The Banker Releases “Woofyleaks”


Warning:

This document is released for use by the owners of the renowned and infamous Italian Spinone breed of dog. You should be warned that its release may have an impact not only on your life but that of your dog(s) as well because once they know you have this top secret document they will be forced to rethink their strategies and behavioral patterns with the potential to make your life worse than it is already. It is unlikely they will react violently but there could be tendencies to seriously frustrate and annoy you until they have re-adjusted their strategy for a counter strike against you.

Background:

The Italian Spinone Governing body is based in Italy (potentially head quartered in Sicily) and as we all know the Italians are hot headed at the best of times. However, despite the ominous Head Quarters, the Governing body is headed by The ‘Il Duce’ of the Spinones known as “The God Dog” and he has a very close number of ‘friends’ and associates who ensure the policies are followed to the book. Day to day the Spinone works rests and plays as of course you would expect. But behind the scenes of this perceived ‘normal’ life lurks a sort of double life where the Spins plot and cultivate trouble for the owner.

I have often wondered why some ‘appear’ to be nice and obedient and others the dead opposite. I have also tried to establish who first said “oh don’t shout at a Spinone, they’re sensitive” – well to whoever you are, I say this “have you ever owned a Spinone”? “Because if you had, the one thing you yourself aren’t anymore is sensitive”
By now whoever said this ludicrous comment is probably locked away in an institution somewhere with lots of people in white gowns who are saying to them “there there now, don’t worry anymore there are no Spinone’s in this hospital” “here just take another 5 of these yellow ones”………..”Here, let me get a towel, you’re drooling again”……….

You have I hope looked at the gallery on our website which demon strates to a degree – sorry that should read demonstrates!! what, as owners, we are up against here. You see a nice doggy allegedly playing and having fun. It’s all a façade. These dogs are devious and the commentary with those photo’s is much closer to the truth. I’m sure you’ve all been there……….

So in releasing this document I hope by some small degree that you can develop your own plan to overcome some (if not all) of the issues you may face whilst owning this breed.

It is said “that the owner of the dog takes on its resemblance in looks and nature” if this is the case then there are some very weird people around!! There are anyway, but doesn’t it make you think that this could well be part of the ‘bigger picture’ that this breed has in store for us owners. Slowly, but surely taking us over.
Imagine in years to come they could be loading us into the back of a Land Rover and taking us to a show………….!!!

Or for a walk and run in the woods, parks and beaches, or a quiet stroll on a lead down the road to have a cup of tea and cakes with the Jones family. When there, we would simply collapse in the kitchen, and be an obstacle for them to step over whilst they say things like “wow, isn’t he/she a lovely human, very good when you take them out and no trouble at all”

Or- “oh bless, I think he/she is hungry and would they like this biscuit or a piece of cake” by this time of course you have jumped up and snatched the WHOLE thing from their paw. “harharhar – did you see that? Bless him/her…….poor thing must be hungry” “No it can’t be its had a full human breakfast”

“SIT”………………..

And we move away, belly full(ish) but content we got something and can now rest – again.

Now think about this carefully, look at it from ‘their’ perspective? Or if you like look at it from another perspective – what would it be like for us and how would you feel given the knowledge you have of being a human now………

As a carbon life form come human, I see some down sides to this?? And this is why I do not believe it is in our interests as a species to let another one such as the Spinoni to take over and dominate us.

But if we do not react now it will be too late and your house, your home, your car, in fact everything will be history. We will be history, not extinct just life as we know it will change. It may have done already for some……….!!!

  1. I would not be too keen on sniffing other humans bums!!
  2. I am not a fan of openly peeing and pooing in public
  3. I do not randomly Poo and Pee all over the place including in the house
  4. The idea of sniffing others waste products is not at all appealing
  5. I would only get to mate when the ‘season’ was right – that’s just ridiculous!! And dear reader – it might not be my turn!!
  6. I can’t see the point of chase the cat
  7. I don’t want to challenge for top human in the family ranks – I am the top human
  8. When it comes to mating I would be put with a female of their choosing. It bothers me that I might not fancy her and don’t want to………..
  9. At feeding time I would have to fight other marauding humans who may want to steal my food
  10. I don’t fancy drinking water from any source…..I don’t know what or who was there before and doing what in it
  11. Fetching the ball – no chance – fetch it yourself
  12. Shouting at strangers………scare them and then roll over and have your tummy tickled or your hair stroked. What kind of message does this end?
  13. Ignore perfectly sensible instructions – “come” “sit” “let me put this lead on” why all the instructions and what’s the point of them?
  14. I cannot outrun the owner – that thing has four legs and can cover ground very quickly – I can cover the same amount of ground but slower!!
  15. I have a keen sense of smell – but NOT that keen, other humans smell but I don’t and would not want to get that close to some of them!!
  16. I want to drive the car……..sitting in the back does nothing for me
  17. I want to eat what I want when I want and with no restrictions on volume
  18. I have to be in the mood to be shown at a show
  19. I sense moods – and act accordingly on them
  20. I would attract children and scare others – in our world both now illegal, yet in the canine world part of the acceptance package. Is he/she/the breed good with kids
  21. I am attracted to water and will go in it regardless. I have this sense that drives me in. It’s not my fault the car gets wet and smelly
  22. I am definitely against being cut, trimmed, brushed out and especially around my sensitive bits – that is just not becoming of us humans ( And I used to live In Amsterdam)!!!!
  23. I demand the rights to sit on the living room couches
  24. I want at least 50 toys to play with and occasionally destroy
  25. I want to be a part of the family circle – in it – not on the outside
  26. I can’t be bothered to fight –growling is good though
  27. I can get on with other humans (most the time) others I just put up with

You can of course add your own personalized bits to this list of mine above, this is just a starter for you and yours of course will be relative

Generally though, don’t you think that with the Spins they are slowly but surely taking over your life?

I am seriously thinking of a counter measure to my un-favourite charity the RSPCA.

The BSPCH – The Bankers Society for the Protection of us Humans

Something else I thought about as well?

We have an actual ITALIAN Spinone. AND another joining us shortly!!! From the home of the Spinone (Italy) we will have TWO and God knows what they will be telling the Brit versions!! (assuming they can talk English) I shudder to think – and one male and one female

Like us they come in different colours as well……White and Orange for the one side and Brown on the other!! Now what a coincidence!!

This is all looking a little one sided in their favour and if we do not stop this by taking back control of our lives then we are all doomed!!!

In my piece “The Bankers Guide to Training the Spinone” I wrote examples of where the Spinone reacts to differing situations. If you look at the list above it is worrying that a trend appears to be opening up.
The living room is not ours anymore, the car even. The outside grounds is a Poo trap for us and in the summer if you’ve got flip flops on and you inadvertently tread on the stuff then – well you know the rest. Why can’t they Poo in one place that’s easy for us to get up?
This is another example of where the whole thing gets complex, is it another point where they are trying to confuse us or set us tasks. “Find the Poo” a game to them………

Now as you know by now, we have a couple of English Springers (The No Brain Dogs) and a Hungarian Vizla. The one Springer spends all its time rushing around close by us and generally picking up anything and everything it can find for us to throw. The other Springer disappears into the wood for an hour sniffing for whatever it sniffs for. Now this one couldn’t flush a toilet let alone a pheasant or rabbit. But he is old and he ALWAYS comes back. With these two they are well known reliable and no problems.
As for the Viz!!!!!!! well what can I say? “They mature around 5 years old” we were told. Oh really………well this one’s eight and I’ve seen our two month old puppy Spins with more sense. He is the JCB of the family. BUT and it’s a BIG BUT, you call him and he immediately comes back. In fact the Viz is easily the best trained of them all. I openly admit he is a nutter – but never a worry. He goes out, sniffs a ‘place’ and starts his digging. We can be out for hours and he will stay put where he is digging. He has the strongest front legs of any dog I know……………………

So you see, from actual experience it is not the dog in itself. It is the breed……..the Spins are the opposite too the above.

So let’s recap shall we on the traits and the general thinking behind the Italian Spinone:

- The puppy records everything you do and say
- The puppy will always be hungry and despite the ‘cute’ looks would eat you if it could, therefore be careful where you leave YOUR food out and don’t fall asleep on the couch? You may wake up with your left arm missing
- The human will possibly use another dog to demonstrate training you. Don’t move and ignore the instructions. Do not look like the other dog – you do not do panting and fetching something the human has thrown far away.
- The human may use tasty treats to tempt you to move and follow instructions, don’t do this unless you get a treat WITHOUT fetching the object. Use the hound dog look…….
- Make the human feel guilty – this will result In you getting a treat
- “Sit” – this actually means stand there and ignore them (when they have given up, then you sit and wait for them to come back) this is most annoying
- “Fetch” – Fetch is a useless command, what’s the point of fetching for you to take it back to them and then what do they do? Throw it away for you to fetch again…and the point is what……..
- “Keep still and let me put this lead on you” – absolute nonsense this one. We have four legs and need our exercise. Ridiculous request for a breed like us. Best solution is to pull them along at your own pace and stop suddenly to take on human fuss from complete strangers, sniff at a child in a pushchair and alarm them – this is great fun. You should watch the reaction of the mini human owners. Ignore other dogs they are subservient to us Spins. Accept all food sources, sniff all the time and slow the pace down for maximum aroma intake. If they buy a bacon sandwich, eat this and make them buy another one.
- When you are being introduced as an alert, sharp, powerful fit gun dog, sit down with maximum boredom look, then lay down utterly bored. This is most effective if there is more than one of you
- “Dinner time, come here then” – listen for the food bowl rattling otherwise this could be a trap. If you are certain it’s food ensure you are first, third and fifth in the queue.
- “Get off there” – associated to the couch. It’s your couch and not the friends or family to sit down on. You have made it your own – keep it that way. If an annoying human sits next to you, first move your head onto their lap and then slowly move your body onto them. you will soon have the couch to yourself
- “Walkies” – what kind of word of this”? Nonsense. It is in fact “Runnies” AKA clear off into the distance at a suitable pace ensuring it would need the Land Rover to get us back
- “Come on then, get out” – this is associated to the Land Rover. You have been taken somewhere, as you have remained prostrate for the entire journey use your senses to establish where you are react accordingly i.e. Show – stay where you are. The beach – jump out and clear off (Note: watch out for humans with ice cream, you get some or all if you hit them hard enough) Garden – just clear off. Human friends house – a potential massive food source, go onto full alert and super scrounge mode (Tip: Poo in the most awkward places as this is really annoying to the human hosts, keep away from the roses – these have thorns)\
- “Come on then, get in” – again associated to the Land Rover: if the other dogs are already in just push them out of the way for the mst comfortable spot. Don’t jump in, wait for the human to lift you in
- “No don’t touch” – this is the human phrase for “yes, pick it up and chew it” easily confused as you can see……..
- If a colleague of yours leaves the couch make sure you take its place, you don’t want a human sitting there
- Dog Training school – a natural recruiting ground for the secret canine society determined to push through human training for dogs.
- When being “trained” ignore all the instructions, these are patronizing. An example being “sit and stay” – then the owner walks a few metres away stops and turns to call you to him. When he turns around, you should be at his side!! Or alternatively you should head for the tea counter where the cakes are on open display
- In the show ring, show utter disdain at the alleged judge. He will want to put you on a table and feel around you. This is allegedly to get you used to the actual show ring event as it would happen in real life. If the humans did this to each other they would be locked away…….therefore make sure you are prepared and by implication do not get anywhere near that table. You have been warned!!!!

In this release I have extracted information and edited it for you to understand what you have taken on. This is no ordinary breed of dog. Some of its traits are unique, of this there is no doubt. They are a lovely dog to own and great fun – but an element of me believes that this is the new generation of dog. Closer to the family, gentle, stubborn, fit and athletic, head strong, typically canine hungry, needs exercise, but happy to chill out all day on the couch.

If this dog had its way it would have the telly on and be flicking through the channels looking for that nice man Ceasar Milan (The Dog Whisperer) and also taking careful note of the Dog Borstal!!!

The Spinone would learn a lot from both these programs…………the question is?

Have we?


 


 

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