise.
– this actually means stand there and ignore them
(when they have given up, then you sit and wait for them
to come back) this is most annoying
– Fetch is a useless command, what’s the point
in fetching for you to take it back to them and then what
do they do? Throw it away again for you to fetch again….and
the point is what?
here” – another useless command. Come here
for what? Unless you are being rewarded, just wander off
still and let me put this lead on you” – Absolute
nonsense this one. We have four legs and need our exercise.
Ridiculous request for a breed like us. Ask yourself this;
do you stop them and put a lead around them to restrict
movement? No, of course we don’t. Best solution
is to pull them along at your pace and stop suddenly to
take on human fuss from complete strangers, sniff at a
child in a pushchair and alarm them – this is great
fun. You should watch the reaction of the mini human owners.
Ignore other dogs, they are just subservient to us Spins.
Royalty over the subjects. Accept ALL food sources. Sniff
all the time and slow the pace down to allow maximum aroma
intake. This is really annoying to them. If they buy a
bacon sandwich, eat this to make them buy another one.
When you know you are being introduced as an alert, sharp,
powerful and fit gun dog, sit first with maximum boredom
look, and then lay down utterly bored. This is most effective
if there is more than one of you.
time, come here then” (Listen for the food bowl
rattling otherwise this could be a trap) if you are certain
its food then ensure you are first, third and fifth in
the queue. Stand on the Springer and push the Viz to the
back, they’re too stupid to complain and always
remember the Springer has no brain.
off there” – Associate this to the couch.
It’s your couch and not the friends or family to
sit down on. You have made it your own. Keep it that way.
If one those annoying humans sit next to you then use
plan 13a, 16c or 21f in the guide appendix. All of these
will get you your place back
– what kind of word is this? Nonsense – it
is in actual fact “Runnies” – AKA clear
off into the distance at a suitable pace ensuring it would
need the Land Rover to get us back
on then get out” – this is associated to the
Land Rover. You have been taken somewhere, as you have
remained prostrate for the entire journey use your senses
to establish where you are and react accordingly i.e.
Show – stay where you are. The beach – jump
out and clear off (Note: watch out for humans with ice
cream, you could get some or all if you hit them hard
enough) Garden – just clear off, but watch out for
that damned horse – JJ bumped into the space station
not long back and got into trouble with a female astronaut.
Human Friends house – a massive food source, go
onto full alert and super scrounge mode (Tip: Poo in the
most awkward places as this is really annoying to the
human hosts, keep away from the Roses when stooping –
these have thorns)
on then, get in” – again associated to the
Land Rover; The Viz and Springer will undoubtedly leap
in and look smug. Don’t worry about them getting
the most comfortable places, just move them when you get
in. just stand at the back of the Landy and wait for the
stupid human to lift you in
Don’t touch” – this is the human phrase
for “Yes, pick it up and chew it” easily confused
as you can see.
are of course a few more examples but this gives you some
now to the House and living and eating:
sometimes eat at the table, we sometimes eat watching
the “Telly” from the couch. Throughout this
event we normally have a Spin or two in the front room
with us for one reason or another. Now this is REAL house
- We have two couches, today the Spins have taken over
one completely. They are the equivalent of travellers
moving into your front room and taking over. AND they
are just as messy leaving the place looking like a small
thermo nuclear device has been detonated. You see we have
a ‘toy’ basket in there as well and this is
slowly emptied, and scattered all over the place. Kids
If a Spin goes onto the couch we then have to hire a JCB
to get the thing off. I am amazed at how as one moves
off another immediately takes its place.
Dinner on the couch is a nightmare – The Dearest
One gives them little bits while I moan at the lack of
discipline. I put a full plate of dinner on the coffee
table once to get the remote (I had, had it removed by
then and replaced the batteries) when one the Spins pounced
on it. I was stunned it took the meat and left the vegetables……….and
what did I get in my ear “Don’t shout at the
dog you idiot, you should not have left it there”
Fair comment……..I would get my own back on
Later after dinner, I cleaned a dog bowl, put a medium
sized Strawberry trifle in it, placed it on the floor
and ate it in front of the dog. The Dearest one came charging
into the kitchen where I was on all fours on the floor,
and tripped over me
was put out with the dogs to P & P after that and
not let back in until I had been (By the way? That Woofyleaks
guide is right about watching out for the roses)
had friends round once, they only ever come round once!!!
“Oh please Mrs Gutwrenchin, have a seat and I’ll
fetch the tea things” “Why Thank you, I will”
at this point Mrs Gutwrenchin has two options (1) Sit
on the Spinone or (2) Sit next to the Spinone.
sits next to the Spin (Oh No)……….after
5 minutes (max) the Spin puts its head on her lap. She
moves the cup of tea to the table in front of her. “Another
cake Mrs Gutwrenchin”? (Bad mistake) I hand her
the plate and she duly takes from it another cake. Meanwhile
that bloody dog has noticed. “Oh Bless, you can
just have a little piece” says Mrs Gutwrenchin through
gritted teeth. She breaks off a piece and the dog swallows
her hand to ensure it does not miss a crumb.
minutes later the Spin has moved half its body over Mrs
Gutwrenchin’s lap in order to increase maximum annoyance.
She leans forward to reach her cup of tea and can’t
reach far enough….at this moment Spin number two
has come to the table and is lapping the cooling tea from
the cup Mrs Gutwrenchin can’t reach. Nearby a plate
of cakes is looking amazingly enticing…..Spin sniffs
the air…..Spin reaches across…….Spin
gets closer and closer and WHAM………..”NO”
“ LEAVE” – shouts The Dearest One………
leaves them alone, panic over. The Dearest One then rewards
the obedient Spin with a cake…….
now Mrs Gutwrenchin has a 40kg Spinone sprawled across
her lap and is looking decidedly agitated. “Oi”
Dearest One says to me “get that dog off out guest”
“yes dear” I walk over to the dog and pull
its head up, put an arm under the body and shuffle the
lump off Mrs Gutwrenchin’s lap. I look down horrified
to see her M & S trousers covered in dog hair. I smile
at her and offer to rub the hair off her with a brush.
She misheard me I’m sure……………
get slapped and the Dearest One sends me to the Kitchen
to get another tea. Mrs Gutwrenchin has followed me out
exclaiming she has to go shopping, it’s late have
I been here that long? I have to meet my husband blah
blah blah……..and off she goes. We invite her
to return. “Yes I would love to” she says…….(No
what has this to do with training I hear you ask?
point is simple. It’s not a one sided exercise,
it’s a joint Dog-v-Man exercise in favour of the
training is NOT just about P & P……..it’s
about us humans taking back what is naturally ours. House
training is Domestic War. Humans versus Canines
Dearest One takes the Spins to a dog training school for
obedience and ring craft for the shows. I’ve been
a few times and I can honestly see why they haven’t
learned a thing!! The Dearest one has of course, but that’s
just the gossip going around the ring………The
Dogs though? Nothing. Zilch, Buggar all…………….
let this be a warning to you if you’re considering
taking your dog to one of these dog training schools.
they are a natural recruiting ground for the secret canine
society determined to push through human training for
dogs. It is a subversive movement directly linked to ‘Woofyleaks’.
When you get in there the dogs gather with the owners
in one place with the owners babbling on about everything
imaginable, global warming, the status of the matabeeli
bongo bean, the latest in dog training aids, the state
of the government (have we got one yet) the government
in a state (ah yes we have then) world famine and that
us humans are babbling away, so are those dogs. The ring
leaders, so to speak, are recruiting into the society.
They are plotting against you…….a sort of
do’s and don’ts for the pack. Different breeds
getting instructions on how to disrupt services to humans,
you know the one’s – “right, all small
yappy dogs and poodles – yap all day and night and
don’t forget to nip strangers”, “Staffordshire
bull terriers, look tough hard and strong” “and
tear to shreds anything other than food” “walk
with menace” German Shepherds “Use the reputation
boys, I’ll say no more” “Small to medium
sized hairy things – don’t know what the hell
you are but carry on the leg humping” “very
effective” Basset hounds “God knows, but you’re
doing a great job” Labradors and Retrievers “continue
to scratch a hole in the back door until its replaced
with an aluminium one – then scratch the paint off
it” “anything less than 6 months old come
to the front and listen……….P & P
all over the place. Rip to shreds anything and everything
and don’t forget to chew the edges of doors and
cupboards” – and to you all…….”Don’t
chew the black round things on the motorized units…..these
will destroy you during the loud bang”
Hang on, let me gather my thoughts……..now
where was I? Ah yes the alleged training school………….
Show ring…….we took some of our Spins
there The Dearest One mingled with friends and I noticed
that human female trait of expansive ear lobes during
gossip moments…..”she did what” “oh
no, what a shame” “her what fell off”
“oohh and I saw her husband”…….”oh
that dog of hers……..well” “can’t
do a thing with it”……..”it’s
much too big for her to handle you know”……and
on and on and on
the ring master………..!!!!!! Ooooooohhhhhhhh
they call the dogs into the ring, on leads, with owners
(not on leads) then some strange man instructs them to
run around the ring, walk around the ring, stand, and
he lifts them onto a table or indeed leaves them on the
floor if they’re a big dog to inspect them!!!!
that was a revelation for me. I wondered how I would feel
if some stranger came up to me, opened my mouth, pulled
my lips up and down, rubbed his hand over my head and
back, spread my legs and felt underneath, lifted my tail,
felt my rear, stood back and stared at me then simply
say “OK, good boy” and then get moved on.
My mind wandered off – now if that was a young woman
and I was that man……..tee hee……that
ain’t so bad after all. But then I thought I could
be arrested and jailed in the adult world for that behaviour.
But they tell me it’s OK – you can do that
to dogs!!! Oh really…
I’m bought back to the real world!! With a “why
don’t you take Kallie over there and the lady will
help you train Kallie to sit and stay!!!!! OH MY GOD NO……..PLEASE
Dear of course” “Anything to avoid a global
with Kallie on lead I dutifully strut forward –
“right then she says” “You stay there,
get the dog to sit” “then walk away to the
white mark and when you get there turn round and call
the dog to you”
the dog to sit”……….How? it’s
a Spin they don’t do commands I thought to myself.
Stay there while I walk off? Oh really…..the damned
thing will either (a) lay down or (b) Buggar off somewhere.
then shall we start”? I looked at Kallie who had
by now chosen (a) “Come on Kall get up”…she
rolled onto her side to get more comfortable
on Kall” nothing. “Walk away anyway and go
to the white mark” the woman instructed me!! What
is wrong with these people? Aren’t we supposed to
be training the dogs? I walked to the white mark, turned
around and Kallie was spark out. “OK that’s
great” the woman said to me. “Now call the
dog to you” “Kall, come on then” “Kallie,
wake up” Kallie opened her eyes and looked around.
Then went prone again. The woman looked at me and said
“You can take her back now” Kallie sat up
and came over to me!!!!
and thinking tonight was not one of my brighter ideas
I reflected on the Dearest One as we left the house….”Right,
I’m driving. It’s MY Landy, you will be nice
to all the people. You will be enthusiastic and you will
have at least one of the dogs with you at all times. You
will not interfere or open your mouth about anything unless
I refer to you to comment. Any sarcasm or wit that leaves
your facial orifice will be swiftly and harshly dealt
with” “Do I make myself clear”? Me…”Sir,
Yes Sir” “and you will buy a raffle ticket,
a cup of tea and bring them to me – is that clear”?
Me…”Sir, Yes Sir”
then WE shall have a pleasant evening” I sighed……….
back in the ring the strange man was still fondling dogs
or whatever they do and making the owners happy with comments
of “nice dog that”…….he worried
me. I wondered as well if sheep were worried about him
had an insight now as to why the dogs had grouped together
to form the Woofyleaks site. A sort of canine helpline)
took the dog I was assigned over to the table where tea
was served along with an assortment of ‘homemade’
cakes……..I remembered the Woofyleaks bit about
‘food sources’ – Kallie looked like
she was smiling!! I swore under my breath. “2 teas
please” “and 2 of those fine looking lumps
of pastry” “are they burnt or are they supposed
to look like that”? I asked. I picked one up and
offered it Kallie….she rejected it. “make
that two Kit Kats please”
took the teas over to the Dearest One and offered her
a Kit Kat “what did you get those for” she
asked “you know the dogs can’t eat chocolate”
“and did you get a raffle ticket”?...........oh
was instructed to get some treats for the dogs, especially
JJ as the man in the ring said he was a fine dog (more
worry) and get a raffle ticket.
went back and secured a doggy treat bag and a raffle ticket.
asked the woman behind the table what the prizes were
(Thinking to myself – A New Land Rover, A romantic
weekend for two in Doncaster, A day out rough shooting
on Mrs Cumley-Smythe-Whyte’s estate, A year’s
supply Pedigree Chum) oh how stupid am I?
prizes consisted of a 6 pack of Pedigree Chum, a big version
of the Fine looking lump of pastry the dog rejected, a
dog toy, which looked like a chewed dog lead and a bag
of doggy treats.
was just my luck, I won the bloody raffle that night……..just
how the hell do you look pleased and oh so delighted having
just won a 6 pack of Pedigree Chum? However!!! The Dearest
one WAS really delighted.
for you with the Pedigree Chum: The Chicken and Lamb should
be fried with a small amount of olive oil, add a diced
onion, a well diced garlic clove, peppers, a touch of
black pepper and a curry paste (add to suit taste) fry
until thoroughly cooked and add some pre-boiled mixed
vegetables. Serve with sour cream and mango chutney along
with some popadoms. I f you can manage it, eat with plain
it, I’ve digressed…….where was I? Oh
yes the training school……….
later that night an elderly woman walked in, clearly of
wealth and breeding and she was wearing tweed trousers,
nice brogues for the lady, and a long coat and one those
hats with Pheasant feathers in it (without the Pheasant
attached) I thought she was deformed because she had a
lot of underarm hair. But on closer inspection it was
a dog!!! You know, one of those small, no, very small
dogs. I’ve no idea what it was. Now I’ve seen
this before? There is a breed of dog that has legs but
they are collapsible when you put them down. Over time,
the humans (predominantly female) carry these dogs everywhere
and so their legs have become useless. From time to time
you see them in handbags, shopping bags, crates, and on
the back shelf of cars – the REAL nodding dogs.
had this vision of Mrs Cumley-Smythe-Whyte saying to the
maid “Marigold, will you take Trixiebellalooloo
out the lawn for her morning constitutional” “Certainly
Maam, Yes Maam” Marigold carries the dog outside
and onto the lawn. She leans down and gently puts Trixiebellalooloo
down on the grass where its legs collapse. Marigold turns
away while the dog shuffles to do its thing……within
seconds a large bird of prey swoops from a nearby oak
tree, a split second later there’s a muted yelp
as the bird carries Trixiebellalooloo off into the woods
nearby. If the dog didn’t want a poo earlier, it
sure as hell does now.
runs back into the house distraught, and walks with sheer
panic on her face into the Dining room where Mrs Chumley-Smythe-Whyte
is eating breakfast. “Where’s my dog”?
She asks Marigold. “Oh your dog is about 150 feet
in the air travelling west quite quickly into the woods
Mrs Chumley-Smythe-Whyte” “and just exactly
how has that happened Marigold”? “My dog can’t
walk let alone fly you silly girl” “it was
a big bird” it flew down and took the dog away”
never mind Marigold” “just clear the table
and ask Hudson to bring the car round. I will go to town
and get another one” “Yes Maam, Thank you
Chumley-Smythe-Whyte estate has the country’s largest
population of Raptors (Birds of Prey) they thrive in and
around the garden!!!!
know, I can’t remember now what it was I was writing
looked at the dog, looked at her and wondered what a dog
with no legs would do in a dog training class. It was
then I noticed she had come to support this evening’s
event and ‘socially’ advertise the Estates
family day out. Now I thought we should go….these
events for me are wonderfully healthy for my imagination.
I could feast on the day out…….the dogs would
be safe. I know of no Raptor capable of taking a 40kg
lump of dog that would probably be prostrate on the ground
anyway…..talk about dead weight. 20 Raptors wouldn’t
get a Spin off the ground and I know? I’ve tried
getting one off one our guests and she was only sat on
over. The Dearest one informs me we are away that day!!
Are we? “shut up you idiot, we’re not going
there” “it won’t suit us we’re
mere mortals compared to the likes of THEM”…..I
felt like Marigold.
So from the Training school I learned that the dogs had
a good evening training the humans. I learned that a Spinone
in or out of its home is just as difficult to train. I
learned that this centre was a Woofyleaks den of iniquity
and clearly was carefully disguised as a Woofyleaks “Operational
learned that there was a strange man who was keen on dogs,
I learned that you should avoid lumps of pastry that dogs
reject and that winning the raffle is not quite what it
seems. The dogs won again except for the chicken and lamb
I hope this invaluable insight into training your Spinone
is a must have guide for you both now and in the future.
You have the skills, the knowledge and you won’t
be fooled again will you??
have the insider knowledge as well now of “Woofyleaks”
News Flash……….The Woofyleaks
founder, Bee Houndu has been arrested and taken into kennels
by the RSPCH (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Humans) and is charged with gross indecency with a
bitch on heat (next doors poodle allegedly) Mr Houndu’s
solicitor says it is a conspiracy to have the Woofyleaks
founder extradited back to his owner. Bee Houndu was allegedly
away from his owner when the assault occurred. His owner
said he had slipped the lead. T he owner of the poodle
was too distraught to comment. There was no comment from